Dim Bulbs 'n Dirty Lockers

There are things that go bump in the night and things that make us wonder in delight attempting to figure out why they are such that they are. There are few things more distracting to me that those that catch my eye in that sense and cause me to wonder what someone must have been thinking when they came up with such. The funny part is that most of it is based on some mild form of insanity therefore those among us who think logically and I not candidates for the home will have a lot of difficulty figuring it all out. Still our attention is captured by it.

Most of us have wondered where the lights go when the lights got out. Where ever it is, light gets to that spot very fast and it does not linger….literally leaves just as soon as you flip the switch. Personally, after much thought, I am pretty sure that light goes to Alaska. Why, you ask? Well, all the indications are there. The sun seldom sets in Alaska for many months out of the year indicating that there is an abundance of light coming to there from somewhere. And then there is the “Aurora Borealis” which is not the name of someone’s daughter but a show in the sky called the northern lights. That’s up there at the North Pole but it is really close to Alaska so light has plenty to do in the area most of the time.

What about when you flush the toilet and the water spins round and round in a clockwise, or for those of you in Australia, counterclockwise motion…do you find yourself wondering why water spins this way and that way when departing the toilet; why it just does not drop out of sight like light does and disappear. Now you might be thinking that I am going to tell you that it is because all the water eventually goes to Alaska. Nice try, but no dice. Some say that it is the “Coreolis Effect” on the planet spinning on its axis and that tends to push things to the side of the bowl causes the water to spin round and round in the toilet.

I say “nay” because I think somebody must have made that up! It’s a pretty good trick too because the explanation sounds “All Einsteinish” thus we don’t dare dispute it. No sir…don’t piss down my back and say that it is rainin’ cause you know how rain runs off a duck’s back….down, get it, down! Ha! Okay, we’re getting off course. I says that the water spins around in the toilet because it needs to pick up momentum to speed its way down (there’s that word again!) those long sewer pipes to the processing plant. Without that initial effort, water could not do its job and our sewer systems in America would be abject failures. Water knows that and understands that if the systems fails, it could be replaced by some new process. Water does not like the thought of that thus it gets up a head of steam to push down those pipes at light speed. And everybody knows that nobody can stop water when it wants to come.

Some of you might remember the days of black and white television from back in the era when some really great show, like “Gunsmoke” originated. I know that I do. In fact, I was watching one just the other day called “Have Gun – Will Travel”. It is a series about a high-fulootin’ gunslinger who lives in the lap of luxury in a San Francisco hotel and has a young Chinese fella called “Hey-Boy” waiting on his every need. Now, I’ll bet that the same folks who caused the “Amos n’ Andy Show” to be removed from broadcast will do the same to “Have Gun-Will Travel” if they ever hear that moniker mumbled in the reruns. Anyway, this guy’s name is “Paladin” and he’s always pulling out one of his cards to mail off to someone in need of his fast gun and surreal level of intelligence being both a graduate of an Ivy League school and of West Point. What I don’t get is why no one in any of the shows ever calls him by his first name no matter how close they become as friends. It’s always “Paladin” this and “Paladin” that but never his first name. Now this is the point where you leave me a comment and say, “that’s because no one ever knew his first name”.

Some folks who are fans of the show would probably agree with you and support your argument but those of us who pay attention to detail will say “nay” and point out the obvious. You remember, I told you Paladin was always whipping out a card? Well, on that card, there was a chess piece depicted…the image of the Knight. The words “Have Gun- Will Travel” were imprinted right over this image on the card. Now directly below that was Paladin’s full name….”Wire Paladin”. Then, his hometown of San Francisco is also listed below the name. Hmmm…guess you missed that, huh? Well, let that be a warning to you to start paying a little more attention in class instead of clowning around. Just once I would have liked to have seen the rancher whose butt Paladin just saved stick out his hand and say, “Well thank you, Wire, I am much obliged to ya!” I’ll admit there is a strong possibility that he did not like his first name but I have to question his judgment in including it on his business card if he did not want it widely known.

Why is it that some bakeries around town advertise “doughnut holes” for sale? When you go in and ask for some, you get a bag of fried dough balls. There’s no holes at all except for maybe the one you put in the bag with your finger while you are searching around inside for a hole. In fact, I think they have a bait and switch thing going on here. After all, if one hangs around in a doughnut shop long enough, we quickly come to realize that the “hole” is being sold along with the doughnut itself; there is just no mention of that fact. So, I can only conclude that these shop owners are having trouble selling “doughballs” so they attempt to pass them off as “doughnut holes” and trick us into buying them. Someone really need to contact the Better Business Bureau about this shenanigan. Maybe a letter alerting the President would bring the wrath of the federal government and all its regulations on doughnuts to bare and keep any of our citizens from being further deceived by these evil doughnut shop owners.

Have you ever noticed how these guys who act as announcers for professional baseball games seem to know all the little personal things about the players? That really amazes me and I am also impressed by the amount of little things that come to light. Some of them are certainly indicative of a trend which seems to be pervading the sport of baseball. Surely, sports medicine has noticed some of this but I see no real indication of it. I would think that it would be rather embarrassing for the players to have information like that on the street but they just seem to shake it off as if it is just another aspect of the game. Why just the other day I was watching a game and the announcer said, “We really have to watch this next pitch to the batter close, Harry…this guy has three balls on him.” That really caught my attention. I am sitting there thinking, “Well what in the world could a physical attribute like that have to do with how the batter handles the next pitch?” Then it dawned on me, his ability to run might just be so impaired by that number of balls that he really needs to hit the baseball a long way in order to safely make it to first base. Honestly, before that game was over, I was absolutely appalled at the number of players on both of those teams who are afflicted with three balls and have done nothing about it medically. Gosh, I would think any fool would know that you could play the game much better without that extra ball getting in the way.

Baseball is apparently a game dominated by players with physical attributes which are out of the ordinary. Come to think of it, I have never watched a professional basketball game in which the announcer even hinted that a player might have three balls on him. At the same time, I do recall one game in which the referee had indicated that one was the players had suffered a “double-dribble” which is something that one should not waste any time in seeing a doctor about. I would think something like that would require a high-powered shot of penicillin right into the rump to cure it and the sooner the better!

When I get caught up in thinking about all this stuff I soon realize that some things are outright lies, some things are medical impairments which could easily be fixed with the proper attention, and some things are just a mystery that we have not yet figured out. One thing I have concluded out of all of it though that is perfectly clear to me…if I ever have the opportunity to visit a professional sports team’s locker room, I am definitely not sitting on any of the benches or using the toilet. In fact, I will probably decline the invitation now that I think about it.

So let me conclude this piece by advising everyone to follow some simple steps when the answers are not forthcoming. If you don’t know, ask. If asking does not help, then maybe some research will. Think about things…normally you can figure out the logic within them using just your own brain power. And lastly, pay attention to detail…don’t let something like Paladin’s first name slip by you that easily. You’ll never win any trivia contests by avoiding the details. Good luck and play ball!

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