ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Dealing with Severe Depression

Updated on July 29, 2011

Funny, isn't it, how life throws all the same stuff your way?

Over and over, until you're bruised and beaten like a fish

Flailing and bleeding on a hook,

Yearning for the return of water and balance.

But that's not the way it's going to work this time.

I'm not going to miraculously escape the ugly hook of death.

Instead, it has pinned me,

Through my whole body

Slammed securely into the wood beneath me.

A deck? A pole?

Who cares, I'm sunk.

I'll get my water all right.

Boiling. Balance will fly to the other extreme.

I'll be dead before you know it

There won't be a reason for you to hold onto.

In fact, by the time I press the last breath from my lungs,

I may not even remember the reason I did it.

I know I'm sad.

I'm hollow and full at the same time.

I feel like a shell of myself.

I'm filled with this sticky, oozing sadness that occasionally

Hardens into numbness and alternately boils over into suicide.

Everything will be going fine, then suddenly, something will happen...

Typically, someone will say something.

A light will flash--a photographer's split second click

And everything would be better if I died.

Out of anger, out of guilt, out of hopelessness, out of sadness.

It's a whim or a fleeting thought that takes hold and becomes no longer fleeting.

I'm in the ER and just went through three rounds of intake.

It's almost over, this proving myself worthy of treatment.

As if they are double-checking my story for consistency.

I talked to the triage nurse, an ER physician's assistant

Who reminded me of Matt Damon

And had involuntary facial spasms,

Then a social worker, middle-aged and perm-haired.

Now I'm in the psych ward without my husband.

We kissed goodbye after talking to the obese psych therapist

Who couldn't figure out how to take my blood pressure.

Finally, "Nurse Betty" did the intake into hell.

Stripped of all the things in the world I had left to care about:

My LoTR bracelet, wedding ring, and Jason.


I've got nothing now.

Curse it.

I thought I was in hell before. No.

Now I'm in the fire pit of hell, burning before Satan.

And I can't even smoke.

How can you be in a goddamned psycho ward and not be able to smoke?

I should have taken care of myself before and I wouldn't be in this hole.

Four women are outside my room watching TV.

I saw this show the other day and don't have the strength to watch it again.

I don't have the strength to live.

Being here is reverting to primitive.

I have none of my distractions here.

No computer, no great toys to play with.

Not even a goddamn book to bloody read. Christ.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)