Dish-Headed Devil Delivers Another Endless Real-Estate Seminar

And I just bet you thought that after a life of enduring tedious characters such as this, that your afterlife might (you hoped) be free of them. Well, think again, you poor soul.

For here you will note the Dish-Headed Devil that occupies the Third Circle of Hell, delivering yet another endlessly painful real-estate seminar. You will be forced to spend a seeming eternity, fidgeting in an incredibly uncomfortable folding chair, in a dated replica of a stiflingly hot time-share sales/showroom that smells faintly of cheap awful-hued acrylic carpeting and flop-sweat, listening to this demonic dude prattle on about week swaps and leasebacks and minimum annual maintenance agreements, all the while your stomach growls for the mediocre platter buffet he promised you and the hubby when this is all over.

If you’ve made it this far, you will have bypassed the First Circle of the underworld (populated by moronic relatives telling long-winded and pointless stories of patently self-serving intent). You will also have been fortunate enough to skirt the Second Circle of Hades’ dominion, which features a pushy assortment of slimy televangelicals, obstreperous testament-thumping early Sunday morning doorbell ringers, and chanting tambourine-smacking saffron-robed topknot wearers, all trying to prove to you at last that you did indeed pick the wrong religion, you doomed heathen.

Just consider yourself lucky that you weren’t cast deeper below into the Fourth Circle of Hell, which remarkably replicates every DMV office you’ve ever had to spend a fraction of your life within, or the infamous Fifth Circle — needy losers in bad relationships.