Do Zombies Like Vegemite?

Two relatively disgusting topics rampaging through the Internet are Zombies and Vegemite. Individually, they're trite and virtually pointless, like reruns of the View. Together, it's hard to tell them apart. Given the option, perhaps butterflies and peanut butter or crickets and chocolate syrup might be preferable. The possibilities abound, although sometimes not very well.

I was having doubts about the veracity of Internet success until these two topics began to converge. Numerous web sites popped up like mushrooms growing along the third base line at Yankee Stadium (the Old Yankee Stadium, not the New Yankee Stadium). A plethora of people posit possible scenarios wherein Zombies develop an affinity to Vegemite. We don't know where it all started: perhaps a bored webmaster tried to register the domain MyNewFreeInstantOnlineCashLoans.com and accidentally ended up with ZombiesAndVegemite.net.

Anyway, debate rages online as to whether Zombies prefer Vegemite. The word "preference" is relative, so we are left with deriving alternatives. I personally don't care one way or the other, but given the popularity of my Zombie Epic titled Zombie Yourself, Zombie Me Zombie You, I figured why not have more of a good thing? If it's what the people want, then the people shall have more zombie-related verbiage, even if the Vegemite folks would prefer a merchandising tie-in with celebrities who are a little more alive, like Michael Jordan or the guy on the Pringle's can. I can't please everyone.

It's a pretty safe bet that electricity will be scarce when the Zombie Apocalypse kicks in. Homer Simpson may be able to run a nuclear power plant control room, but the average Zombie has less education and more concern about attacking seemingly abandoned farm houses than holding down a 9 to 5 white collar position at the power plant. Ergo, Vegemite becomes a viable nutritional alternative because the good stuff will have spoiled in the refrigerator. I think it has a really long shelf life, which adapts well to the Zombie lifestyle.

Evidently Vegemite spreads easily and requires little chewing, which would be a good thing for zombies who have stumbled into a wood chipper and accidentally ground off their molars. It's a bad thing to have to look forward to gumming your meals for all eternity, or until a surviving mortal person runs over you with a steam roller that luckily had the keys left in it.

The debate rages. Rival web sites compete for eyeballs by tarting up such pseudo-relative topics as "What bread do Zombies prefer with their Vegemite?" and "Does Vegemite provide the nutritional necessities necessary for the penultimate trudge down Main Street?"

It's difficult to come down on one side or the other. In an effort to be the Jimmy Carter of The Zombie/Vegemite conflict, I propose a convention of aficionados. We might gather at the nearest Starbucks and hash out our differences while sharing a plate of lusciously over-priced biscotti. George Romero insisted on such delicacies at the craft service table.

All are welcome to join the fray. It's a good-natured fray with many sub-frays and ancillary fracases. Stop by any time to let loose your opinion on the Zombie Vegemite scenario. Write a screenplay that Tom Cruise will read if you slip it under the door of his closely guarded compound in Beverly Hills.

It could happen.

Visit the many Zombie/Vegemite web sites, too numerous to list here, and register to join the forums. Frequent the Zombie Fast Food chat rooms to discern prevailing public opinions. Should you plan to run for office in a small town with a large cemetery and a creepy mad scientist in a big mansion down a dark rutted drive, you should probably have a solid opinion on the subject: Mad scientists are a strong voting block and they regularly attend candidate debates sponsored by The League of Women Voters.

I have to go now. There's a scabby mutilated hand knocking on the back door. I wonder if he's already had dinner...