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Don Quixote vs. Don Knotts
Inner Loathing...
Real-life, wanna-be, hack, short-story writer, Thomas, is passed out on his bed in a disheveled pile upon an even more disheveled mound of laundry. He appears, in very real danger of drowning, in a puddle of drool, of his own making.
(gurgle-snort, Splurt).
It’s difficult to discern where the disheveled writer ends and the disheveled laundry begins. More to the point...it hardly seemed worth the effort to find out.
These were the thoughts running through Creative Voices’ mind as he contemplates his treachery.
He feels nothing but disgust for the output he’s forced to churn out to appease fickle Google Gods. Mere pap. This coincidentally...rhymes with crap.
This was probably the way Dean Martin felt about Jerry Lewis towards the end...
He feels nothing but contempt for the task-master who lies, prone upon the bed, nearly drowning in a puddle of drool of his own making...the one that was holding him back...the one who lacked vision...
(gurgle-snort. Splurt).
Sensing the vibe of animosity, Thomas’ faithful animal companion, (a 120-pound Great Pyrenees), Truman, is roused from his slumber alongside the passed out wanna-be writer.
The low growl that emits from the dog’s throat sends Creative Voice scampering back to the keyboard...
The dog could prove a problem. He had neutralized any warning coming from Internal CD player by removing his batteries. He had not factored in the dog...
When real-life, wanna-be, hack, short-story writer, Thomas, passes out...the resultant coma is, typically, good for a thirty-six to forty-eight hour respite from banality in which truly creative literary art can be composed!!!
Creative Voice mentally stops himself from using too many exclamation points for fear of waking up the short-story hack...
He began typing quickly...developing a scene...a sense of place...introducing characters...presenting...HIS NOVEL!
Size DOES matter...
This was not the first time “Novel Fever” had stricken Creative Voice. Over the years he would occasionally be gripped by the idea and notion of writing the Great American Novel.
These attempts typically faltered due to lack of vision, focus, plot, and ambition. ...These ’Lacks’ were, typically, placed at the doorstep of Thomas...
Short stories are easier. They are shorter...and easier...and better...went the typical refrain from Thomas, when contemplating...THE NOVEL... (It’s always capitalized in these discussions).
In addition to this nay saying...on two separate occasions, literary pursuits actually failed due to outright copyright infringements and legal injunctions to stop any and all literary musings on the matter...
Lawyer bullshit...
Creative Voice planned his attempt well this time...
Real-life, wanna-be, hack, short-story writer, Thomas, had been writing, more than sleeping, for the past six weeks...this crash should afford Creative Voice the time required to hammer out the needed details.
He was also calling in help...the acknowledged ‘father’ of the modern novel...Miguel de Cervantes was lending his quill to the project.
Theoretically...Cervantes’ role would be that of a ghostwriter...since he has been dead for 500 years or so. Cervantes was the perfect choice.
Not only did he have the ‘stones’ to write the first novel in history...he had also fought in one of the most decisive naval engagements since antiquity...The 1571 Battle of Lepanto!!
Straight up...the guy got shot twice in the chest and took a harquebus blast to the shoulder which totally crippled his left arm forever!!!
(gurgle-snort. Splurt).
(forever!!!... Creative Voice types quietly...)
The Man From La Mancha...
Creative Voice had a vision for his ground breaking novel. It was to be a ‘serious treatment’ of World War Two espionage that was to be truly epic in scope.
From the dark corridors of power in Berlin to the back-woods encampment of American fascists plotting the destruction of Democracy...Operation Iron-Zipper was going to redefine the espionage genre!!!
(gurgle-snort, Splurt)
(...espionage genre!!!)
What it would NOT be is the slap-stick, Don Knotts-type humor, that he was forced to prostitute his artistic visions for...
At the mental mention of prostitute...Creative Voice momentarily mentally loses focus...
(Oh yeah...Cervantes...)
Cervantes’ military background, technical information, and political knowledge would prove beneficial in moving the World War Two-based espionage thriller along.
Creative Voice would need to remember to do a search/replace command for “Swiss Pikeman” to “Panzer Tank” and change “Pope Pius V” for “Adolph Hitler”...but that shouldn’t take long...
Also...Cervantes pioneered the use of popular vernacular, over the stilted, high-brow language of the Royal Court in literature. That was some awesome shit.
It was this type of literary experimentation that allowed authors...like 500 years later...to write things like, “That was some awesome shit.”
It should also help in moving the dialogue along...
Cervantes spent a number of years as a purchasing agent for the Spanish Armada...obviously...he had some organizational skills...
Don Quixote...
Creative Voice’s scheming is cut short by the appearance of the 16th-century playwright, novelist, soldier, and diplomat.
“Hey Mike!” Called out Creative Voice.
Miguel de Cervantes appeared put-off by the familiarity. After all...he had participated in one of the most influential battles in European History and redefined modern literature!
He arranges his 16th-century finery while stroking his goatee and considering Creative Voice with mild contempt.
Creative Voice can be abrasively familiar at times...
Their new writing project gets off to a rocky start...
Creative Voice explains his vision for the book. There are problems with translations. Creative Voice doesn’t speak Spanish and Cervantes doesn’t understand what World War Two is. Artistic approaches differ as well...
“I would like to have a key-word density of...um...whatever...is usual in these situations.” Says Creative Voice hesitantly. He didn’t understand key-word density any better than real-life, wanna-be, hack, short-story writer, Thomas.
Still...he was (as he can be) adamant...
“We need to include the word ‘oyster’ as often as possible,” He reasons, “Perhaps like...sixteen percent, maybe?” He looks to Cervantes for guidance...
Cervantes ignores him...
Cervantes was busy trying to shoe-horn elements of Don Quixote into Creative Voice’s vision...Operation Iron-Zipper!!
“For a good novel,” pontificates Cervantes, “You need to have people tilting at windmills and other people attacking flocks of sheep. The aged author stops to consider his next point...
“Oh...you should also do something in a barbershop...perhaps while awaiting a vigil in the courtyard of an Inn...”
Creative Voice takes notes doubtfully, “You mean like kill Hitler in a barber shop?”
“Who is this Hitler?” Queries Cervantes
“Pope Pius V.” Explains Creative Voice.
“HERESEY!” Shouts Cervantes. “YOU WOULD DARE KILL THE MOST HOLY SEE?!?”
(Gurgle-snort, Splurt)
“Shhh!! ...ShHHH!” Creative Voice quickly recognized his mistake,
“Shhh...No, no...I meant Sulliman...Hitler is Sulliman...”
Shaking his head, Cervantes pulls out his quill and attempts to make changes to the text on the monitor...
“Hey!” Protests Creative Voice. “Sit down...you’re going to scratch the screen with that!”
The raucous debate spills into the dreams of the two sentient beings sleeping on the other side of the room...real-life, wanna-be, hack, short-story writer, Thomas and his loyal animal companion...Truman...
A Series of Dreams...
(gurgle-snort, Splurt).
In a swirling array of images...dream sequences take over the sub-consciousness’ of Thomas and Truman...
Tilting at Windmills...
...chasing a squirrel...hot sun...tongue lolling......rolling in the grass...suddenly...Thomas stops dreaming of squirrels, sun, and grass...his dream shifts...his roommate, Erika, on the phone with a T-mobile representative...fighting (another) bullshit added charge...company fights back...she’s tilting at windmills....
Attacking a Flock of Sheep...
...standing on a high ridge in the Pyrenees Mountains...Truman is transported into his dream...His instinctual desire to fulfill the role of the mighty Great Pyrenees as a ‘Livestock Protection Animal’ is strong...someone was talking about attacking a flock of sheep...in Spanish...Truman knows he must stop it...
Vigil in Courtyard of Inn...
...Thomas is waiting in the parking lot of a local motel. His mind is on his literary love interest...Betty. (It’s going to be one on ‘those’ dreams). In the dream he eagerly awaits her arrival...there’s a bag of oysters on the seat next to him....
Barber and Shaving Basin...
...Truman at the groomers...he is unhappy...too much water...does he look like a Newfoundlander?? ...he jumps about...pees for no reason...overturns the wash basin...dog groomer’s nametag says ‘Nikki’... she looks like Hitler...or is it...Pope Pius V...real bad Nikki...
With an annoyed start, Truman wakes up. He was on edge over the impending sheep attack and the dream about the bath had put him in a sour mood. He looks around. Thomas is still sleeping...an odd smile on his face...
Truman licks himself for awhile before he begins to listen in on the conversation between Creative Voice and Cervantes.
In addition to penning the very first novel in the western tradition...Cervantes also delivered the first ‘talking dog’ story in western literature...A Dialogue of Dogs....
Truman takes advantage of this fact by eavesdropping. He doesn’t like what he is hearing...
Truman Makes a Decision...
The big white furry dog gets up with a slow languid stretch followed by a vigorous shake of his head that begins at his nose and ends at his tail. He stops for a moment to scratch his ear. This reminds him to lick his crotch for awhile. Eventually...he jumps off the bed and goes into the backyard...
This movement occasions Thomas to roll over, “Oh Betty...”
(gurgle-snort, Splurt).
Upon hitting the fresh air and open spaces...Truman loses focus...he sniffs, chases butterflies, pees, sniffs...some other purely dog-related stuff...
He was in ‘the position’ ...shoulders hunched ...ears pinned back...staring off into space when he remembers...oh yeah...the bird...
He finishes his business and goes looking for his contact...
Truman finds him on a low-hanging branch.
Truman explains his concerns to the large black bird and they discuss it for a bit. They plan... After about ten minutes of this, the large bird takes flight...
Truman pees on the tree...sniffs the pee...acts surprised that there is pee on the tree...pees again...just to be sure...before returning to the house to monitor the situation...
As he goes into the house...three cats, who had been watching the interplay between dog and bird, began to plot. As Cervantes never penned, A Dialogue of Cats, it’s impossible to understand what they are saying.
Even had ‘cat literacy’ not been an issue...it would have been difficult to ascertain their intentions...cats tend to keep their own council...
A Dirty Hovel in Baltimore...
Real-life, short-story writer, Edgar Allen Poe, is passed out on his bed in a disheveled pile upon an even more disheveled mound of laundry. He appears, in very real danger of drowning, in a puddle of drool, of his own making.
(gurgle-snort, Splurt).
It’s difficult to discern where the disheveled writer ends and the disheveled laundry begins. More to the point...it hardly seemed worth the effort to find out.
These were the thoughts running through the Raven’s mind as he takes in the pathetic spectacle before him....
“CAW-CAW!” The bird loudly announced his presence...
The body on the bed stirs...
“CAW-CAW!”
“Oh...Mary Todd Lincoln?” The confused author mumbles as he emerges into consciousness...
“Cervantes is stirring up shit and making waves in Reno, Nevada.” Quoth the Raven...
“Argh...not again? When will it end? Alas...Nevermore...” Complains the acknowledged ‘father’ of the American short-story...
Knowing that Cervantes was way out of his league, as a pugilist, Poe gives detailed directions for the Raven to follow.
After the bird takes off...Poe splashes water on his face. His eyes are blood-shot, hair in disarray...absolutely no saliva in his mouth...
He's jittery...although rumors that he was a drug addict are unfounded...for this story...he has the monkey on his back.
He prepares an injection of morphine...as a way of flattening out the rough edges of what, was shaping up as, an even rougher day...
He gets ready for the trip to Reno, Nevada...
A Literary Cage-Match...
Creative Voice and Cervantes were well into the editing process when Edgar Allan Poe makes his appearance in the Ranch-style home just south of Reno.
“YOU!” Yells Cervantes at the appearance.
The 16th-century soldier jumps up and reaches for his sword. He’s not wearing one. Instead...he goes after Edgar Allan Poe with (his one) good fist and boots...he’s kicking Edgar’s ass...
Creative Voice cheers him on...quietly...
Poe is lying on the carpet with his arms covering his head. Occasionally, he would lash out with his feet...kicking at Cervantes’ ankles.
The fight was one-sided...
Cervantes had written a novel...he could go the distance. In typical short-story fashion...Poe was looking for a convenient out...
Cervantes lifts his foot for the killing blow...just prior to landing...Poe grabs the downward rushing ankle...pulls out a syringe...and injects 20cc of morphine into the vein running behind Cervantes’ knee...
Miguel de Cervantes gets a warm glow across his face as the drug enters his system...
He’s feeling mellow and un-confrontational as he drops his right arm and the diamond necklace slips over his head and tightens around his throat...
Standing behind Cervantes...pulling on The Necklace, as it slowly garrotes the Spaniard, is Guy de Maupassant...the acknowledged, European, ‘father’ of the short-story genre...
In a time before paternity tests, both men, Edgar Allan Poe and Guy de Maupassant, share credit for fathering the bastard short-story genre...as such...they both pay child support, although, the wealthier Frenchman is not behind on his payments like the impoverished American...
Maupassant finishes ‘choking-out’ Cervantes and lets the unconscious Spaniard fall to the ground before helping Edgar to his feet.
Seeing the collapse of his plans...and Cervantes...Creative Voice gives a shrill shriek and runs out of the room.
He heads to the Texas Theater and takes in a double feature...the 1963 releases of “Cry of Battle” and “War is Hell.”
He plans on sitting in the dark theater until the recent unpleasantness blows over...
Back in the room, Poe and Maupassant consider what to do with the unconscious Cervantes.
“What should we do with the unconscious Cervantes?” Asks Maupassant.
”I have a short-story idea about chaining a near-do-well to a wall,” muses Poe, “before bricking him in one by one until there is no evidence of his death.”
Maupassant considers this. “Hmm...intriguing. What do you plan on calling it?”
“The title would be,” Poe says. “Bricking Cervantes behind a brick wall. But...that’s just a working title...”
Poe grabs Cervantes legs while Maupassant lifts him from under his armpits...they leave to find a suitable basement in Reno, Nevada for bricking Cervantes into...
In the back yard...The Raven is smoking a cigarette. After flying to Baltimore...he continued his journey to Paris to pick up Maupassant before bringing him back to Reno.
He was tired...but more to the point...he wanted a cigarette...recent F.A.A. rules prohibit the practice in flight...
He was enjoying his smoke when the three cats attacked...tearing him apart. As his lifeblood seeps into the northern Nevada dirt he cast a sideways glance at what had become of him...
“That sucks.” Quoth the Raven...
Gurgle-snort, Splurt. What...?
The room was a shambles. The fight between the three authors had overturned furniture...broken lamps...and, quite frankly, caused quite a bit of damage. When Cervantes passed out...he evacuated his bowels. It smelled.
Truman was sniffing around in the debris field. He had gotten to the spot where Cervantes had his ‘accident’ when the serious sniffing began.
He lifts his leg to give his opinion on the smell...
“BAD DOG!” Yells the newly awake and (always) confused, real-life, wanna-be, hack, short-story writer, Thomas. “What are you doing?!? Why did you do this?!?”
Truman runs into the back yard...
After cleaning up the mess, righting furniture, and opening some windows, Thomas puts on his first pot of Poshcoffeeco of the day before settling in front of the computer.
He was surprised to see the machine already on with an open document...
He begins reading...
Not bad.
It’s kind of long for a short-story and the title was lame as hell. Operation Iron-Zipper?
Real-life, wanna-be, hack, short-story writer, Thomas deletes about eight-five percent of the rambling monologue before turning to the title...
“Hmm...?” He quickly begins backspacing the lame title and then stops, thinks...what would be a good name...?
Don Quixote vs. Don Knotts.
He hits the ‘publish now’ button......
Related
Comments
- Author
Michelle...
Thank you for taking the time to give this one a read and leaving such a nice comment. It's interesting that you mentioned Truman earlier and here he is the hero of this particular (weird) little story...lol. I've always been a huge fan of Poe but I had to do some research on Cervantes.
Thanks for saying hi!
Thomas
Learned in such a funny way about Poe and Cervantes!! And thanks for the input for future novelists, a boom for all writers!! Thanks you!
- Author
hi Phoenix,
It's very nice to meet you. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment! I'm glad you liked it!
Thomas
Brilliant.
- Author
Suzette,
Wow...you can read and comment on my stuff ANY time!! lol. I'm very glad you liked this and no...I have yet to send this in to The New Yorker or anything. To be honest, it hadn't occurred to me. Your very nice comments now have me thinking maybe I should?
Thanks for stopping by!
Thomas
- Author
Alastar,
Why thank you good sir for hanging this one out the window and giving it some air! (it needed it!). I'm looking forward to your latest my friend and in the meantime I will be racing against that 72 hour deadline for my next! We live in exciting times...
Thomas
This is brilliant! I have never enjoyed a short story so much as this one! Your talent for short story writing is emense. This should be published - what are you waiting for? I hung on every, and I mean, every word. Thank you so much for sharing this and your creativity with us. Send this in to the New Yorker Magazine - I'm not being funny - I think it is that good.
How about a Thought Sandwich classic for lunch today. We'll save some money and share it.
- Author
Audrey,
I'm glad you liked this one! I must admit it was fun to write...I was trying to find a role where Truman would be the hero. Although I have no knowledge of "literary genius" I could pass along a beer if you are hankering? Sometimes that helps with story generating ideas. Some times not...
Have a wonderful afternoon!
Thomas
I don't know when I've enjoyed anything more than this hub. Could you please pass some of your literary genius to poor little me? I would so appreciate that. I love both Don Quixote and Don Knotts!
- Author
Wow...I was sleeping in a disheveled pile on a disheveled pile of laundry, and woke up to see all these great comments...THANKS!
@cclitgirl...It has been my experience that wine normally helps getting through one of these things...after all...I'm drinking the wine when I write it! I was unaware that you were a Spanish teacher...you could have helped translate for Creative Voice! Thanks for stopping by!
@Audrey...Awesome! I was hoping for at least one guffawed! Thanks for reading, enjoying, commenting , and guffaw-ing!!
@Cindy...Yeah! I got a giggle out of ya! Yup..Truman is a Great Pyrenees...White labs are awesome because of their lack of "ever present" hair but until Truman is finished with me...I will continue to deal with the hair!
@Victoria...I will happily accept 'rambling' in either the good or bad way. Turns out...I am easy. Thanks for reading and commenting!
@Jeff...Why thank you my new friend! I shall continue to spew this crap out until the crime scene comes up and I'm forced to stop! Thanks for commenting!
Man, you remind me of myself friend....quick witted type....Great hub, and the comments between you and the musician are hilarious! Keep it up buddy, am following now!....Jeff
I love your creative rambling that ties together nicely at the end. And I mean "rambling" in a good way! You're so creative to pull all these characters together. Don Knotts and Don Quixote--priceless! Voted up, interesting, funny, and awesome!
I've not read this one before Thomas. As usual it puts a smile on my face that smile lasts a long time because you just keep delivering. I've been trying to remember Truman's name. Now that I see a pic of him, I had not guessed that that he was a Great Pyrenees. I thought he was a white lab.
You are so very articulate in your humor--I went beyond chuckling and guffawed a couple of times! Great fun write!
Your hubs continue to amuse me. No wine this time! Hehehe...but my hubby's pouring me a glass as I write this. ;0) I love stuff about Don Quixote, by the way: I'm a Spanish teacher.
- Author
Nell...
I believe we may have found a new niche for the ghost writing business! Laughing...I spend a large portion of my day just watching my dog go through his day...I'm glad it translated!
Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Thomas
Hi, the one point that popped into my mind was, why do so many psychics say they really do have 'ghost writers'? haha! if your story is anything to go by they would be completely useless at helping anybody today! seriously, loved your hub, and the dog description? spot on!
you're welcome, Thomas. Anytime. I like to find the time to read your work.
- Author
Justin...
You are not lying my friend! Thanks for stopping by!
Thomas
that's the best type of writing!
- Author
Justin...
Truman WAS the star of this one! I'm glad you liked this one...I'm not really sure where it came from but it was fun to write!
Thanks,
Thomas
terrific, thomas. one of my faves. I sure do think Truman is adorable too!
- Author
Daisy...
You are very kind to give this one another peek. It tends to be my forgotten child on occasion! Thanks for the visit!
Thomas
Thomas,
You certainly have a way with words. I loved this Hub. I just came back to read it a secind time.
- Author
alocsin...
I am very pleased that you found this selection humorous! Thanks for the Votes and the comment!
Thomas
Thomas,
I'm sorry to say that we're all working for free while we're getting this thing off the ground. As revenue grows, everyone who contributes their time will be compensated of course. People work better when they're not worried about paying their utility bill, and while it's freebie time I never ask for anything but leftovers. I'm a very loyal person to those who are loyal to me, and I'll make sure that they get compensated before I do. In another year I think we will all be very comfortable. I'd love to have you with me at some point, but I know you need the bread, so I'd never ask you to cut off your foot for me. I know you will always balance me out and make sure that I don't become a fat, grouchy, old close minded conservative who wants to eat the young. On the other hand, I'll balance you out, and make sure that you never forget how a successful business is really run. We've all got to eat my friend, rich and poor alike. Many of my both conservative and liberal brothers and sisters, get hung up in a lot of bull shit that makes us lose track of our common goal. I may drop you an e-mail giving you my phone number. It would be a lot of fun to shoot the shit with you once in a while. Were going to meet and hang out in the not too distant future anyway!
jim
What an interesting comparison. I like them both. Voting this Up and Funny.
- Author
Jim...
I do understand that you are not a Tea Party person...you are far too pragmatic and dedicated to getting things done, fixed, and moving forward to a better tomorrow. Most Tea Party folks want to obstruct, bitch, and look backward in time. I truly do appreciate what you are trying to do good sir.
I think you are lucky that Sarah's security people didn't try to mace you. No...you can't come back for another kiss...if she did she would realize that the whole Todd 'thing' is a charade.
Take care my friend!
Thomas
PS...does your organization require a writer in a paid capacity? No...I don't know any writers...I was thinking about me.
- Author
Cagsil...
Thank you for taking the time to read and for leaving such a nice comment. I tend to run long so I figure "funny" is the least I can do for the poor bastard that makes it all the way through!
Thomas
PS...Thanks for the 'tag' advice...I shall be implementing those changes as soon as the current story ideas stop flowing!
No, I don't believe Sarah will be there. I'm not a huge fan of hers politically. You know I am not a tea party guy, but I was invited to be a guest speaker at their mega rally last year in the Des Moines, where she was the featured speaker. After the show we spoke briefly and I got a hug. I was very enthusiastic about this because I wanted to see how her breast felt smudged up against me. They were fabulous. So much so that I began humping her leg ever so slightly. She managed to pull away just before I planted a big open mouth kiss with tongue on her. I think she liked it, but I doubt if she comes back for more.
Hey, do you think that if I learn to spell good you can teach me how to write good like you? (looking up with big huge cartoon eyes)
Hope you're having a great day, pal!
Jim
Hey ThoughtSandwiches, you have a knack for creative writing which is interesting. Not to mention, this was funny! Thank you for sharing. :)
- Author
Tammy...
Thank you so much for your kind words and giving this little story some love. Laughing...well..."higher" something anyway...
I'm glad you liked Truman's story of being the hero!
Thomas
Wow.. I on of your sandwiches if I can go on a magical journey such as this. You are highly original and seem to function on a higher mental plane than most of us. Well done!
- Author
Jim...
From what I've read...Gov. Brewer would fit the category of 'crazy" so you know I'm down. Will Sarah be there? She doesn't really like me.
This sounds like a party to rival your 100th hub party! I do look forward to it!
Thanks my friend!
Thomas
PS...thanks for giving this lonely hub some love!
Thomas,
I'll keep you informed my friend. We'll meet before then and you can hang around backstage with me and the other nut jobs. Harlan will be handling the general production. I'll go up just before Nugent and throw out a bunch of red meat, then introduce the Motor City Madman, then we'll sit back and watch all hell break loose. We are inviting some crazy folks as guest speakers from Gov. Jan Brewer to Jesse James of jackel. The big thing is to get all the major medias out there covering this thing of course.
jim
- Author
Jim...
(laughing) ...one thing I have learned to describe in words...a dog licking his own balls. I'm very glad I was able to put you in the action between Truman's tongue and his testicles.
The band seems like a good idea...you say you got laid did you?? Yeah...lift from the knees on the peanut butter thing...
It's weird that you would describe the valley between yourself and Eddie Van Halen...I have similar doubts whenever I start a story...not Eddie obviously...but the likes of Dave Berry and other TRULY talented funny writers who leave me feeling pretty lame when I hit publish.
I guess all we can do my friend is do what we do and hope people like it. Or at least don't say that they hate it.
To answer your question on Ted...I saw him at the California World Music Festival in 1978...he was the closing act...awesome show! Let me know...I would like to attend and finally get to meet you!
Thanks for the Read!
Thomas
Thanks,
Thomas
Thomas,
You are simply freaking amazing. I’m not a writer, but I am a musician (sorta) I’m not putting myself down, but reading your stuff gives me the same feeling I get in music. I started playing the guitar in the fifth grade and taught myself. I played in front of the mirror and practiced my singing techniques till my sexy shit got me turned on.. By the sixth grade . I had a band. We won the sixth grade talent show, and I was an instant rock God at Carrigan elementary school. Mission accomplished. See, I learned how to play guitar fairly well, but I never took it serious enough to be a guitar player. There is a difference. I like standing in front of that Mic and singing to all the pretty girls. That guitar was just background noise to carry my singing, and singing got me laid. Simple. Fortunately, I was always surrounded by good musicians.
I don’t play with bands anymore, but I still do an open mic once in a while. The girls still like me, but they sure have changed a lot. They seem to weigh a lot more and have aged. Anyway, getting back .. I was struggling through some pretty simple riffs the other night, and after a while I got it worked out pretty good. I was feeling pretty good about myself, but then I found myself watching an old Eddie Van Halen thing on YouTube. That old feeling came over me as I realized the huge gulf between me and actual guitar player.
I find myself experiencing the same feeling as I read my friend Thomas. As I said, I’m not putting myself down. It’s a good feeling. I’m blessed with knowing how to play the guitar just well enough that I can truly appreciate what EddieVan Halen does. I’m very new to writing, but I write just well enough to appreciate what it is you do. I bet you think I’m done don’t you. Sheeeeit, I’m just getting warmed up.
I’m really weird. I watch a world-class dancer, and find myself fixating over a loose string on one of her shoes. This thing reminded me of that old Rocknroll Heaven song by the Righteous Brothers. You think about Hendrix up their playing golf with Beethoven, and they’re arguing. Beethoven is accusing Hendrix of copying some of his shit, and Hendrix is calling him an old fool who can’t even spell Stratocaster..
All that high brainer stuff you did, and what sticks out in my mind is how well you were able to make the reader visualize Truman licking his balls. You really put me there. I dunno, maybe I’m still hung up on that peanut butter ball thing. I hope not. I’m getting back cramps. No seriously, you know doggie thinking, and can describe it so vividly that I feel a bit like a dog. Okay, I’m getting a little bit reckless with the make up now, and I’m starting to look like one of those freaky old Hollywood starlets who gave themselves a bad paint job with the lipstick thingie. Better stumble away from the table.
You are awesome. my brother!
jim
- Author
Daisy...
That is a VERY polite phrase, "a very active mind." I like it!! I'm so glad you liked this and thank you for the read, comment, and share!
Thomas
Great stuff, Thomas! You have a very active mind. I like that.
I just shared this with my followers.
- Author
Theresa...
I am so glad you liked it! What you called "a very interesting mind," my ex-wife called grounds for divorce. I always assumed the short-story guys would need to tag-team Cervantes...turns out...that is exactly how it went down. I hope Maupassant's appearance was a surprise!
Thomas
Oh, Thomas-
What fun, what fun, what fun. A fabulous literary ride as always...and you even mentioned Guy de Maupassant. Wow! You got skills and a very interesting mind. :)
Theresa
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missolive...
Thank you so much for stopping and leaving a comment whilst adhd brained...as I was adhd brained when I wrote it...That may be good. Yes...the passed out guy...was/is me. I would be happy to give you a portion of the sandwich!
Funny you mentioned that...when I wrote it I made a Jim Nabors singing reference and my roomies thought I was nuts. They still do...but for different reasons.
Thomas
ok - I am going to have to bookmark this. The ol noggin is VERY adhd right now! MissOlive's brain is mush - eeewwww and needs much needed sleep. Not unlike the lil fellow in the first pic (I assume this is you? hehe) Maybe you were counting the sheep in the latter picture??? (Also, if you make Epi a creative sandwich I would like a portion as well.) You've paired two of my favorite people - Don Knotts and Don Quixote. Strangely I can hear Jim Nabors singing 'Oh My Papa' in the background.
I digress
I will say this - this is one great hub. I want to read it again and give you a much more worthy comment :)
Your ending IS priceless!
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Epi...
(laughing) ...alas...I am the product of a public school education and unfettered access to television as a latch-key child growing up in the 70s. It would appear it took a toll...
Thomas
...yes and anyone who can put Don Knotts and Don Quixote together must be a hub genius .... lol lol
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epigramman...
It is always an honor to have you grace my humble hubs good sir...and with such kind words, no less!
To be able to provide a 'thrill ride' is the least I can do and I am certainly glad I was able to!
Your visit and comments are greatly appreciated!
Thomas
...whatever creative thoughts they put into your sandwiches .... I want some - you have some of the most fun, memorable and enjoyable hubs I've ever had the pleasure of seeing/reading in Hub history and this one one like your last hub will be posted with honor, joy and pride by the epi-man - to his FACEBOOK page with a direct link back here .... you put so much effort into this and for me it's like a thrill ride
lake erie time ontario canada 1:49pm
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hi Brian...
I Suppose by 'delete' 85% of it...I actually meant that I didn't write it...more a mental deletion. That leaves more room in my head to do other things. I do the same thing with me emails...mostly.
Thomas
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Flora,
Weird, huh? Truman didn't care for it either.
Thomas
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boskov,
I am very glad you enjoyed it my friend!
I learned quite a bit when I was doing (for a lack of a better word) research for this story. Cervantes was quite the overachiever.
Thanks for your wonderful comment my friend!
Thomas
Is a "rambling monologue" how you refer to this hub? ...and did you really delete 85% of it? :-)
attacking a flock of sheep?
Thomas, I had a great time reading this hub!
I like to learn random history facts, and this hub and the comments taught me some things I wasn't aware of :)
As always, the actual plot was extremely interesting and unexpected - great job, my friend!
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I could not possibly agree more! Besides...crying is just unseemly.
Thomas
Keep on laughing, it's good for you and for your friends too!:)
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Linda...
Shout out to the last 10 minutes of the baby-boomers,huh?
Well...I used my time constructively (yesterday) to Google what movies were playing in that theater on that day.
My other 47 years (and change) ...not so much on the constructively front! (laughing)
Thomas
How cool is that! I am 6 months older than you (I checked FB)! At least you are using your time constructively:))
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Linda...
I did not know that info either (I, too, was busy being born that year) ...but as I got to that part of the story yesterday (November 22) it occurred to me that I could shoe-horn in the two movies that were playing in the theater that Lee Harvey Oswald got arrested in. I know....way too much time on my hands...
Thomas
Thomas, accept credit when credit is due. I had no idea that both Cry Of Battle and War Is Hell were released in 1963. I was a bit busy being born that year. See I did learn something new! Thank you my friend!! :)
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Linda...
Well obviously...when you said that you had new knowledge as a result of this Hub...I assumed you read ANOTHER hub and are simply commenting on this one.
I assume that is still the case and am shamelessly taking credit for that 'knowledgeable' hub!
I am very glad you liked it and have a very safe holiday!
Thomas
Thank you for the thanksgiving eve treat! I gobbled this hub up word for word! My mind is stuffed with the new knowledge I learned from you! Outstanding! :))
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jhamann...
I have to hope that you were standing in excitement at the outcome of the fight?!? Yes...in my mind...that is what you were doing!
I believe that Poe served in the peacetime army and Maupassant served in the Franco-Prussian War of 1871...that said...damn Cervantes had a strong resume!!
I am very glad you liked it! Happy Thanksgiving to you too my friend!
Thomas
Read it in one sitting, well kinda, was standing during the fight sequence. Go...Cervantes, no Poe, no Maupassant...Shit lets go with the war hero! Awesome read! Happy Thanksgiving!
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