- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Poems & Poetry
Dumb Poem Collection - # 177 through # 186
Another 10 of the Dumb Poems
Today the weather really threatens. According to the forecast maps, the bad stuff missed us handily, going to our north and thence all the way to the big ocean way to our east. Tornado strikes are shown on the map and we fear for those affected (having been through enough of them ourselves). It seemed like a good enough time to get our thoughts off of bad weather and get back to transcribing our Dumb Poems again. So, with gratitude for sunshine and breezes instead of hail and bad storms, this Redneck downed two big hamburger sandwiches, a couple of eggs and cheese, a big mug of hot coffee, and then it was back to keyboarding.
Some brief explanations may be in order, for several of these Dumb Poems may contain stuff that many hubbers will not recognize, for they were not here to observe some of the nonsense that us older (and better-looking) ones witnessed. Being of the writing persuasion, I wrote these things after taking a look at some items in my memory.
"Alka-Seltzer," before all of the fancy new antacids and the like came along, was popular as a bellyache reliever. The manufacturer used to run advertising (1978, with Sammy Davis, Jr.)that used the Alka-Seltzer’s fizzing in a glass of water as a real feature of the stuff – drop an Alka-Seltzer pill into the water, listen to the noise the big pill caused, and gone was your tummy ache.
For those who don’t know it, Cajuns are indigenous to the Louisiana country swamps, and Aggies are students and graduates from Texas A&M University, the butt of many jokes here in Texas – sort of like Polack and Italian jokes elsewhere. In Texas it is considered OK to pick on Cajuns and Aggies.
Crepes Suzette are super for desert, particularly so if the brandy poured atop of them is ample. Crepe myrtle is an inedible vine that has pretty blossoms but not much else going for it. As an aside, some folks believe it is all right to use "crepe" and "crape" interchangeably. As the saying goes in the great mistake of Brooklyn, "it ain’t." So I didn’t. See, even us Rednecks makes good use of ditchnerraries for reesons of grammaricalnesses.
The "Bank of Sark" was a remarkably successful fraud perpetrated on unsuspecting (and jackass) investors back in the 1960s. Imagine investing tons of your money in "Bank of Sark" securities when, had you simply contacted the folks who lived on the Island of Sark you could have quickly learned that there was no "Bank of Sark." Put that mythical institution into your search engine and you can read the whole fascinating story.
So much for explanations.
# 177 – The Day the Ocean Roared – An Ode to Alka-Selzter
It takes quite a big noise
to diminish whales’ poise.
You need a loud crackle
to chase away grackle,
but what scared the pants
off the elephants?
How come the lion
just plain quit tryin’?
Why such a fuss,
Disaster at sea.
What else could it be?
A boatload of pills
sunk down to its gills.
"Plop plop fizz fizz..."
Oh, what a big noise it is.
# 178 – Stage struck
A guitar with its G-string on
went center-stage to air
a song and dance routine it knew
and a player worth a stare.
# 179 – The Cajun and the Aggie
One day in downtown Houston
two men met nose-to-nose,
and in an intersection
both tripped and then arose.
Each stepped leftly.
Then each halted,
their plans defaulted.
To their right each went
and met plumb center.
Yet each had thought,
"Right will prevent 'er."
So, when you visit Houston,
don’t miss this funny sight.
The two’ve been there a year or more,
street-dancing day and night.
# 180 - The last may be first
There are lies, damn lies, and statistics,
all in real common use, tricks or no tricks.
The first kind is fun.
With the next you're undone,
while the last works best on sophistics.
# 181 – The neuter computer
Inside, outside, row on row,
electrons zip and lights all glow.
With vectors, sectors, and multiplex,
this grand machine is full of sex.
Which one? We’ll never know.
# 182 – Flirting with disaster
Dull-witted Dan was a gardening man
with a taste for good food and fine wine.
His favorite dish, his stomach’s first wish,
Crepes Suzette (double-brandy design).
As Dan gardened one day in his dull-witted way,
with his mind only on his next feast,
up with his spade came crepe myrtle he’d made,
for on food, Dan’s thoughts never quite ceased.
Feeling like a real winner, Dan came home for dinner.
In quick order his crepes pan was hot.
Crepe-ing away at the end of a day
was the kind of enjoyment Dan got.
With his new recipe Gardener Dan would soon see
if crepe myrtle improved on the taste.
(Crepes Suzette are all right, but not every night,
and no plants should a good gardener waste.)
When he’d emptied his platter, Dull Dan felt some fatter,
but then his invention exploded.
Sure, crepe myrtle tastes fine when cooked in old wine,
but what’s taste when your inside’s corroded?
Across the divide went Dan on his ride
to a place where no guy’s in a pickle.
On his stone is inscribed, "Suzette first – Myrt arrived.
Had I known I would not have been fickle."
# 183 – Unable Mabel
At our table
here sits Mabel,
mouth full of pits,
thumb in the grits.
# 184 – Midsummer night’s fright
Mother Goose is not too nice.
She tells her tales with extra spice.
It’s enough to scare most kids
and make them sleep with open lids.
Read ‘em Shakespeare’s my advice.
# 185 – Occupational hazard
Some urine was shipped in a jar.
To the lab it came from afar.
Into testing it went,
right under the vent,
for its odor was not up to par.
# 186 – The Bank of Sark
In circles financial the word went around.
"The new Bank of Sark appears to be sound.
Their notes have neat borders. Each value’s engraved.
While the paper is thin, paper cost was thus saved.
The earnings are great, letting us make real money.
We should buy all we can, for this chance is a honey."
Yes, that’s how it is when you’re banking on fun,
but, if you’re Bank of Sark, you’d best start to run.