Dumb Poem Collection - # 37 through # 48

Looking at the roster of "Dumb Poems" on the storage disk, it is apparent that I am close to halfway through with consolidating the lot of them. The goal is to assemble them all into one coherent and presentable set of eBook pages.

Yesterday (whenever that was...) I played around with making an audio recording of one of them on a DVD platter. The mechanics of that venture went very nicely, but it became apparent that much was missing as to quality of the voice. As the late Marvin Zindler often said, "It’s hell to get old!"

Anyway, it is onwards and hopefully upwards with this fun project. Every now and again there will be a snag or two that may catch the bottom of this boat and lend interesting problems to its ability to float nicely. For example, I have to locate "Dumb Poem # 44." It has wandered off into the ether-like world of not-so-well-indexed computer files. Most of us Rednecks suffer from such malpractices. Do not fret, however. If I cannot find the thing, I’ll do whatever it takes to make a new one for you.

Once again, the illustrations here are all by my friend, Al Kaeppel (wih the exception of the "sell phone" picture). He is an amazing man, is Al. I have it on good authority that he has never misplaced anything during his long and productive life. Well, maybe not, at least on some permanent basis. One time his dog got loose, but that was only a very temporary thing. Al simply sketched a picture of the dog, but exaggerated the ears, omitted a good part of the tail, and made the dog look like some sort of wimp. The word went out about that cartoon among all of the critters in the area. Their ridicule of the hound caused him to return home quickly (and on his own), and, there, to beg Al to take down the picture. Let me tell you, that Al Kaeppel guy is something altogether else.

Skiing

"Skiing is the sport for me.
My skis are new, as you can see.
Powder snow is on the hills.
Here I go to get some thrills."

"Skiing lessons are for kids.
(These slopes are not the pyramids!)
I'll just keep my two knees tight.
(The book I read said that way's right.)"

"Hey! Skis go faster than I thought.
(I wonder what I've really bought???)
That ski book author was a clown.
He never mentioned UPSIDE-DOWN!"

"Yes, skiing is the sport for me
when followed up with surgery,
then ten weeks in full-body cast!
(I wonder if the snow will last???)"

Machine Language

A computer with only one button
gobbled data up just like a glutton.
When you turned the thing off
it would sit there and scoff,
printing, "I won't tell nobody nuttin ! "

Can vs. Can't

Tin cans - crushable,
Kids - unhushable!

The Centenarian

"One hundred candles on my cake -
my wish made, to be sure...
It's for a rainstorm through the roof !
I'm year-rich, but breath-poor."

The Put On

Little Boy Blue
how grows your corn,
and why is your green suit
looking so worn?

Is it because
you portrait by day,
while nightly, in green,
you revel and play?

Or is it a matter
of fooling the masses
with rent-suit for pictures
as sweet as molasses?

Little Boy Blue,
may your portraits endure
the thought that you're renting,
and really quite poor.

A Clear Case of Rubbery

Has anyone seen my plastic rat?
He's polystyrene and really fat.
When last I fed him milk and cheeses
he kissed my nose and gave me squeezes.
(I suspect my rubber cat ! )

The Grass is always greener

We have three dogs, a nice clean yard,
and a trowel that really works quite hard.
Our advice to you - "Don't go no fu'ther !
Walk on this fence side and not the other."

My "Sell" Phone

I’d wanted one for quite some time,
but hard it was to save a dime
to get one.

Save I did ‘til finally there
on sell-phone day (with bucks to spare),
I bought one.

Tiny buttons, row on row...
The booklet said that’s how they go -
came with one.

I hoped for calls from presidents,
family, friends, and residents.
Came not one.

The first call came, and would you know,
a sales call only – real low blow -
that first one.

What was the why of my desire
to have a phone without a wire?
Threw out one.

The Psychiatrist

"Before I peer into your mind,
I'd like to take a look
to see if you can make some sense
with your pocketbook."

Pretender to the Throne

The look of that toy is certainly wrong -
too cute for a tiger - for a frog, much too strong.
His color's all green.
There's a bow in his hair;
somewhat more like a mouse
than a rough and tough bear.
Well, he doesn't mind. He thinks he's King Kong.

Mineralogy

Inside or outside a sock
there's nothing as bad as a rock.
It gets under your toes,
and the pain grows and grows.
Near a sock, any rock runs amok.

Whether Forecast

"The chance for rain is 50-50.
For sun, the same.
Is that not nifty?"

"The chance for snow is 1 in 20.
(Summer snow
is not too plenty !)"

"The chance for breeze is likely low,
depending if
the wind'll blow."

"The chance for whether is real good.
That's what I forecast.
Understood?"