Dumb Poem Collection - # 61 through # 72

There is some sort of story behind each of the dumb poems in this collection. The ones on this page are not exceptions. So, below each of them I will provide the tale, at least as best as I can remember it.

The illustrations were all produced by my friend, Al Kaeppel. It amazed me every time that Al could read one of these dumb poems and come up with a great image that captured its intent. I got a big charge out of his work, more so than I did my several words.

The Artiste

The paint went on for days and days.
It splashed without relent.
It got so thick the thing outweighed
a concrete monument.

Note: The "artiste" was my brother-in-law, a real artist. He could paint. He could sketch in pencil and charcoal. That rascal could (and did) make leather shoes, a violin, and many different kinds of wine. One time he donned a bowler hat, a "Lord Chesterfield" coat, grew a great big handlebar mustache, and carried a fancy walking stick. "Why?" I asked him. He answered, "Little old ladies open doors for me. Policemen call me ‘Sir’, and children are too scared of me to be pests."

The Nazi Party

Iss not so demm schure soytin
who iss dees schtoopid Loytin.
Zey komm und dine,
trink all mine vine,
denn schwing on vindow coytin.

Note: A fellow from Chicago, "K.M.S.," (who wanted to remain anonymous) put a little book together that he intentionally wrote using a mixture of very bad English and horribly distorted German. The book made fun of folks. This dumb poem was intended to be much like his prose.

On-the-Job Training

Sam watched the nice plumber
all during his stay.
Finally, Sam, not too bright,
was prompted to say,
"It's tough to be dumb -
so I can't be a plumber."
"No indeed," said the man,
"You could even be dumber.
Learn 'Uphill it don't flow,'
and 'On Fridays there's pay.'"

Note: Sam Danna, a friend who worked at the famous M.D. Anderson Cancer Center, told me that, one time, they had a water pipe leak in his nuclear medical laboratory. The plumber marveled over Sam’s computerized equipment. He told Sam that it must have taken Sam a long time and lots of study to be able to figure out how to use it all. Sam told him, "No, you only have to know to push the on-off buttons. But you have to go through all sorts of training to be a plumber. You start off as an apprentice. Then you get to be a journeyman. If you stick with it, you get to be a master plumber after many years." "Nope," said the plumber. "It’s easy. All you have to learn are two things – that stuff don’t flow uphill, and payday’s on Friday."

The Breaks

The Chief of Police always drinks from a cup.
When he is all done,
his coffeebreak's up.
The Fire Chief sips all his drinks from a bottle.
Thus, he can keep breaking
while racing full throttle.
The reasons are dim why these things are so,
but, take it from me,
that's the way the breaks go.

Note: As I was cussing something out very loudly, someone told me "Well, that’s the breaks."

Let's Hear It for the Buffalo

Give three cheers for our good friend, the Bison!
He's a beast of strong smell and huge siz'n.
He looks quite abnormal -
laid back, yet quite formal.
(He wears tails, but he never puts ties on.)

Note: I was working for a really goofy real estate title insurance company named "Buffalo Title Company of Houston. The "big boss" was big, and he was as nutty as was his whole company.

Wisdom

There once was an old sugar bowl
whose contents leaked out through a hole.
The ants learned right fast
that sweet times do not last,
so they swallowed as soon as they stole.

Note: There was a long line of little ants that had entered the kitchen and were marching across the counter toward the sugar bowl.

Coo You

The pigeon walked upon the grass,
avoiding every piece of glass.
He gobbled crumbs and hunks of bread,
or anything thrown at his head.
His attitude seemed mighty crass.

Note: This one came about in San Francisco in front of the city hall. You could not scare the pigeon away. It was not frightened by anything – not even by a dumb poem.

The Law of the Land

The congressmen meet every night
to make all our laws and to fight.
One bunch argues loudly,
another bunch, proudly,
while the rest, always wrong, say, "We're right!"

Note: This view of the U.S. Congress is known to all.

Let 'em Drift Out to Sea

Goldwater said it.
Most of us read it.
New Yorkers dread it.
Not new, it's true but blue.
(No money isn't funny, honey!)
"Let 'em drift out to sea."
Watch them go with great glee.
Them - not you - not me!
It's ideal, has appeal, could be real.
Their own land! Oh how grand! Understand?
(New Yorkers, brash or staid,
would never be afraid
to ask for foreign aid!)

Note: Many readers here will be too young to have heard Barry Goldwater, then running for election to become the president of the country, say such things in one of his many speeches. You might say that Goldwater was not too keen about the East Coast states and their residents.

Do Tell !

"You say, 'Ronnie Reagan's President?'
I wondered where that fellow went."

Note: As if we never knew that the "Great Communicator" was elected back in 1980...

People to People

Miz' Lillian told us (on the air)
that all was well in India.
"Those folks'll treat you downright fair,
as long's they don't get wind a'ya."

Note: On the TV news show it was told that Lillian Carter, President Carter’s mother, was on a good will tour of India. I always marveled over our American thinking that other countries required our "good will" tours.

Charley Horse

Charley Horse is quite a pain.
I ran my best.
He won again !

Note: As I typed this lovely dumb poem I had had a really painful leg cramp in my typing hand.