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Dumb Poem Collection - # 73 through # 84

Updated on February 4, 2013

"Friends" was the exception

This Dumb Poem Collection is coming together quite nicely. If my count is correct, after this I have but another 10 dumb poems to go to complete collecting all of those that are already written. As with the other dumb poems that preceded these, I will attempt to explain how each of these came about. Sometimes that is not easy, for the "inspiration" may have been but a fleeting thought – a flash vision that popped into mind at a moment’s opportunity. The why for that was (and is) not often apparent.

With one exception all of the illustrations were sketches drawn by my friend, Al Kaeppel. As I have explained earlier, Al would look at a dumb poem and come up with a cartoon that went right along with it. Al was obviously really a dumb poem writer, but he just never realized it.

The Old Stone Fences of Limerick, Maine

Bob Frost loved those Limerick fences.
Maine boulders sure tickled his senses.
So he wrote a fence poem,
then took his words home,
wondering, "Should all my thens have been thences?"


There's the Safeway place and the A&P.
Between them sits "Joe's Grocery."
The first's real big. The other, crowded,
but I buy at Joe's
'cause Joe allowed it.

A Reasoning Season

The Indian stood there
bronzed and tall.
He looked about
and watched leaves fall.
Thought he, "Fur breechclout
will be nice.
There's parts of me
hate snow, hate ice -
fuzzy feathers
for my hair -
no use freezing
starting there.
Patch moccasins
around the toes!
Give much pain
if they froze.
Wood for squaw -
make nice fire.
New papoose
also sire!"
So, the Indian stood there
bronzed and tall,
and now he smiled.
He'd thought of all.


Friends are OK when they pay their own way.
For birthdays and funerals friends shine.
You'll need at least one if its tennis you'd play,
but you sure don't need friends just like mine.

Some of their rules include borrowing tools,
potatoes, five bucks, or a pillow.
The duller among them could not be called fools.
Their fireplace wood was my willow.

My books they take far and forget whose they are.
My coffee's for free, so they drain it.
You can't count all the dents that they put on my car.
With my friends there's no way to contain it.

If you'd like a new friend, just ask and I'll send
some of mine to you for your inspection.
(Keep an eye on them closely. They all seem to tend
to resist against any correction.)

If your needs are precise - if you'll pay full price,
I'll sort through the bunch for a winner,
but they're artful, these friends. They come on real nice,
so watch out if they ask, "When is dinner?"

Once I've transferred a friend, there's a rule I won't bend:
The delivery of friendship is final.
You must keep what you get. There's no return send.
For your problems take pills or a spinal.

Stored Away

The best idea I ever had
was put on page 4 of my pad,
and, on that page without a "please,"
my wife wrote out her groceries.

A Human Race

At Amy McGonigal's wedding
some smiled, but there was much tear-shedding.
Upon Amy's "I do !"
her man cut and flew.
"You'll do WHAT?" he cried, out the door heading.


An Inclination

I once bought a very cheap chair
with a wood frame that was much too spare.
The people who'd built her
had sawed in some kilter.
(It had four legs, but one isn't there.)


Ziggy is a dog.
Now, that's a possibility,
but Ziggy thinks that he's a bird
possessed of flight ability.

He's mostly stupid.

Ziggy plays it cool.
In weather reasonably dry, but hot,
Ziggy digs holes in lawns
and sits in them a lot.

Yes, he's mostly stupid.

Ziggy loves the neighbor's cat.
No pretty poodle, that one, a c-a-t instead,
bony and calico. A cat named "Boomer," no less !
What else could be said?

Ziggy's no Einstein.

It pains me to have to badmouth Ziggy so.
After all, he trained my kids and spouse
to the point where they all drive me nuts
and cause the neighbors to raise eybrows.

Ah well, Ziggy does try hard.

And, were you to ask Ziggy what he knows
about a couch that seems to have a wagging tail,
or about where my burger got off to,
Ziggy'd answer. He wouldn't fail.

He'd bark his 167-IQ bark !

Did you ever hear a 167-IQ bark?
That's the way Ziggy is,
mostly stupid,
but quite a whiz

(with folks like you and me.)

Gorilla Warfare

In the land of the high-mountain apes
they've banned import and selling of grapes.
With the halt of fermenting
the apes are lamenting,
drinking Pepsi, and getting in scrapes.


Forty days it rained hard on the valley;
drowned a mule and two cats in an alley.
Not double the pay
could get folks to stay.
They moved on, using maps by McNally.

There's No Fool Like an April Fool

Folks all think it funny
to play their tricks on me.
"April Fool" is what they yell,
grinning trickily.

But on this first of April
their tricks roll off my hide.
People fool me all year long.
Today's an easy ride!

Lizzie's Tizzy

There was a time, in Bordentown,
when Lizzie hauled the cannon down,
aimed it squarely at the tower,
and stuffed it full of shooting power.

Yes, Lizzie filled it full of stuff -
powder, shot - "I NEED ENOUGH
to blow that tower down to size.
There's no way I'll economize."

The fuse was lighted. Cannon roared.
The tower went (to its last board).
The cannon, too, it went away,
and Lizzie's missing to this day.


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