Dumb Poem Collection - # 85 through # 94
Publish or perish - or publish AND perish
Busy, busy, busy, busy... it’s enough to make a Redneck’s red neck turn pale from overworking his other parts.
What is going on is that I am mostly finished with turning this whole Dumb Poem thing into a nice eBook. That has been a learning experience because of the use of an advanced software version to do the job. Let me tell you, it is like starting all over again when those computer software folks let loose a new "version" of the programs to which you and I have become accustomed. But I did need this upgrade for it was important to have a relatively automatic way to make "bookmarks" (links) to each of the many superb Dumb Poems.
And, good friends, the upgrade software version really does work nicely. One click up front and you have your chosen Dumb Poem right there on your computer screen. Now that is just as slick as a whistle, isn’t it?
Target day for completion and release is December 31st, 2010. There are several reasons for having selected that date. The first of those reasons is that I expect to have all of the keyboarding and the like finished by then. The next reason is that I sense the public clamoring for my stuff. The third, and likely final, reason is that I have received notice from government authorities that they intend to prosecute anyone who makes fun of their foolishness beginning in 2011.
To top off that last point, they did not like it when I sassed them recently. What did I tell them? "I stay out of airports. I keep away from X-ray machines of all kinds. I don’t even wear briefs and do not sew bombs to my hide. Also, I heard that you turkeys use funky rubber gloves that you purchase, used, from dumpster-divers. And on top of those things, I have a great good time making fun of you ding-dongs. Oh, yes, please send my tax refund really quickly this year, OK?"
So, dear friends, I’ll bet you have the picture.
Before I forget to tell you, the book title is "Dumb Poems." If you think that you will need a copy for your own research or to effect a cure for what ails you, let me know about it in a comment, below. Don’t put your eMail address in the comment, just your regular HubPages nickname. I will find you. (I’m learning how to do that from my adversaries!)
Dumb Poems Copyright 2010 G.Kilthau
The Hole Story
Swimming pools are built for fools
by men with picks and other tools.
With rainfall shorter
there's no more water.
Swimming's banned by statewide rules.
The Elephant and the Whale
An unlikely two are these giants so grand,
the whale and our elephant friend.
A whale, when afloat, breathes air through his head,
while elephants drink through their noses, instead,
the whale while in water, the elephant on land.
One day the two met at the edge of the sea,
a meeting quite large though but two.
The elephant noticed that whale's back was wide,
so he hollered,"Hey Whale! How about a nice ride?"
Said Whale, "You'll like riding on me!"
Elephant jumped, and the sea rose ten feet,
and the whale was splashed onto the cliff.
This wasn't at all what these giants had planned,
the dry one in water, the wet one on land,
watched by Gus from a front row seat.
"It's Gus," yelled the whale, so scared that he rolled
from the cliff right back into the ocean.
The wave that he made pushed the elephant out
before he'd a chance to get salt up his snout.
(There's some more, but it can't yet be told.)
He Took Things for Granite
There stands a tall statue of someone.
I think that he was quite a dumb one,
for, in snow and in heat,
pigeons perch on his feet,
and eat bread, rolls, or cake if you'll crumb one.
A Very Simple Business
A store on Main Street
always kept its shelves neat,
and no sales they put on,
for their goods were all gone.
Their sign simply stated, "Delete."
The King of the Worms – II
The King of the Worms came out one day
to see what he might see.
An aardvark sat close by King's door,
smiling aardvarkly.
"Upon my word," good King Worm cried,
that one's a strange affair.
He ruins my whole neighborhood
by uglifying there."
"Ugly Aardvark, won't you leave
my doorstep right this minute?
Although I'd heard of your bad looks,
those tales did scarce begin it."
"Ah, King of Worms who lives in dirt
that I am loathe to walk on,"
Aardvark said, "I plan to stay
no matter how you talk on."
"My mother loved the look of me.
Your rudeness isn't hurtin',
and, even though you may be king,
your own looks are uncertain!"
The King of the Worms – III
The King of the Worms came out one night
to take a breath of air.
He looked around, then blinked out loud,
for he saw nothing there.
"Now this is strange," declared King Worm,
"I know my eyesight's keen.
So where's that warm and friendly sun?
He's not where he has been."
"The trees are gone. There are no birds,
nor bugs, nor people, either.
It's never been like this before
at times I've had a breather."
"Are my worms where I left them?
None may have vacation.
That's why worm progress moves along.
I rule them by dictation."
"What's sorely needed here above
is leadership like mine.
I'd not allow such goofing off.
they could die - but not resign."
La Dolce Vita
Cassinelli had a belly,
big as it could be.
He tried to tie his shoes one time.
Shoe-tying takes "must see."
"It’s food or shoes!" Cass’ thought out loud.
"I know what’s best for me."
"It’s beer and wine and pasta, too."
"So, toes, I set you free!"
Bad Angglish
Wunce they wuz poore man
spoked Angglisch wen he can.
Spoked nyte en daey.
Wut that man saey?
Nytetyme spoked daey ding,
daeylite spoked nyte ding.
Him Angglisch bad all tyme.
Him no cents - juss gud ryme.
A bad hair day
It often rains like cats and dogs,
and fog plus mist soon follows.
Mice jump into nice dry holes,
as do fierce owls and timid voles.
But cows in meadows full of green
have no dry holes, nor in-between.
Tree branches leak rain water - badly.
So cows lay down in puddles – sadly.
It’s really hard and not much fair
for cows whose hides have so much hair.
Cow hair grows thick and water tightens
all that cow hair - pinches, frightens.
Great big cows, though wet, soon dry,
and very few’ve been known to cry.
Still, could cows speak, they’d likely pray
for sunshine - not for rain today.
The day the Pope’s speech was redacted
The Pope from Rome
was on his way home
when a stone in his shoe
made itself felt on through
Pope’s sock.
Shock!
And painful it was
to feel hurt through sock fuzz.
So Pope did a thing
that made the bells ring.
He uttered bad words that exacted
their need to be quickly redacted.
Pope's words are now changed,
and they're all rearranged
to the way they are now
as redacted – here’s how:
"@ and a Z plus a 7 ..."
(...just how Peter would write them in heaven.)
