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E.G.G Episode 52: Hammer Time

Updated on October 9, 2015

AND THERE CAME A DAY, A DARK DAY. A DAY WHERE THE LIVES OF THREE FRIENDS WERE SINGLEHANDEDLY DESTROYED. BUT THAT DAY HASN’T HAPPENED YET. NOW, HISTORY HAS BEEN REWRITTEN, AND E.G.G WILL WAKE TO SEE A BRAND NEW DAY.

Previously, on E.G.G...

When Josh returns to E.G.G Base after a sweet date Maya, he finds that it is overrun by a computer virus. Jocasta volunteered to enter the system and find the source of the problem before it erased all of E.G.G's data. However, things were worse than they seemed. Inside was a menacing monster the team came to call a Technovore, and it was consuming everything! Jocasta worked as hard as she could to hold off the Technovore while E.G.G came up with a counter virus. In the end, Jocasta sacrificed her consciousness to stop the Technovore, leaving only a sliver. When E.G.G revived her, she had seemingly forgotten everything and was about to reacquire Ultron, but Celeste was able to get through to her. Josh discovered that the Technovore came from A.I.M, but was threatened by a mysterious figure before he could look any further into it.

Click here to read E.G.G Episode 51: Technovore

Click here for the Episode 51 Q&A

Episode 52

-Hammer Time-

“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!”
“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!”

Agent Rice lay asleep in his bed in his S.H.I.E.L.D sanctioned apartment. His alarm rang, and he promptly stopped it, rolled over, and continued to sleep. Then Squirrel Girl skipped into his room, jumped in his bed, and began hopping up and down on top of him.

“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” She shouted with each hop.

“Errrrr…” Rice grumbled, rolling out of bed. “Okay, enough already, I’m up.” He rubbed his eyes as Squirrel Girl happily skipped around the room.

“Can you make me some cereal?” She asked.

“I told you it’s not that hard to do.” He said, grabbing his uniform. “You need learn to do these things yourself.”

“No I won’t, because I have you!” She exclaimed. Rice grabbed his watch.

“Squirrel Girl, I’m not always gonna be around to…” He paused. “Oh no.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Today’s my birthday.”

“Oh, happy birthday!”

“No, not a happy birthday!” Rice stood up, distressed.

“Why’s it not happy?” Squirrel Girl asked.

“Because every year I go out with my girlfriend, and this year I’m stuck spying on Eileen, waiting for something that’s probably never going to happen!”

“… You have a girlfriend?”

“What? Yes! Ah man, what am I gonna tell her?” Rice buried his face in his hands. Squirrel Girl’s tail suddenly perked up with excitement.

“What if I do the super cool spy stuff today?” She asked. Rice looked at her.

“Alone?”

“Yeah!”

“Uh, no.”

“What? Why!”

“What if Eileen loses control of her powers? You wouldn’t even begin to know where to start…”

“Come on, you said yourself it’s never gonna happen! Just take a day! I’ll watch Eileen. Go be with Jane.” Rice looked at her.

“Her name’s Sabrina.”

“Really? Cause I always pictured you with a Jane?” Rice sighed.

“You sure you can do this?”

“I’m fine! Go!” Rice grabbed her shoulder.

“Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me!” He eagerly rushed out of the apartment.

“Wait! You didn’t make…” The door slammed. “My cereal… Aw man!”

* * *

That night in E.G.G Base, Maya, in a low cut black dress and high heels, rushed back and forth like an excited child in a toy store. Acacia, wearing a long sparkling yellow dress with a matching handbag, and Celeste stood watching her.

“What’s this?” She asked, picking up a Thwip Blaster. “Oh, no, what’s this!” She asked, dropping it and grabbing a Flare Disk. “Oh, how does this work!” She exclaimed, grabbing a Bamf Vest. She shook it and suddenly teleported. “AH!” She screamed, and in a second, appeared across the room. “Awesome!”

“I never thought I of all people would say these words,” Acacia said. “But could you please stop touching things!”

“I can’t believe Josh never told me about this!” She said, picking up a pair of Snikt Claws.

“I still can’t believe that he did.” Acacia said.

“As a scientist, I have to say this is pretty impressive technology! I mostly work in genetics, but this is really incredible!”

“Okay…” Eileen called from a conference room behind them. “I’ve got the next one on.”

“Well come on out!” Acacia said. Eileen emerged in a dress with a white bodice and red skirt.

“Well?”

“Meh…” Acacia said.

“Meh? What do you mean meh?”

“It kinda screams farm girl.” Celeste replied.

“I am a farm girl!” Eileen defended.

“Well yeah, but you don’t want your date to know that!” Acacia replied.

“I think she looks nice.” Maya said. “And again, it is so nice to finally meet you Eileen.”

“Yeah, nice to know who my boss has been dating.” Eileen said. Maya grabbed Eileen’s shoulders.

“You really are amazing.” She said, envying Eileen. “You don’t know how special you are.” She hugged Eileen.

“Um… thanks?” She said, looking at Acacia for help. Acacia just shrugged. Across the way Allyson glared angrily at Maya. Agent Becket approached with two ice creams.

“Got you chocolate.” He said, handing it to her. “But this strawberry is all mine!”

“Look at her Beck.” She said. “Thinks she’s cute in that dress. Psh, sure, whatever.”

“What are you talking about?” Agent Becket asked.

“That Maya girl.” Allyson replied. “That’s the little tramp Josh replaced me with.”

“Ally!” Agent Becket exclaimed, surprised at her.

“Sorry, it just makes me angry, you know? I leave and three seconds later he’s got another girl latched onto him. I hope she’s worth it.” She angrily stormed out of the room.

“Okay, look guys, I’ve only got two dresses left!” Eileen said.

“Well get one that doesn’t suck!” Celeste exclaimed.

“Ladies.” Josh called. They all turned to see Josh and Quartermain emerge from the staircase, Josh in a red vest with a blue blazer and Quartermain wearing a white vest and black blazer.

“Ow, oww!” Eileen shouted.

“Lookin’ good!” Maya exclaimed.

“Sexy!” Acacia called.

“Please, please!” Josh said. “I can only take so much positivity at a time!”

“Oh, I was talking about Clay.” Acacia said, walking past him. “You look like a clown.”

“What! Well… yellow sucks on you!” Josh retorted.

“I think you look good babe.” Maya said, kissing him on the cheek.

“Thank you Maya.” Josh happily replied.

“You clean up nice Clay.” Acacia said, taking his arm.

“I ain’t gonna screw up my first date with my favorite girl.” He said. “Wanted to dress to impress.”

“Well, I’m impressed.” Acacia said. Josh looked at Eileen.

“Why does she look like a farm girl?” He asked.

“I am a farm girl!” She shouted.

“Well, we don’t want Justin Hammer to know that, now do we?”

“And what’s so bad about it if he does?” Eileen asked.

“Okay, Justin Hammer is a billionaire with an ego whose only goal in life is to one up Tony Stark.” Josh answered. “So if Tony dates a hot chick, he’s gonna go ten times hotter, which means you’ve gotta look ten times hotter than a girl Tony Stark would date.” He looked at Maya. “You dated Stark once, right?”

“Yeah.” She replied.

“So you’ve gotta look ten times hotter than Maya… which is impossible… So I guess the mission is scratched.” Eileen rolled her eyes.

“What is it about this guy again?” Acacia asked.

“He runs Hammer Multinational,” Josh replied. “Which, after some research, I discovered is the majority stock holder in an organization called A.I.M.”

“A.I.M?” Eileen asked.

“Advanced Idea Mechanics.” Josh replied. “Think us, but evil. These guys use mad scientist skills to invent things that hurt the world, not help it. Real up there on S.H.I.E.L.D’s radar.”

“These guys sound dangerous.” Maya said. “Maybe you shouldn’t get involved...”

“They let out that Technovore virus in our base, they’re dangerous, and need to be stopped. The only thing I couldn’t find was their base of operations, but… I figure a pretty face in heels can swindle that info right out of Mr. Hammer.” He looked towards Eileen. She sighed heavily.

“For the first time ever the mission is to go on date, and James chooses now to be gone!” She complained.

“Where’s that spectacular blue dress you wore when I took you to the S.H.I.E.L.D Ball?”

“It’s in my room, I don’t know if it still fits me.”

“Well, you haven’t grown much, so…” Eileen hit Josh in the shoulder and walked off to her room.

“You guys went to a S.H.I.E.L.D Ball together?” Acacia asked.

“Yeah, long time ago.” Josh said. “I couldn’t get a date, she wasn’t gonna go, I spent a lot of money on a corsage… Never mind, let’s just get this mission done, okay!”

* * *

Agent Rice walked into a restaurant called ‘The Outlook’. If was a little fancy for his tastes, but that didn’t matter to him. Only one thing mattered. He walked to the counter.

“Um, Kyle Rice.” He said.

“Oh yes,” the attendant replied. “You have a woman waiting for you. A quite dazzling one at that.”

“Thanks, I know.” Rice said.

“I shall lead you to her.” Rice nervously straightened his tie as the attendant lead him to a table where a golden-brown haired woman in a green dress stood up to greet him.

“Kyle!” She exclaimed, hugging him.

“Sabrina!” Rice happily replied, hugging her. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Aw, I’ve missed you too hon.” Sabrina said. “Tell me, how’s S.H.I.E.L.D?”

“Ugh, I’m on the never ending mission part two.” He replied.

“I see, you don’t call, you don’t write.” Rice was alerted.

“You’re not getting my letters!” He exclaimed. Sabrina laughed.

“I’m kidding Kyle.” She said.

“Oh,” Rice sighed with relief.

“I got you a present!”

“Sabrina, you know I don’t like you spending money on me.”

“And you know I don’t care.” She handed him a small box. He opened it as gasped.

“This is a vintage pocket knife! This dates back to WWII!”

“I heard it belonged to Captain America.” She said. “Happy Birthday.” Rice smiled.

“I love you!”

“I love you too. Now come on, I’m starving!”

* * *

Squirrel Girl scurried across the roofs following the limo the E.G.G crew had rented. It pulled up at a very large mansion.

“Whoa…” She said. “Wish I could go in there!” The driver opened the door and Josh helped Maya out as Quartermain did the same for Acacia. Eileen stepped out and they all approached the doors.

“Name.” A security guard said.

“Cool J. Westbrook and his party of five.” Josh replied. The guard nodded and let them in to what seemed to be a party.

“Cool J?” Acacia asked.

“Don’t judge me.” Josh said. “Alright Wuthrich, you’ve got your mission, now find Hammer and make it happen.”

“Got it.” Eileen said. She moved into the crowd.

“And we are gonna dance.” Josh replied, gabbing Maya’s hand.

“Oh, I’m not too good at…” She replied, but Josh put his finger to her lips.

“Let Cool J. show you how it’s done.” He whispered. She laughed.

“Okay.” She said, as they walked onto the floor. Quartermain looked at Acacia hopefully. She shrugged.

“Why not.” She said. She took his arm and they joined the dance. Eileen was searching through the crowd when she spotted him, Justin Hammer, standing at the drinks table, laughing with some others.

“I found him.” She said into her earpiece.

“Good,” Josh said, twirling Maya around. “Get his attention.”

“He seems distracted…” She said, as Hammer checked out another girl walking by.

“Distract him more.” Acacia said. Eileen sighed. She walked up behind Hammer and dropped her purse.

“Oops,” she said in her best British accent, as he turned around. “Clumsy me.”

“Oh here, let me help you.” Hammer said, bending down and picking it up.

“Oh, you’re such a sweetheart.” Eileen said, taking her purse and rubbing his cheek.

“It… it was really no problem.” Hammer nervously replied.

“Still.” Eileen said, hugging him lightly. Hammer blushed.

“Um, what’s your name?” He asked.

“Eileenith Apricot.” She replied.

“Oh, well nice to meet Ms. Apricot.” He said, kissing her hand. “I’m Justin Hammer.”

“It’s an honor.” Eileen smiled.

“Oh, well nice to meet Ms. Apricot. I’m Justin Hammer.”
“Oh, well nice to meet Ms. Apricot. I’m Justin Hammer.”

* * *

Rice was sitting at the table, listing to Sabrina talk, gazing at her dreamily.

“And so then I hid in my closet and screamed for about ten minutes.” She said. “Yeah, last time I play Amnesia alone in the dark.” Rice laughed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be with you next time.” He said. “So, what else?”

“You’ve barely said three words!” Sabrina said. “Tell me about what you’re up to.”

“Aw, I want to hear more about you.” Rice said. “My life isn’t nearly as exciting.”

“Uh, says the S.H.I.E.L.D agent to the stay at home girlfriend!” Sabrina replied. Kyle laughed.

“Sabrina, you don’t know how happy I am when I’m…” Suddenly his wrist communicator popped on.

“Agent Rice!” Fury shouted. “Report! Now!” Rice covered it up.

“Excuse me.” He said, turning in his seat.

“Duty calls.” Sabrina replied, biting her chicken.

“Yes Director Fury?” He asked.

“You’ve been ignoring my calls all night!”

“My… communicator was on vibrate.”

“It’s attached to your wrist.”

“I…”

“And why are off post? Who’s watching Eileen?”

“My partner sir…”

“You mean the one that calls herself Squirrel Girl?”

“Uh… yeah. But sir, I’m on a date, and I really…”

“Get back on post.” Fury growled.

“Yes sir.” Rice said, standing up.

“Hey, nuh-uh, you’re not going anywhere.” Sabrina said. “Sit down.”

“Yes ma’am.” Rice replied, sitting down.

“Agent Rice, that was a direct order!” Fury replied.

“I… sir…” Rice stammered.

“Here,” Sabrina said, grabbing his wrist. “Hello Nick.”

“Oh, hello Sabrina.” Fury replied.

“Listen, you’ve had Kyle doing, well, whatever he’s been doing for months now and this is the first time I’ve seen him in a long time. So, if it’s not too much to ask, can we please finish our date.” Fury sighed.

“Well,” He said. “That pineapple upside down cake you made for last year’s Christmas party was on point, so… I guess you can finish your date. But I want you back to work when it’s over, understood agent?”

“Yes sir.” Rice replied.

“Thank you Nick.” Sabrina said, turning it off.

“Wow, that was awesome.” Rice said.

“You know me,” Sabrina replied, forking her chicken. “So, Squirrel Girl?”

“Yeah, she’s my partner.” Rice said. “She’s a girl that… well… dresses like a squirrel.”

“Oh. Well, if that’s what you’re into…”

“What!” Kyle flushed red. “No Sabrina! Nothing like that could even begin to happen! I mean, she’s like, 16 anyways…”

“Oh, so that’s what you’re into.” She said.

“NO! No, Sabrina, I swear to you, I would die before I even began to think about…” He stopped to see Sabrina break down laughing.

“I’m kidding babe.” She said. Rice sighed with relief.

“You can’t do that to me.” He said.

“I know, I’m sorry, it’s just fun to watch you get all worked up.” Rice smiled.

“I have grown kinda attached to her though.” He said.

“How attached?” She asked. Rice smiled.

“What do you think about adoption?”

* * *

Squirrel Girl was lying on the roof, playing around in the gravel.

“Sooooo borrrrred!” She shouted. Suddenly a squirrel rushed up to her.

“Squeak, squeak! Squeaky squeak!” It said. Squirrel Girl rolled around.

“Hey there little guy!” She said. “What’s wrong?”

“Squeaky squeak! Squeak squeakum!” Squirrel Girl urgently sat up.

“What? A poor innocent squirrel got attacked by a hawk!”

“Squeak!”

“Where?”

“Squeakum squeaky.”

“Central Park…” She nervously looked down at the party.

“How bad is it?”

“Squeaky squeak…”

“Oh no.” Squirrel Girl gasped, clasping her hands over her mouth. She looked down. “Nothing bad ever happens, they’ll be fine for ten minutes. Come on!” The squirrel leapt onto her shoulder and she was off.

* * *

Inside, Justin Hammer and Eileen sat talking.

“Yeah,” Hammer said. “Last year Hammer Multinational made $8.6 billion more than Stark Industries.”

“That’s an impressive number.” Eileen said, twirling her finger through her hair.

“Well, you know!” Hammer said. “Guy stops making weapons, it’s open season for everyone!” Eileen laughed.

“I guess so.” Hammer smiled.

“Hey, what do you say we ditch these rich losers and head up to my room.” Eileen froze.

“Your… room…”

“Don’t chicken out now Wuthrich!” Josh ordered. “We need that info!”

“Is that a problem?” He asked. Eileen smiled.

“Oh, no, I… I was just wondering what took you so long to ask.” Hammer smiled, helped her up, and began leading her up the stairs. “Guys…” She whispered.

“Take control over the conversation.” Acacia said. “Lead him into A.I.M.” Quartermain sat next to her.

“Punch?” He asked, holding a glass.

“Thank you.” Acacia said, reaching for it. But Quartermain withdrew.

“Ah, ah.” He said. “Fee is one kiss.” Acacia grabbed the glass.

“Nice try slick.” She said, sipping it.

“Can you blame me?” Clay asked. Acacia smiled.

“Come on, let’s dance again.” She said, pulling him up.

Hammer walked into his room. Eileen looked up to see a giant picture of him covered only in fur over his bed.

“That’s… tasteful.” She said, as she threw up in her mouth.

“Glad you like it.” He said, locking the door. Eileen gulped. She sat on his bed and he went to a minibar in the corner. “Wine?” He asked.

“Oh no, I don’t drink.” Eileen replied.

“A girl with values, I like that.” He said, pouring a glass. He sat next to her. Eileen shifted nervously.

“So, Eileenith, that British?”

“Medieval, actually.” Eileen replied. “My parents were obsessed with that era of time.”

“Ah, the knights and castles.” He said, running his hand down her shoulder. Eileen cleared her throat.

“So, what other investments have you made recently?” She asked.

“Oh, you know, I buy up stocks here and there.” She said, stroking her hair.

“Like what?” She asked. He looked at her. She smiled and put her hand on his leg. “Just curious.”

“Well,” he said. “I’ve got quite a sum of cash put into a little group called Advanced Idea Mechanics.” Eileen was alerted.

“Oh,” She said, as Hammer laid her down on the bed. “And… What do they do?”

“All kinds of things,” He said, kissing her cheek. Eileen shifted uneasily.

“Are you okay Ms. Apricot?”

“Yes, fine.” She said, rubbing his hair. “But I must say, you’ve peaked my curiosity. This Advanced Idea Mechanics, I’ve never heard of them. Where are they located?”

“Why do you wanna know that?” He asked.

“I… well… you know. Certain things are turn-ons for me, Mr. Hammer.” She said.

“Like, locations of technology based laboratories?”

“Especially those!” She got close to him. “I want you to whisper it in my ear.” Hammer smiled.

“Well,” He whispered. “Their main lab…” He grabbed the zipper to her dress. “Is hidden in plain sight.”

“Where…” Eileen whispered.

“An island, in the ocean, just south of England. Big, yellow, and completely exposed…” Eileen immediately punched Hammer across the jaw and he fell to the floor.

“Get the shell off me you creep!” She shouted, pulling her dress up.

“What the!?”

“Oh yeah,” She took her gun out of a strap on her leg and aimed it at him. “And you’re under arrest.”

“Who are you? And what happened to your accent?”

“Eileen Wuthrich, Agent of E.G.G. And in case you were wondering, I’m a mother shelling farm girl! Josh, I got the information.”

“Excellent!” Josh said. “I’ll pull the fire alarm and end this party.”

“You so owe me big time for this!” She said.

“So wait, this was all a setup?”

“Yeah.” She said. “Sorry.”

“Can we still, you know? Get jiggy with it?” Eileen, completely disgusted, punched him unconscious.

“Freak.” She said.

“I’ve got quite a sum of cash put into a little group called Advanced Idea Mechanics.”
“I’ve got quite a sum of cash put into a little group called Advanced Idea Mechanics.”

* * *

Agent Rice was walking Sabrina home.

“I had fun tonight.” She said.

“I’m glad.” Kyle said. Suddenly a man came out of the shadows with a knife.

“Money, now.” Rice clenched his fist.

“You messed with the wrong…”

“I got this.” Sabrina said, pushing ahead of him.

“Sabrina, I…”

“Stay there Kyle.” She said. The man smiled.

“And what you gonna…” Sabrina grabbed his shoulder, kicked him in leg, kneed him in the gut, then flipped him over to the ground. Panicked, he threw the knife at her, but she caught it and snapped it in half.

“You… you’re a pro!” The guy said.

“Well duh!” Sabrina replied. “Who do you think taught him to fight?” She kicked the guy, and he fell unconscious. Rice smiled.

“Haven’t lost a touch.” He said.

“I know.” The two passionately kissed in the moonlight.

* * *

The mansion was empty. Hammer was being arrested. Quartermain was getting into a S.H.I.E.L.D flying car.

“Sure you don’t want a ride?” He asked.

“I’ve flown in enough of these things Clay,” she said. “Thanks though.”

“How about a little sendoff?” He asked. Acacia laughed.

“Oh what the shell.” She grabbed Quartermain’s shoulder and kissed him. “Goodnight Clay.”

“Yeeeeehaaaaaawwwww!” Quartermain happily screamed, as he flew off. The driver opened the limo door.

“This was awesome.” Maya said. “You do cool stuff like this all the time?”

“Baby, stick with me, and you’ll never have a dull moment on your life.” Josh and Maya kissed each other.

“Alright, let’s go.” Eileen said, getting into the limo. “I need to find a safe place to barf up Hammer’s crap.” Josh laughed.

“Come on.” He said, as he, Maya, and Acacia got into the limo. Josh knocked on the glass. “Grand Central please.” There was no response. He knocked again. “Yo? You hear me?” Suddenly, gas began to leak from the vents.

“Oh shell!” Acacia shouted.

“The doors!” Josh exclaimed.

“They won’t open!” Eileen replied.

“Josh, what’s happening?” Maya asked.

“Everybody just put your head down!” Josh ordered. But in vain. In seconds, they were all unconscious, and the limo drove off.

Epilogue

Agent Rice happily walked into his apartment.

“That date was incredible!” He said. “I cannot thank you enough for taking over tonight.” He looked to see Squirrel Girl sitting on the bed, crying. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked.

“There was a hurt squirrel…” She sobbed. “It was only supposed to take a few minutes…” Rice’s face straightened.

“What happened?” He asked.

“They’re gone.” Squirrel Girl cried. Rice clenched his fist.

“NO!” He shouted, punching a hole in the wall.

“I’m sorry!” Squirrel Girl sobbed. Rice sighed.

“It’s fine, I shouldn’t have left you alone. It’s my fault.”

“You were on a date.”

“Yeah, I know. I was off post.”

“What do we do?”

“We call it in.” He picked up his sword. “And then we find them.”

See you Thursday!

Alright, make sure you tune in next week Thursday, October 15, and catch the Q&A for this episode! Then come back the next day, October 16, for the beginning of an exciting new 4-Part event: E.G.G v.s A.I.M! It's the battle of the acronyms people, inventors v.s inventors, and only one group will come out on top!

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