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Edgar's Story - Coming to terms with being Gay

Updated on August 16, 2013

The first time Edgar fell in love with a boy, he was fourteen. The first time he saw this boy who was about his age was on a bus on the way back home from school. At first he was excited by these emotions and would count the hours until school had finished and it was time to take the bus back home and stare at the lovely boy who would stare out the window. Edgar would sit right behind him, close enough to breathe in his neutral soapy sent and then go home and dream about him. Then one day Edgar was at church, the Catholic Church he and his family visited every Sunday. It was also a much loved time for him, as he would stare at the statue of Jesus, thorns on his head and face bloodied and would feel a sense of affection fill his body yet also at the same time indebted for the man who died and suffered so much for his sins. But Edgar would never forget this particular Sunday in April when the priest said something that struck fear into him.

‘Roman. 1:26-28, for this reason God gave them over to degrading passions,’ the priest read as he held the Holly Bible. ‘For their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another,’ the priest paused and cleared his throat and then continued to read. ‘Men with men, committing indecent acts, and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper.’ The priest slammed his bible shut, sending vibrations throughout the church, which shook Edgar from his seat. But what disturbed him most was the information he had just heard, which sent waves of fear to the pit of his stomach.

‘So you see today it is quite fashionable for men to like men, yes fashionable but not natural,’ The priest continued, now speaking his thoughts. ‘God created man and women to reproduce offspring’s. That is the natural course of life, and those men who like men, inside them lives the devil himself and it is our duty to pray for their salvation and try to save them from the burning fire of hell.’

The words, ‘the devil’ and ‘burning fire’ began to resonate in the young Edgar’s ears and it was at the moment that he realized these feeling he was having were abnormal. Boys are not supposed to like other boys let alone day dream about them. The devil was definitely living inside him. From then on he began to walk home for forty minutes every day in order to avoid the bus and that particular boy on it, and for two years straight he would pray to the Virgin Mary every night to take out the devil, to cleanse him and make him normal like all his friends who liked girls. He would go on pilgrimages and walk barefoot for miles as a punishment and a sacrifice to God, the Virgin Mary and of course Jesus who suffered severely for his sins on the cross.

And one day he met her, the girl he thought was his savior. Of course God answered his prayers, he had to, the devil was gone at last. Maria was the prettiest girl in his high school, almost every sixteen year old boy wanted to be with her. She was saving her virginity for the right man and he couldn’t believe that she wanted to be with him. They dated for one whole year and she fell in love with him for the fact that unlike all the other boys she had dated he respected her and did not try and pressure her. He fell in love with her, because she was pretty and someone who loved him unconditionally, that was what love was supposed to be like after all. Then one weekend her parents went away and it was time she thought, he deserved this gift and she wanted to give it only to him. She placed candles all over her bed room and had set the mood with an enigma tune playing. When he arrived he felt excited, this was where he belonged. As Adam and Eve and his parents and great grandparents, to be with the women he loved and someday produce babies and then it will be their turn to produce more babies until his name lived on for the next one thousand years. This was natural and what God had always intended for him. But suddenly, fear over took him as Maria stood there beautiful and naked in front of him, yet to his eyes she looked alien. The perfect pert breasts that every male would have loved to feed on, all of a sudden looked threatening. As she lay on the bed hinting that she was ready, opening her legs as in to take her, he looked down at the unfamiliar region, and while most of his other friends would of loved to dive in and quickly put their manhood inside her, all his eyes saw was a threatening labyrinth of strange petite organs covered with a web of hair. His penis stayed limp and memories of the beautiful boy from the bus suddenly invaded his mind wishing it was him on the bed instead. He felt confused and afraid, tears flowed down his cheeks as he stood there, looking down at the hurt face of the girl who wanted to give him a gift he was too paralyzed to receive. It was then that he cursed God for failing him, for not answering his prayers, perhaps he was normal and everyone else was strange, maybe that priest from his church and the bible got it all wrong. From that day on he never went to church again and bit by bit began to embrace his difference. He still loved God, and realised that he was his creation, If God didn't want him to be gay then he certainly would have not created him this way.


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