IN MY SILENCE

Even in my silence, I believe I hurt most but less than I deserve.
And I know even if I say ' I didn't mean to go silent ' even the blind will say am lying, the deaf would be happy that they don't have to hear those words come out of me.
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And I honestly ran out of excuses, and apologies and saying sorry all the time, and now I regret having being soo silent because I have to explain it and at the end if it all I'll end up saying ' sorry '.
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I wish it was easy for me to just show up, when you need me. To just be there when you need a hug or my chest to rest on, when you need me to talk to and tell me how mad or happy you are, how boring it interesting or boring your day was.... Or just there when you sad and I'd be there to make the less funny jokes that still make you smile,
..
I have lots of stuff to tell you. But I honestly don't know where to start, because I feel like have been unfair, absent for a while ( most of the time actually ) , so maybe this piece will do.
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I think about you all the time, and lord knows I'd do anything to just be there with you, and tell you how much I love you.
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Am barely functional of late,because am just not right not knowing how you've been, and how you feeling and all that.
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I feel empty, like something's missing.
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I just wanna hold you, really, look you in the eye , not to say sorry or justify my excuses but to just be there, knowing that I love you, and whisper that to your ear...

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My own silence is killing me, my lack of words is driving me crazy..
Alot to my silence I can't even write about, but am wailing from inside not being able to say I love you daily.