- HubPages»
- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
Everybody Likes Jokes! #2
Kid Friendly Jokes
Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint!
--------------------------
Danny: Would you yell at me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Danny: Good, because I didn't do my homework!
--------------------------------------------
Actress: Have you ever seen me on T.V.?
Fan: On and off.
Actress: How did you like me?
Fan: Off.
--------------------------------------------
Amy:Would you remember me in a month?
April:sure
Amy:Would you remember me in a week?
April:sure
Amy:Would you remember me in a day?
April:sure
Amy:Would you remember me in an hour?
April:sure
Amy:Would you remember me in a minute?
April:sure
Amy:Would you remember me in a second?
April:sure
Amy:Knock,Knock
April:Who's there?
Amy:You forgot me already!
--------------------------------------------
One day 3 men caught a mermaid. The mermaid told them she would grant a wish each for them if they let her go.
The first man asked to be 40% smarter, so the mermaid made him 40% smarter.
The second man asked to be 60% smarter, so she made him 60% smarter.
The third man asked to be 100% smarter. The mermaid asked him "Are you sure you want to be 100% smarter, you might feel a little bit different?"
The man said "I don't care!"
So she turned him into a woman!
--------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A: Well, a cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night!
--------------------------------------------
Q: What do you take before every meal?
A: A seat!
--------------------------------------------
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: It's too far to walk!
--------------------------------------------
Q: What is a baby's motto?
A: If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again!
--------------------------------------------
Q: What sounds do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch!
--------------------------------------------
Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Smiles, because there's a "mile" between each s
--------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with an elephant?
A: A very nervous mailman!
--------------------------------------------
Q: What is black and white, white and black, black and white?
A: A zebra caught in a revolving door!!
--------------------------------------------
Q: Why do fireman wear red suspendors.
A: To keep their pants up.
--------------------------------------------
A frog walked into a bank and went to talk to a loan officer named Patty. The
frog said, 'I would like a loan.'
Patty said, 'Well, sir, we can't give you a loan.'
'Why not?' asked the frog.
'Well,' said Patty, 'You're a frog.'
'I'd like to see the President of the Bank,' said the frog.
So Patty went and got the President. 'What seems to be the problem?' asked
the President.
'This woman says I can't have a loan because I'm a frog.'
'Well, do you have collateral?' asked the President.
The frog pulled a small glass elephant out of his
pocket. 'What is that!?' exclaimed Patty.
The President says, 'It's a knick-knack, Patty.' *Whack* 'Give the frog a loan.'
--------------------------------------------
Riddles:
1. I don't have lungs or a chest but I need air; I am not alive, but I grow; I don't have a mouth and I'm allergic to water. What am I ?
Answer: Fire
2. I am found in the sea and on land but I do not walk or swim. I travel by foot but I am toeless. I'm never far from home. What am I?
Answer: A snail
3. I run but I never walk. I have a mouth but I never talk. I have a bed but I never lie. What am I ?
Answer: A river
Blonde Jokes
Q: How do blondes braincells die?
A: Alone.
--------------------------
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
----------------------------------------------------
Q:What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light!
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"
The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"
The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"
----------------------------------------------------
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
----------------------------------------------------
One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there where the country music CD's are.
The salesman replies, "Try the other side."
So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country music CD's?"
----------------------------------------------------
There were five blondes and one brunette holding onto a rope off the edge of a cliff.
But their rope could only bear the weight of of five people.
The brunette said, "Save yourselves. I'll let go."
Impressed by her sacrifice, all of the blondes clapped...
----------------------------------------------------
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''
''Melons,'' the blonde replies.
''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''
The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''
----------------------------------------------------
One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head.
"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.
"Shut up! You're next!"
----------------------------------------------------
A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts.
"Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?"
"That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."
"No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"
----------------------------------------------------
A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redhead 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redhead 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''
''I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!'''
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, "Look, a dead bird!"
So the blonde looks up!
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde sell her television?
A: To buy a VCR!
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a blonde with two braincells?
A: Pregnant!
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert. The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated." The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned." Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."
----------------------------------------------------
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a box?
A: A case of empties!
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What do blondes have in common with butter?
A: They both spread for bread.
----------------------------------------------------
Q:Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
A:Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.
----------------------------------------------------
Q:Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A:To see what was on the other side
----------------------------------------------------
Q:How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
A:Shine a flashlight in her ear.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What do a blonde and a taxi have in common?
A: Everyone's been in and out for $2.00.
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they''ll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we''ll be up here all day."
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, “I'll take that bet!”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, “I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!”
The Hillybilly and the City Slicker
One day a man is moving from the city to the country. On his way to his
new house he sees a sign that says "Horses for sale, see farmer" and an
arrow pointing down a dirt driveway. So the man turns, drives down to
the very end of the driveway, and finally sees a little house. He goes
up to the door and knocks. A minute later an old hillbilly farmer
answers the door.
"What you want?" asks the farmer.
"I saw your sign, and I want to buy a horse." Replied the city slicker.
"I only got one left, and I gotta warn ya, she don't look so good."
"Well, let's check her out and I'll decide."
So the farmer takes the city slicker out into his barn. Inside was the most beautiful mare he had ever seen in his life.
"How much do you want for her?"
"$200" replies the farmer.
"Really? $200?" The city slicker repeats, confused at such a low price.
"Well yeah, she don't look so good."
So the city slicker buys the horse, and takes her home. A little while
later, he decides he wants to go for a run on the horse. So he goes out
to the barn, gets her all saddled up and ready to go, and jumps on. The
man is just having a blast! Wind blowing through his hair, the soft
rumble of the horses hooves on the ground. The man closes his eyes for
a minute. When he opens them up, he sees that the horse is running
straight towards a tree. He figures the horse sees it, so he just let's
her go with it. Then, SMACK, the horse runs right into the tree.
Frustrated and confused, the man takes the horse back to the farmer.
"You sold me a bad horse! I want my money back!"
"I warned ya" the farmer replied.
"What do you mean?" asked the city slicker.
The farmer replied, "I told you she don't look so good."
