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Everybody likes jokes! #1

Updated on May 16, 2010

A Moms Dictionary

Bottle Feeding: An opportunity for daddy to wake up at 2am too.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids want to order their dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your kids when you're upset with them.

Grandparents: The people who think your kids are absolutely wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Temper Tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the babies face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

My mother taught me...

Anticipation: "Just wait until your father gets home."

Receiving: "You are going to get it when we get home!"

to Meet a Challenge: "What were you thinking? Answer me when I'm talking to you! Don't talk back to me!"

Logic: "If you fall off that swing and break your neck you can't come to the store with me."

Medical science: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to get stuck like that"

to Think Ahead: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

how to Become an Adult: If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

about Justice: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they're just like you, then you'll see what it's like."

Genetics: "You're just like your father"

Roots: "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

Wisdom of Age: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand"

You know you're getting old when...

-Everything that works, hurts, and everything that doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

-Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

-Your back goes out more than you do.

Real Ad Bloopers

These are all apparently REAL ads...

Church bulletin board bloopers:
Evening Massage-6pm
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday Morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, there is a daycare downstairs.

The Rev. Merriweather spoke briefly much to the delight of the audience.

Ads in Papers all over the country:
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb cheap restaurant: Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner special: Turkey $2.35 Chicken or beef $2.25 Children $2

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and have an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

Goodbye Mother?!?

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things, when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me" she said "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable, it's just that you look so much like my son, who just died recently" "I'm very sorry" replied the young man "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes" she said "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother!'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out "Goodbye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50 "How can that be?" he asked "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said you would pay for her," replied the clerk.

Memory Test

Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin, and Martin, go to the doctor for their memory test. The doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?" "191" is his reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks Jenkin, "It's your turn, what's five times five?" "Wednesday," replies Jenkin. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin, it's your turn, what's five time five?" "Twenty-five," says Martin. "That's great!" says the doctor "How did you get your answer?" "Easy" says Martin "I just subtracted 191 from Wednesday!"

Redneck Medical Dictionary

If you understand or use many of these definitions.....YOU TOO, JUST MIGHT BE A REDNECK!

Redneck Medical Dictionary


........The study of paintings
> Bacteria........................ Back door to cafeteria
> Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die
> Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
> Caesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome
> Cat Scan...................... Searching for Kitty
> Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
> Coma............................ A punctuation mark
> Dilate........................... To live long
> Enema..........................Not a friend
> Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else
> Fibula.......................... A small lie
> Impotent......................Distinguished, well known
> Labor Pain................... Getting hurt at work
> Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
> Morbid......................... A higher offer
> Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates
> Node........................... I knew it
> Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
> Post Operative............ A letter carrier
> Recovery Room........... Place to do upholstery
> Rectum....................... Nearly killed him
> Secretion.................... Hiding something
> Seizure....................... Roman emperor
> Tablet......................... A small table
> Terminal Illness.......... Getting sick at the airport
> Tumor......................... One plus one more
> Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

Roofer Jokes

Steven Landeros, Owner of Landeros Roofing Solutions, and two
of his roofing crew are tearing off an old roof during one of their
re-roof projects. Lo and behold, beneath the rotted substrate,
they discover an old, tarnished lamp. As they rub the lamp to
shine it up, a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you
3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will simply grant each of
you one wish."

One junior roofer eagerly says, "I would like to spend the rest of my life living
in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by
beautiful people who worship me."

The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to St. Thomas.

The other junior roofer eagerly jumps in and says, "I would like to spend the
rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no
money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."

The genie grants him his wish as well and sends him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was Steven Landeros' turn.

"And what would your wish be?" asks the genie.

Steven says with a grin,
"Let me take a lunch break and then I want those two back on the roof!!"

Dennis the Roofer had a problem with getting up late in the
morning and as a result, he was always late for work. His
boss was getting very angry with him, and threatened to fire
him if he didn't do something about the problem.

Dennis went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it at
night to help him sleep. Dennis slept very well, and actually got up
before his alarm went off. After enjoying a leisurely breakfast, he
cheerfully drove to work, where his boss greeted him at the job site.

"Boss, the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!" he exclaimed.

"How nice for you," his boss glared, "but where were you YESTERDAY?"
This ROOFER is sitting at home while his wife is at work. His wife calls him at home, and seems very excited. "You won't believe this," she says, "but I just won the lottery. Five Million Bucks!!! I'm on my way home, pack your bags." That's incredible. I can't believe it," said the ROOFER. "What should I pack?" His wife answered, "It doesn't matter, just as long as you are out of the house before I get there!"

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a
number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of
these workers were considered prime suspects...they were a motley crew:

* The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once

but was never charged.

* The carpenter thought he was a stud.

He tried to frame another man one time.

* The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past.

He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

* The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

* The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to
pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

* The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

* The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

* The roofer, though often high, claimed he was above it all.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the roofer, who subsequently confessed.
The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the
workman, when he died, was hammered.


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    • Ivorwen profile image


      8 years ago from Hither and Yonder

      These are good. I really like the dumbwaiter one! I tip extra who ask if the parents if they want the secondary menu after a meal, with no hint to anything the kids might enjoy.

    • Robz105 profile imageAUTHOR

      Robyn Hartling 

      8 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      Hahahaha that's funny Merlin! I love jokes, they always cheer me up =)

    • Merlin Fraser profile image

      Merlin Fraser 

      8 years ago from Cotswold Hills

      Hi Robz,

      Great fun... Thanks for cheering me up Here's one for you

      An OAP drove his brand new Jaguar convertible out of the dealers. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 m.p.h enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

      "Amazing, he thought as he flew down A40, pushing the pedal even more.

      Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Traffic Patrol behind him, lights flashing

      and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

      Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the traffpol's arrival.

      Pulling in behind him, the traffpol walked up to the Jaguar, looked at his watch, and said,

      "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding

      that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

      The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Traffic Patrol man.

      I thought you were bringing her back..."

      "Have a good day, sir," replied the traffpol.


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