First Love Remembered

Do you remember your very first love? The one that was everything to you the moment you saw that person? The one that you thought was your soul mate, your destiny, the one that you could not live without?

My first love happened when I was about twelve years old. He was not a stranger to me, having been the brother of my best friends, Courtney and Kristin, the Monroe twins, who I had known since I was five. Ethan was their older brother by two years. I really didn't notice him much at five, of course. He was just their older brother, who was annoying, as older brothers usually are. But when I started to reach puberty, all of a sudden, Ethan seemed to transform into a Prince, a Knight in shining armor, the love of my life. Or so he was to me.

He became the obsession of all my daydreams, and all my fantasies, whatever fantasies you can have when twelve years old. From my window I watched his house for a glimpse of him as he left for school in the morning. When he came home from high school, I was on my porch waiting. I watched him enter his house; and moments later, leave on his bike to deliver the afternoon papers, his after school job. Never did he notice me, or say hello or even look my way. But my heart beat faster whenever I saw him.

In the Summer of the year 1963, I was thirteen. The circle of friends on our block included everyone, even Ethan. The ages varied, but somehow we all seemed to hang out together that Summer. A new boy, Johnny, had moved into our neighborhood that year. The girl next door to me, Jacqueline, had a crush on him. She somehow got him to be her boyfriend and then suddenly we were all pairing up into couples. I was very shy and really didn't let anyone know my feelings for Ethan.

After everyone was paired off, it seemed that Ethan and I were the only ones that did not have a partner. Through fate, or destiny, or by default, Ethan and I became boyfriend and girlfriend.

Each boy started giving rings to their girlfriend, which they bought at the candy store on the corner. Lastly, and I am sure only because everyone else did it, Ethan bought one for me. A purple, heart-shaped stone in a silver setting. They were just cheap, fake rings, but to me it was the Hope Diamond. And Ethan gave it to me! It was the most special thing in my life at that time.

That Summer was a memorable one for me. I know we were not the typical boyfriend and girlfriend. No kissing involved, no loving words, not even holding hands. Actually, it probably was the weirdest relationship in history. But, we were a “couple” in the eyes of our circle of friends, and that meant everything to me.

He rode me on his bike once when he went to collect payment for his paper route. My heart stood still the whole time. The group played Hucka-bucka-beanstalk, a game where someone hid a belt, and when it was found, that person would run after the rest of the kids and try to hit someone with it. Whenever Ethan found the belt, he always ran after me instead of any of the others. At the time, I thought it was because he liked me.

After Summer vacation was over, and we started back to school, our group activities disbursed, along with the couples. The only ones that stayed together were Johnny and Jackie, for awhile anyway. Soon, they too, became a thing of the past.

My love for Ethan did not go away though. It went back to being as it was before that Summer, a daydream, a fantasy, an ongoing desire that one day Ethan and I would be a “real” couple.

All during high school, Ethan acted as if I didn't exist. The only hint I had that he knew I did was as I passed his house, he would whistle a tune to my steps. I know he did it to annoy me, but even though I ignored him, inside I was thrilled. He sees me... he is taking the time to acknowledge me. Even if it was in a negative way.

After Ethan graduated from high school, he enlisted in the Air Force. The Viet Nam war was on and I was devastated when I heard he was going to leave the States. My Mother knew that I liked him, and knew that I would never suggest that we write, so she told him that she was going to write to him. He promised to write her back. And he did. After quite a few letters, my Mom told him that she was not able to continue to write to him anymore, and that I would, if he didn't mind. He was sweet and said it was okay with him. At first I was scared to death to write him, but after awhile it got easier. I looked anxiously for his letters, and devoured every word. He always signed them “As Always,” Ethan. That was really very appropriate since things pretty much stayed, as always. The letters were cordial and friendly, speaking of events that went on at the base in Thailand. Of course, he could not be specific since we were at war. Never did the letters speak of feelings between us. There really were none. At least on his side.

He sent pictures, which I saved, as I did with all his letters. Then one day his tour of duty was over. He was coming home! I was beside myself with joy, and fear. What now? No more reason to write to him. What would happen between us now?

My family had moved from the neighborhood I grew up in while Ethan was away, so there was no way that I could see him when he first came back to the States. He called one day out of the blue and asked if he could come by to see us. Of course you can!! I was thrilled. I could hardly wait to see him. He hadn't changed one bit. If anything, he was more handsome than when he left. He brought me a watch from Thailand. He asked if I wanted to take a ride down the shore to a popular amusement park. You bet I do.

The ride was long and tense. We had a lot to say on paper, but neither one of us was talkative in person. It made the ride to the park seem twice as long. We walked around and played some arcade games. He won a cute, orange, stuffed bunny for me, which I named Oscar. Why? I have no idea. It was the first name that came to mind. After awhile we headed back home and he said goodbye and left. I never heard from him again.

I was crushed. But not surprised. There was really nothing there between us. My heart was bent, crinkled, and dripping with pain. I took my destroyed heart and hid it away. My first love was over, never to develop into anything more than just that... a love unrequited.

Every so often, through the years, I would bring to mind my first love, Ethan Monroe, Jr. Wondering where he was, what he was doing, how his life turned out. I was no longer in touch with his sisters, Courtney and Kristin. Over the years we grew apart, each one going off in their own direction. I had heard that Ethan moved out west somewhere and married. I think they had a couple of children, but nothing for sure, only hearsay.

I miss Ethan. I miss thinking of him, the fantasies of him. However, it seems with every time that his memory is brought out of storage, I smooth out the wrinkles of my broken heart. I polish up the little statue that represents our love. Now, after so many years of revisiting my memory, it is bright and pristine, and white as porcelain. Even though nothing ever came of that love, to me it is still the special love it was back when I was twelve. Beautiful and unblemished, as pure as first love should be. It did not become the love I desired, but it still holds a special place in my heart. And it always will.

(The names were changed to protect those involved.)