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Four-Eyed Twink Speed-Dating
OMG, ladies, would you ever have imagined that your luck could turn so bad?
I bet you had fallen into the mistaken belief that you had seen it all. That the last few times you had arrived at the Home of the Hartland Hoedowners in Delafield, Wisconsin, full of anticipation of some romantic luck during the week’s Saturday Speed-Dating Sangria Sampler, Supper & Schmooze, that you had encountered just about every conceivably flakey dude ever placed on God’s green earth!
Well, guess again. Meet the Four-Eyed Twink.
(No, no, no. I’m not talking about that overly effeminate fella in the pink sateen guayabera and pressed white denim bellbottoms, with the smudged pop-bottle-bottom glasses, from a few Saturdays past. The one that was eventually tossed out by the club’s octogenarian bouncer? Uh-uh, not him. This one is a real Four-Eyed Twink!)
The Twink is a decidedly unattractive shore bird, so he probably hails from along the fringe of nearby Nagawicka Lake. Knowing the past introductory habits of every other hapless male that has crossed the Hoedowners threshold, I’ll bet he’ll brag of a multi-level manse of glass out on Hawks Hollow Road. I wouldn’t buy it. From the look of him, he more than likely resides in a mini-camper in the shadow of the on-ramp to I-94, three doors down from the Upp Chuk Chan Chinese take-out!
And just what is it with this guy? Is he not aware that leg-warmers went out long before the close of the ‘80s and the final fade-out of Flashdance? — and that, even for the brief period when they were in, they were really only intended to be worn by young, slim, hot-looking women in miniskirts and teased hair?
Looks like the Twink time-warped here from a place and time several decades back in our collective memory, because the last trendy Mohawk I can recall was worn — badly — by Mr. T. No wonder the dude’s still standing alone in the center of the parquet dance floor, neither mixing nor mingling.
Like his nearest relative, the also-aptly-named Marbled Godwit, the Twinkster has long gray-blue hairy legs. Hence the leg warmers: they are simply associative assimilative camouflage. Also like the Godwit, the typical Twink will most often nest in tall grasses. (In point of fact, this particular specimen of Twink has been known to not only nest in, but also ingest the tall grasses, whether by chewing, smoking, brewing into tea, or, when pressed for time, merely wallowing. He mostly prefers Wily Coyote, Maui Wowie, Panama Crack or Redfern Rocky Mountain High, but will, on occasion — i.e. short on funds — deign to try some street-cut Orgasmic Oregano or Pop-Eyed Pete’s Power Parsley.)
If you can recall those days of youth when a hit on a spliff of your best friend’s illicitly obtained herb would cause your vision to blur and hallucinatory visions to double, you can just imagine how trippy the trip this dude takes when he’s already looking out through four eyes!
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