- HubPages»
- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
Fullashitalitis - the new Pandemic
Did you know Cindy Vine has written a novel?
News Flash
Nanjing, China Bambi Bimbo, 27 of California became the latest victim of Fullashitalitis when she suffered a very public attack in a drugstore when the shop assistant passed her a packet of Duracell batteries instead of a packet of Durex. Bambi broke down and sobbed hysterically after shouting and cussing at the shop assistant for half an hour, after throwing tubes of haemorrhoid treatment and cough syrup around the shop. Onlookers watched aghast, as Bambi's buttons on her tight-fitting shirt popped in the midst of her exertions, releasing her pert mammary glands which jiggled and wiggled as the cough syrup went flying. Luckily, nobody was injured and Bambi was last seen been carried away to be placed in quarantine on the back seat of the pharmacist's car.
Recently outbreaks of Fullashitalitus have been sweeping the world. It appears to be no longer isolated incidents, and seems to be turning into a fully-fledged pandemic, overtaking the likes of swine Flu. Scientists are currently researching the exact cause and are not sure whether it is caused by bacteria or a virus. The way that it is spreading seems to indicate that it is highly contagious. At this stage, there is no known cure and it appears that Fullashitalitis can appear to have been cured, but it just goes into remission and continues to appear from time to time when the victim has a relapse. People are warned to be vigilant and stay far away from anybody displaying symptoms of Fullashitalitis.
Symptoms of Fullashitalitis
The symptoms are very easy to spot, being a display of unreasonable behaviour at an inappropriate time. This could be at home when a loved one suddenly has an attack, shouts, throws things, calls you bad words that you usually only hear on movies and in Texas and Wales, and locks themselves in the bedroom or bathroom, completely unconcerned that you might have an urgent need to pee or sleep in the bed. Another trigger of this dastardly disease could be when you are trying to explain why you are coming home late from work, and you hear their unreasonably irate temper tantrum on the phone, causing you to have chronic earache from the penetrating sounds of their Fullashitalitiis voice. When a person is unaware that another family member has a requirement of them, this can also trigger off a bout of Fullashitilitis. Sometimes, even an innocent question might result in an attack.
Workplace Fullashitalitis is also becoming increasingly common, as your boss or workmates make unnecessary demands upon you and your time. They launch into tirades criticizing you and your efforts and show no appreciation for the fact that you turned up on a beautiful sunny day when you could rather have gone to the beach and ogled studs and studmuffins showing off their wares on the beach while playing nude beach voilleyball.
Fullashitalitis appears to be occuring more and more in public places. Whereas before temper tantrums in public were restricted to two year olds, it is now affecting older people. An outburst can happen when somebody has to wait while you indulge in retail therapy. These sufferers of Fullashitalitis are often seen talking to themselves in an angry tone of voice while they pace up and down outside the shop entrance like a caged tiger in the zoo. Other outbursts of this disorder have been seen in pubs when you are having fun with your friends and your partner is ready to go home and stare at the ceiling and count sheep. Worst cases have been observed to swear, cuss, and pour a really well-brewed beer over the head of an unsuspecting person in the group who had no idea that their friend was building up to an attack of Fullashitalitis.
Unfortunately, Fullashitalitis has even found it's way to the internet where it is spreading like a Trojan worm, causing the infected computers to send off rays to their uses, which results in them making spiteful, sarcastic comments and personal attacks on other uninfected people in forums, like Hubpages.
This hidden disease can make life unbearable for those not suffering from it, as there are no rashes or boils or sneezes to give you a clue that someone is infected.
Treatment of Fullashitalitis
There is no known treatment. The best is to keep the infected person in isolation or quarantine and ignore them by hitting the ignore button. If something petty sets them off and they try and initiate a petty argument to get a reaction out of you, or throw their toys out off their cot for something completely asinine, do not be tempted to try and calm them down by offering sage words of advice or a well-thought out and structured counter-argument. You will instigate something unpleasant as a person who is suffering an attack of Fullashitalitis is incapable of reasonable thought.
Making romantic overtures during an attack is not recommended, as you may suffer a 'bobbit' manoeuvre and loose a treasured part of your anatomy. It is highly recommended that you leave some of the victim's favourite food readily available in the fridge or on the kitchen counter, so that as they come down out of the attack, they can seek sanctuary in the kitchen and indulge in comfort eating.
When in a forum on the Internet, do not try and engage in clever dialogue when a fellow user is displaying symptoms of an unprovoked Fullashitalitis attack. Words do hurt and the barbed words hurled in your direction as a baby hurls projectile vomit might be unpleasant and uncomfortable, and as the baby's vomit, the smell lingers for a while, making it difficult for you to move on. The stench follows you everywhere, pervading your nostrils and causing the hair under your armpits to curl unattractively.
The global financial crisis is definitely making people more susceptible to Fullashitalitis, is lowering people's resistance to this affliction and it is believed that stress and pressure could make the attacks more frequent and worse than normal. An experimental treatment is currently being cooked in a kitchen in Australia, where a mixture of pavlova, strawberries, cream, Foster's beer, sheep droppings and kangaroo urine is being liquidised in a blender and put into enemas, as it is believed that by adminstering this cocktail of 'happy juice' in the rectal regions, that Fullashitalitis can be prevented. Prevention is better than cure in these instances.
Related
Comments
- Author
Hey Tony back at Kilimanjaro and struggling without power most evenings!
I wasn't going to comment (shit scared I was!) but then I thought WTF I might get lucky and have that Blonde Poet lady come and give me the aphrodisiac whatsit and I could have fun for a few hours after all.
This was wonderful, Cindy. Haven't had such a good laugh in ages.
Hope you are doing fine now. Are you back in the shadow of Kilimanjaro?
Love and peace
Tony
- Author
haha am happy you enjoyed it Docmo!
Is this the beginning of a second major outbreak ( as I've started talking!) or has the global pandemic never really abated. Quick I need a happy juice enema ( as long as that nurse with the blue gloves is involved) . This is hilarious, insightful and entertaining... What a trooper you are cindy! Loved every word.
- Author
Hey Jamie, good to see you back, have missed you!
Love this one Cindy!! Great as always, hilarious and sadly true. Hugs
- Author
Sbeakr, think you've hit the nail on the head. The contagious period is the passive stage when you start getting wound up. By the time fullblown Fullashitalitis erupts, the contagious period has passed.
one possible trigger may be the aversive influence of those already spewing a 'passive' form of the illness...the demonstrative version perhaps is that already past the window for affecting contagion...??
i'm going for subtlety here.
- Author
Dohn, they're not sure how contagious it is, so it's best to stay far away from anyone displaying any symptoms of Fullashitalitis!
I think doctors struggle to find out what sets off Fullashitalitis, Sbeakr!
i think fullashitalitis may be relative to your position. doctors and scientists have an invariable penchant for inventing names for dis-eases they fail to control or fully comprehend.
One of the funniest hubs I've seen so far! I really hope that fullashialitis isn't contagious! Sounds deadly to me!!!
- Author
The weather is so glorious today, am a bit worried I might encounter Fullashitalitis when I leave the house!
I will :) hehehe
- Author
Thanks Shamel, now the next time someone has a meltdown near you, remember to tellthem they have a severe case of Fullashitalitis.
This is so funny :) and I like the term too.
- Author
Paper Moon, Blonde is on fire with her happy juice enemas.
Dori, lithium for Bambi sounds good! Maybe it can be given by enema as well.
Sounds like Bambi may have needed some Lithium.
dori
I missed this one. The prevention sounds bad enough that just the mention should scare the disease into remission. :O
- Author
Ah thanks Froggy! Will have to have a look see!
Just dropped back round to say Congratulations for your score. It's great to see you get there. I believe a party is being thrown in your favour ...
- Author
Thanks Froggy. not sure about the surgical mask, it might make them worse and try and rip it off your face so they can see whether or not you are grinning at them!
Cindy - I don't suppose wearing one of those surgical masks will assist in prevention of being attacked by a sufferer of Fullashitalitis will it?
It is very rampant at the moment.
And rated up - though whether my manic green button clicking is gonna have an effect of the snails pace algorithm is anyones guess.
- Author
Definitely TOF, it would be awful!
Oh, I dunno, I recon it'd give me the skitters.
TOF.
- Author
Great Blonde, there's a hug demand for your happy juice enema
Oh cool Cindy so the answers you can write a hub for that is what I was hoping to do, answer a request for a hub, I shall go look :)
Geez I must be getting a real pro at this enema concocting, I got it down to a TEE
- Author
You go to answers
Hey CIndy where do you go to see requests for Hubs??
- Author
Okay Invictus, maybe two bottles
This is ever seen in the financial mess of the world.
- Author
Diana, I wouldn't know, don't know anything about the Kamasutra.
Shalini, Blonde can always knock up more happy juice enema at the drop of a hat!
Yes Jewels, i suppose people behaving like a swine is better than swine flu.
Oh dear BC, I'll send Blonde around to your ship straight away with the happy juice enema.
Jodi, I fear that it may be contagious. Drink two glasses of neat whisky straight away to prevent infection.
OMG!!! ROFL.... I hope it is not contagious because I deff know someone with Fullashitalis has been in my presence!!! Way to go Cindy! You made my day.. : )
I'd much rather this than swine flu.
omg - hope there's enough of that happy juice stuff Cindy - looks like it's going to be needed. Thanks for my morning dose of ROFL! I'm sure it's going to be a great Fullashitalitis preventive :D
Hahahaa...hilarious. I have had my share of this. Great pix too. That last one looks like out of the Kamasutra :P
- Author
Yes TOF, I did find Nazish's suggestion a trifle disconcerting to say the least!
Why nazish, putting your nose cleanings in some-one else's business?
LOL, TOF.
- Author
Ah Nazish, that is sooooo gross lol
@ Cindy, hahhahaha ... I plan on filling the enema with my hands-on supply of boogies! :D
- Author
Thank God for that, TOF!
Hell no!
- Author
lol TOF, am I pubic enema number one?
Life is but a vale of sorrow,
No one ever laughs or smiles.
Here I sit until the 'morrow,
Crushing ice for father's piles.
A little ditty for a little shitty Pubic Enema number one.
Cheers, Sigmund.
- Author
Oh this hub had a definite purpose, Uri, it kept me entertained and helped me to procrastinate and not do the sorting through stuff and packing up I was supposed to do!
OH get off your pitiful high horse BP. You, the skank that said my mother was a slut who puts out for free to Toad (as if she deserves to be berated for your hatred of me), and then have the audacity to snivel and moan about how you were raped and abused, but now you are such a nice person who cares about everybody.
And why the initial flurry from you and others? merely because I made some jokes and mixed things up a bit with some intelligent conjecture. What is even worse, is that what I said initially was meant to be in YOUR FAVOR, however, you appear to be too self centered and thin skinned to even notice it. Once again I am spot on about you and the rest of your ridiculous cronies, who cannot even stay on the subject, but instead choose to be completely absurd and only engage in juvenile personal attacks that expose you for exactly what you are...petty, self loathing, ignorantly complacent morons...and little else!
If this hub had any veracity, or purpose then I would have read past the first paragraph. Hope it is fulfilling....D'oh!
- Author
Ajcor, think we might patent BP's goodie juice.
love it - have known a few people with this easy to diagnose but hard to cure disease! crushed happy tabs in a saucer of milk helps but I think that BP's bottle of goodie jiuce would be better - great investigative hub cindy!
- Author
Thanks Tom, and never be scared my friend! The Fullashitalitis sufferers can smell fear and will attack. Did you ever see that movie 28 days later? I think those guys all had advanced cases of Fullashitalitis!
I am scared even to write a word here. Nicely done, Cindy!
- Author
He can pay you with garlic prawns, Blonde!
Bend over Sufi I got it ready for you :)
- Author
Naz, next time they unleash their outburst, threaten them with the enema!
Candie and Alekhouse, peeping avatar only works when you encounter Fullashitalitis on the net.
K@ri, glad to keep your funnybone occupied
Janetta, if he was born with it, then it is genetic transfer he must have got from his mother or his father. You might have to make sure he didn't pass it down to your kids.
Hawkesdream, yep you are fullashyte when you have Fullashitalitis.
MM, I am so pleased you enjoyed this hub! Remember to carry a supply of enemas in your bag in case you encounter Fullashitalitis when you are out and about.
Candie, when you encounter a sneak attack, just ram that enema in quickly and squeeze the bottle.
Sneak attacts are the sneakiest ever!
LOL. How funny that it's the female hubbers primarily responding to your hub, Cindy. When truth be told, we all know that this condition affects men at a rate at least 5x higher than it does women. That is why your choice of an ENEMA to counter the problem is so perfect. The very mention of an object coming near their buttholes throws them into a new outburst of Fullashitalitis!
So many funny, funny lines, but I have to pull this phrase out as particularly hilarious:
Worst cases have been observed to swear, cuss, and POUR A REALLY WELL-BREWED BEER over the head of an unsuspecting person in the group who had no idea that their friend was building up to an attack of Fullashitalitis.
However, can I sign up for a visit to Bondie anyway?
I suppose the term is, fullashite, until you contract this disease.. very funny Cindy.
awww...what a shame. Seems my husband has come down with Fullashitalitis. Actualy, come to think of it --I think he was born with it.
ROTFLMAO!! Great one! I may not always comment, but you always tickle my funny bone! :D
Good one, Candie. I'm with you!
Sometimes it don't pay t'get involved, I watch from the "invizible zone" Kinda like a "peeping avatar".
Cindy,
Last time I made a remark on a political forum; a silly pun. But boy did people lash back at me *shudders*. I've made it a point to make that that comment of mine should be the first and the last one.
- Author
Well Sufi, you did feel so much better after Blonde gave you the aphrodisiac enema, so I'll send her over!
Looks like I need the happy juice enema - I may have Fullashitalitis, Cindy :/
- Author
TOF but you only have bad enemas, you need Blonde's happy juice enema!
Elena, I don't want to start a conspiracy theory or something, but I seriously think we are surrounded by sufferers of Fullashitalitis and I fear for the future of our happy planet!
Hey, cindy, I definitely saw some of this Fullashitalitis earlier in the forums today! I did click on the ignore button, but not quick enough, and I got a good whiff of this aillment and you're right, it smells pretty bad!
Who's this bloke light-headed? A new hubber?
I already have lots of enemas: The police, the government, the local council, Newmont mining, The old sheila next door, and on, and on. (they all give me the shh... don't let on) It keeps me moving.
Cheers, TOF
- Author
Nah, not at all FP! I saw others suffering, I did have people with Fullashitalitis at work though, and next time he bends down am going to shove an enema up his toggas. All I'm suffering from, is having had a too hot bath now I look like a beetroot and feel light-headed.
Sigh...it's in danger of becoming a pandemic, huh? (Cindy I'm amazed at how quickly you thought this one up! I'm guessing you're really suffering.)
- Author
Well Brenda, I'll have to send Blonde over with her happy juice enema.
I am definately suffering from that........ big time. lovely hub. x
- Author
Yeah Ethel, I used to avoid forums as well, but these ones here are quite entertaining. This weekend, I masturbated with chocolate on the religion forum, watched a cockfight on Blondepoets happy thread, and am now learning from Brenda how to iron.
Usually avoid forums lol. Entertaining read though.
- Author
sO bLONDE, i GOT YOU DOWN TO MAKE THOSE ENEMAS IN YOUR KITCHEN. i FIGURED YOU GOT SO GOOD WITH THOSE APHRODISIAC ENEMAS, THE HAPPY JUICE ONES SHOULD BE NO PROBS?
Haha this is spot on after what just happened in the forum. Hey Uri you need to read this mate it might help to understand what you are suffering ROFL
- Author
Gypsy, loads of people need Blonde's happy juice enema!
CC, my bbq got rained out. This huge electric storm approached and I had to scurry indoors with my sausages and put them under the oven grill. Not quite the same!
- Author
Mel, thanks for building my ego!
LM, yeah, tell him I suggested he gets a happy juice enema up his bum. Making you sleep on the couch because you drank all the milk. God! What a brat!
I just get a kick out of it at times as long as know one is really hurt or trully offended. I'm trying to read all the good new hubs now and have so much to do around here today. Hope your Q goes well. We're having ribs tonight. yum
So funny with a large grain of truth.
- Author
CC, you don't need an enema as you don't suffer from Fullashitalitis! Yep, agree with you, just click that ignore button. Some people are relapsing rather frequently though, which is a problem for those on the receiving end!
Okay. I'll tell him it's by your orders, Cindy!
You are such a great writer. I enjoy reading your work.
I don't do enemas. I could not hadle being locked out of the bathroom either, that's why we have 3 of them now. LOL I tend to just ignore those who are inflicted with this problem for this too shallo pass and evryone needs to have a fit now and again just to get rid of a wee bit o' stress ya know?
- Author
That might have been the trigger, LM, but your poor man has obviously been suffering for a time with with this malady. I suggest you get Blonde to knock up one of those happy juice enemas for you and you give it to him tonight while he is sleeping. That'll knock the shit outa him!
So what you're saying is that I should not have drank all the milk.
84