Goodbye Still Hurts

Things really changed, I personally thought that moving on was going to be simple ( I was hoping it would be). But, turns out its actually harder than not saying 'Amen ' when the pastor say to you "God says 'it will be alright '"...
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The lights went out last night, and it was raining hard with distant lightening and some not so fierce thunderstorm... And I never felt soo scared ( Am afraid of thunder, always have been no matter how 'not so fierce ') .
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Yesternight was different though, I was able to have my eyes open the entire time. And thinking about you squeezing my arm and you saying ' it'll be fine ' was actually soothing. Made me forget that I need coffee in such moments...
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And if am being totally honest am only okay when am thinking of you.
And if feels just right, most of the time: I think.
It gets my heart racing and my chest a bit hurt, but for all its worth, its totally worth it.
....
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" I hope you are happy "... That's not really me, that's me just being modest cause in real sense I want to be the one making you happy...
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I miss the crazy times you read me bedtimes stories like a kid and that gentle rubbing you did when we hugged...
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I miss those days when we didn't have to talk but just hold on to each other. I miss having someone who understands me without even having to ask.
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I miss the days when I could just be me, without having to pretend..... i miss having someone smile at me while am singing....
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I miss the days when I had to be reminded that blue is my favorite color and that am a terrible cook... And having someone monitoring if am still hooked on coffee.
...
.... Its crazy how I still want you to call me ' mine '

I wish I could go back in time and not say good bye, because that good bye still hurts.