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Get Ready for the Big Game

Updated on February 4, 2011

Are you ready for the Big Game?

American Football culminates in a celebration of all things super. At the end of every season, except when they go on strike, the two best teams battle for an immense trophy, a large paycheck, and all the Dorito's they can eat. The winning players get to endorse hair care products and the losers blame the referees.

League officials protect their brand rather vociferously. A former team owner, Lamar Hunt, came up with a simple but memorable name for The Big Game. Unfortunately, we cannot actually reference this absolutely super name for the game played a stadium that is shaped like a big bowl. Unauthorized use of the official name triggers alarms in league offices on Park Avenue in New York. Don't do it. Don't even mention this super name at the dinner table with your family. Huge men with scars on their knees will come to your house and eat your steroids.

How is the Big Game covered by the press?

Hordes of media representatives descend on the stadium to cover all the super happenings. Many of them have actually seen a football and a few could identify one if it hit them in the microphone. Sports-intensive publications such as Glamour Magazine, People Magazine, and National Review all dispatch highly skilled reporters and journalists to wait outside the player's entrance and ask for autographs.

During the super week preceding the Big Game played in a bowl-shaped structure, an entire day is set aside for media folks to hang out with players from both teams. Insiders refer to this event as media day.  Reporters from as far away as Finland and Berkley, California pose insightful questions such as "What do you have to do to win this game?" or "You're really tall, aren't you?"

What do you need to watch the Big Game?

Recent advances in television technology allow dedicated couch potatoes to have a super time watching players cavort in their big bowl. Crystal clear high definition (HD) displays are the order of the day. Many otherwise sentient human males will purchase massive screens that blot out their families, if only for a few hours. Some of these folks return their purchases the next day, leaving Wal Mart and K-Mart and Sears with a glut of used televisions only slightly stained by flying guacamole. Savvy shoppers snap up refurbished units because Andy Griffith reruns look amazing in 60" 3D.

What if you don't like football?

If you don't like football, you are a Communist and you should be banned to the auxiliary television to watch reruns of The View. Experienced Big Game watchers always have a supplemental TV deployed in an alternate location. Disinterested family members are always free to drift in and out of the Primary Viewing Area as long as they do not distract football fans from the cornucopia of pigskin party-time.

Never get between the serious viewers and the big screen on which the super game is being played in a round stadium that remotely resembles a bowl. Have a back-up television strategically secreted in the guest bathroom or built into the microwave oven.

Why is this game so important?

Football fans know that nothing is more super than the last game of the year. The Monday following The Big Game tends to be the least productive work day of the entire work year. Bleary-eyed fans stagger to their cubicles and stare blankly at their computer screens as they try to decide how to tell their families they lost the kid's college fund by betting that the first touchdown would be scored by a left-handed Samoan in the North end-zone. The odds were good, but the Samoan tripped on his hair and went down at the 5 yard line.

Yes, gambling is a super problem for half of the people who bet on the Big Game. It's really hard to get well because there isn't another game for about 5 months.


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    • Truckstop Sally profile image

      Truckstop Sally 6 years ago

      I'm looking forward to the commercials!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      Don't want those guys with scarred knees looking for me so I'll just say: very funny hub, nicomp, about the S Bowl. Go, Dolphins!

    • profile image

      Husky1970 6 years ago

      Very timely hub. Go Packers!

    • Robwrite profile image

      Rob 6 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

      You scored a touchdown with this hub.