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Halves, Nearly, Sort Of’s, Almost, I Dunno

Updated on November 7, 2019
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth, born and raised in the South, resides in Hamilton, Alabama. He enjoys sharing his unique perspectives on life through his writing.

A Look at Being Drunk


I Dunno

about drinking. Well I do. I just wanted to look like that I was an intellectual writer, one that has worked up to a position, class, and prominence. These are not hard to achieve. I (still) hold onto the fact that all men and women can climb each mountain no matter how much doubt is piled in front of them. Why did life end-up like this? I dunno. Sometimes it is best to hold back and let the more talented people run forward and drink from the trough of riches, pleasures, and being patted on the back. Here is a perfect place for me to add something about hogs, but I won't. No use.

Drinking, most prolific speech-makers say that drinking is much like being pregnant. Either you are or you are not. There is no middle ground. None of this kinda drunk or sort of pregnant. Sure our world would be more interesting maybe. But this is not my call. Maybe one day one of you will man-up and make that tough decision and if you are reading this piece and life has anointed you to make such a move in life, I just hope that I am here watching with much laughter. I had much rather laugh than cry.

I suppose that the main reason that I started out with drinking and pregnancy only being a percentage, got me to thinking. How would I react to a half-pregnant woman or a half-drunk man trying to stand in the alleyway? A trite remark as well as being a fresh question.

Now That I Have

opened up this subject of halves and percentages, it hit me a moment ago that for years I have heard many people say that they are half-sick. Okay. Are they sick in their had, stomach, colon, feet or legs? This, I would love to see explained and talked about by numerous celebrated philosophy professors, all with a Masters, try to tell me the pro’s and con’s of being half-sick and now a new one: Almost thirsty. Well, how thirsty are you? I am pretty peeved and I want someone to soothe my impatience. Almost thirsty. What a galling remark. It is like I heard a woman say that she was almost asleep, as her upset husband tried to sing to her to make her eyelids heavy. In the years prior to this statement, I have learned to leave such phrases be.

The Animal Kingdom has not been without ignorant sentences and ideas that I am sure that these animals began to wonder if maybe, mankind was the lesser of the two forces of life. Take the very old analogy: Buddy, I am as sick as a dog, and I ask you if you have ever heard or ever said this in your life at any time? I have. And I am still left for someone to please tell me just how a dog measures their sickness. And where, their head, chest, or tail? This is one complex mystery. Of course this sentence makes an equal counterpart, Look at Ned! He is drunk as a dog! I guess we need to ask some cooperative dogs just how they feel when they are sick or drunk.

To Be Honest With You

I offer you my rendering of the phrase above: drunk as a dog, and see if you can understand it. There are degrees of being drunk: tight, and that is where you have drank alcohol, but do not feel any pain in your body and you feel like loving everyone you meet. There is the next stage: pretty drunk, which means you best not try to drive no matter how much you want to pay me or your friends with good, cold cash. You can consider this degree of being drunk as semi-dangerous, but not so drunk that you only stagger-around the room, but do not pass out. Then there is drunk as a dog, which honestly means that your body is now filled with booze and it cannot absorb any more. So the body turns off every sense including the ability to stay awake.

Many people who have been reported as being drunk as a dog have fell asleep at home, in bars, sports stadiums, and at Christmas parties. Some of these citizens cannot be awakened by professional EMT’s and the only way to get them home is so have four EMT’s and man-handle the poor clod just so they will not be so stupid as to try and operate a motor vehicle.

Moving away from abusing alcohol, have you heard that your head is bursting like dynamite is being used to open your brain? I have. And these folks claim that when they feel this way, a massive migraine headache is not that far off. What a painful existence.

Then How About

non-alcoholic drinks? Have you heard of them? There is such a thing as “Near Beer,? “Non-Alcoholic Wine,” and other liquids that I do not know about. What I do know about them is that they look and taste like an alcoholic drink and do taste just like an alcoholic drink, but do not contain such a degree of alcohol to cause you to act like a wild mule that has been chowing-down LSD. So you are safe? Not really.

Why was non-alcoholic drinks even produced? I mean, what law in the universe led the gyrated designers of mind and body, to create a “Look-Like” wine and beer. But let’s be fair. We must call it by the name, Near Bear and as for wine, I have no cute label to attach to the bottle of this stuff. Fake alcohol. A paradox already existing in the lives of thousands and no grumbling can be heard by anyone. Just chug it along, put it down your throat and let us have a great all-night blow-out. Hey! We will not suffer any hangovers.

We are doing nothing more than abusing Fake Beer and Wine. Maybe if we do get carried away and start our cars and hit the road a Fake Cop will blue light us and ask for our Fake Licenses. No. Certainly not. This cop will not ask if we have been partying with real beer. He knows better. All he can smell is the aroma of Substitute Beer made by Plastic Grapes. You cannot even eat these things.

Useful things for non-alcoholic wine belongs to parties for sure, that is unless you appreciate the good company that goes with holiday celebrations rather than see who can drink the most and pass out.

Drinking non-alcoholic wine is refreshing if that is what you are shooting for and getting the wonderful taste of non-alcoholic wines and beers, well the item that I am talking about on his hub is for you. Not everyone, just you. Please made a note that I was not, repeat not, talking to everyone.

And as for the process of manufacturing non-alcoholic wines and beers is not that technical. Both drinks are made by traditional means, but in the final process of fermentation, the time allotment and maybe some yeast, is not used in order to sell non-alcoholic wines and beers which I might add, are becoming huge favorites among the holiday party crowd.

In My Drinking Days

when I was in my twenties, I made the big mistake of choosing alcoholic wine, whiskey and beer. Not cool! There were a lot of nights that I do not remember driving home and that in itself is not just stupid, but dangerous. If I had only (the three most-powerful words in the English Language) chosen the non-alcoholic wines, beer, and whiskey, I would have come out a lot better. And suffered less.

I do not drink in these older years that God has mercifully-given me, I do not long for those three-day weekend Booze Cruises and waking up in someone else’s home. Talk about ignorant.

If I had only . . .(remember these three words) if you are ever tempted to abuse alcohol, getting partly-drunk and partly-pregnant.

November 7, 2019___________________________________________________

A Look at Non-Drunk


© 2019 Kenneth Avery


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