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Hey! I’m a happy shlub!
Lost another job, but now no more getting’ up early or sackin’ out before the late show! My wife left me, and — guess what? — no nagging or transparently pointed comments about how I don’t get dressed proper or how much old food is stuck in my mustache or between the couch cushions! Then, my wife moved back in, and I once again have cooked meals and laundered clothes!
My dog thinks I smell funny, so I don’t have to walk him! In fact, I just open the door, and he takes off on his own! My kids are ashamed of me, which gets me out of PTA meetings and a heck of a lot of lame student choral concerts and uneventful intramurals!
All of the spouses, girlfriends and significant others of my former buddies consider me a bad influence, so I’m spending a lot less on six-packs of beer, pizza, and local football team tickets! I even got out of providing any census information this year by appearing at the front door with just the right wardrobe malfunction! (I didn’t know twenty-something female volunteers could run that fast! [or screech so loud!]).
Man, I’m a happy shlub!