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Women-Do Listen and Obey! HILARIOUS

Updated on September 25, 2015

Hilarious Funny Stupid Funky!

~ The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What... does a woman want?" ~ Freud

This is really hilarious & very creative. I love humor in all forms, therefore I always add some personal touch in it. I always tell my friends I am suffering from "Happilia". They ask me what the heck is that.

Actually word "Happilia" is my own creation. Here is the defination...... Always happy, lots of sense of humor. I believe it is true because my friends and family always enjoy my company. I hope you will enjoy this hub too. Please always leave your precious thoughts.

Every word has two meanings, the real meaning & the opposite (Denotation & Connotation)

Please stay focus, do not get distracted & understand the way you want too. Have fun.........


Women Do Listen and Obey!!

1.The doctor says, "Please take off your clothes, legs up and scoot your bottom to the end of the table."

2. The dentist says, "Please open wide"

3. The hairdresser asks her, "Do you want it teased or blown".

4. The milkman asks her, "Do you want it in the front or in back?

5. The Interior Decorator tells her, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!”

6. The banker tells her, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer tells her, "Spread 'em"

8. The Mailman, always delivers his package.
9. The pilot takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Women are not for decoration

Facts About Women

1) Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2) Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3) Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

4) Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5) Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6) Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7) Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

8) Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

9) Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

10) If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

11) Women brush their hair before bed.

12) Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

13) Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible".

14) The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

15) Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

16) Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

17) A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

18) Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

19) Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

20) "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman- language than it does in man- language.

21) Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

22) If it is not Valentine's day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

23) Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

24) It's okay for women to kiss each other and not be gay.

25) Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

26) The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.

Breast awareness

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

Perfect breasts
(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )

Perky breasts
(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)

A cups
o o

D cups
{ O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)

Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)

Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )

Android Breasts
| o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts
($)($)

OK Girls--now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness -- so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy...

Words and phrases women use

"Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

"Five Minutes"
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

"Nothing"
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

"Go Ahead"
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

"Loud Sigh"
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

"Thanks"
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Women's rights

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................


"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.

Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,


but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye.

Comments

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  • stars439 profile image

    stars439 6 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

    nice hub. GBY

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Hi frogyfish,

    Thanks for the comments. Please come again and visit my other hubs too. Have a wonderful weekend.

  • frogyfish profile image

    frogyfish 6 years ago from Central United States of America

    Grins, laughs and he-haws too, this was delightful - even the tongue-in-cheek bitofit! Thanks for a quite fun read!

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America

    Hi holdon100,

    Thanks for the comments. Please come again. Have a wonderful day.

  • holdon100 profile image

    holdon100 7 years ago

    you right about Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. good stuff

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America

    Hi Maita,

    I visited that hub this morning & will return to read again, it is very funny. Thanks for the visit & comments. Enjoy rest of your day.

  • prettydarkhorse profile image

    prettydarkhorse 7 years ago from US

    very funny again, Tony, visit this one, I mentioned you in this hub, take care, Maita

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America

    Kumustaka pretty,

    You are right, not just hilarious but a little bit loco......hahaha. I always love humor.

  • prettydarkhorse profile image

    prettydarkhorse 7 years ago from US

    my goodness, How do you know so much about us, all 26 is me hehe, you're hilarious, Maita

  • Springboard profile image

    Springboard 7 years ago from Wisconsin

    lol. I definitely kick cats. These were fun.

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America

    Hi daytripeer,

    You need to read more of my hubs, I am sure you will enjoy more. Thanks for the comments.

  • profile image

    daytripeer 7 years ago

    You are one funny person. The more I read your hubs, the more hubs of yours I read.

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America

    Hi chandanakumarct,

    I am glad you liked the hub, thanks for the nice comments. Visit my other hubs too,

  • chandanakumarct profile image

    chandanakumarct 7 years ago from Bangalore

    Very funny and indeed a nice hub. Really enjoyed.

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America

    Hi elayne001, Thanks for the comments.

  • elayne001 profile image

    Elayne 7 years ago from Rocky Mountains

    thanks - I needed that - hilarious.

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America

    Hi creativeone59: Welcome and thanks for the comments. It's all for fun but good suggestion about men. Actually I am very busy now and not actively involved in hubpages but I Will keep in mind.

  • creativeone59 profile image

    benny Faye Douglass 7 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

    Very comical hub, you seem to have the women down pack but what you're going to do about the men. lol. thanks for the humour. creativeone59

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Madame X, Well it's not a scream, it is just for fun. Men don't kick cats they just kick ass...just kidding.

  • profile image

    Madame X 8 years ago

    What a scream! so, men kick cats, do they . . .

    ROTFLMAO!!

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Eaglekiwi;

    I look forward to display your pic right here on my hub.....hahaha. Do you really mean it.....hahaha.

  • Eaglekiwi profile image

    Eaglekiwi 8 years ago from -Oceania

    Thankyou, actually the gorgeous girl in your hub made my night!! and I still crave Wendys an 99 double cheese burgers...jeeze ask me for my pic this time next year huh..lol

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Eaglekiwi; Wonderful nick, thanks for your appreciation.

  • Eaglekiwi profile image

    Eaglekiwi 8 years ago from -Oceania

    what!! lmao just kidding to your best -ekiwi

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi fortunerep; Thanks for the visit and for your kind comment. Please visit my other hubs too.

  • fortunerep profile image

    fortunerep 8 years ago from North Carolina

    Wonderfully written and very hilarious roflmao  thanks for this, I need a good laugh to bookmark!

    dori

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Bryan Robertson; Did I hit you with the happilia feelings? Thanks I think I did that's why you enjoyed the hub. Please visit my other hubs and come back again.

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi chandanakumarct;

    Thanks and visit again, I try to update whenever I have time.

  • Bryan Robertson profile image

    Bryan Robertson 8 years ago from Tennessee, United States

    I like the "happilia" concept! Good stuff!

  • chandanakumarct profile image

    chandanakumarct 8 years ago from Bangalore

    Enjoyed reading this hub... haha.

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi tonialea; Thanks for enjoying & you don't have to agree with what is said here in the hub. I have no problem with that but you should share your thoughts about not agreeing. That way other people will share your knowledge too.

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Eaglekiwi; I am glad you enjoyed the hub thanks.

  • tonialea profile image

    tonialea 8 years ago

    I enjoyed reading this Hub even though I did not agree with a lot of it. I but it is funny how men think they know what we think. Keep tring, you will never get it right though.

  • Eaglekiwi profile image

    Eaglekiwi 8 years ago from -Oceania

    Naughty and nice thanks for the laughter ...ahahaha...ekiwi

  • profile image

    freeloader80 8 years ago

    very funny hub..ill have to read it again

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi cindyvine! Well, women do listen to all the 10 people mentioned above. I guess then you are the only woman left who hate shopping and bargaining and don't care when someone wears the same dress at a function!

    Because you are very positive thinker, I believe you should be listed in the Guinness world record...........hahaha. I am glad you enjoyed the hub and thanks for the nice comment.

  • cindyvine profile image

    Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

    Well, if the words are the opposite, then mmmm, your facts oabout women must all be the opposite like, Women hate shopping and bargaining and don't care when someone wears the same dress at a function!

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi badcompany99! Well, that was exactly my idea to let people enjoy. Thanks for the nice comment.

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Adam B! Thanks for the chuckle, it's great that you enjoyed the hub. I already visited your hubs & going back to leave my comment. Have a nice day.

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi SweetiePie! Well I guess it was the word word seminar is harken created the environment for excitement. If this was the situation in just a history seminar, I wonder what would be the excitement in a sex education class????

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Kabar baik appa kabar! Sorry I must have overlooked or missed your comments. Thanks for liking my hub, please visit my other hubs too & come back because I always update.

  • profile image

    Adam B 8 years ago

    Nice hub, I had achuckle out if it. I like putting my brand of humor on my hubs as well. Check out some of mine if you get a chance... I recommend Things that Piss Me Off, Car Jacking & Steven Segal, Me and His Energy Drink.

  • SweetiePie profile image

    SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

    This sounds like the seminal history lecture that our professor gave for our modern Europe course. He gloated about how the word seminar is harken to the word semen, and he got really exciting giving that lecture. Anyway, I think some of the students were really excited too. Never saw people get that excited about a class.

  • febriedethan profile image

    febriedethan 8 years ago from Indonesia

    Mr. Nice it's entertaining and really hilarious. I love your hub :)

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi shesavette! Thanks for your nice comment and I am glad you liked the hub.

  • shesavette profile image

    shesavette 8 years ago from USA

    You are great! So funny

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi AEvans!

    It's not that women use bathroom 437, it's the amount of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.

    So #26 was very true, lots of them are true but I like #3, 9, 10 & 16. Enjoy rest of your day.

  • AEvans profile image

    Julianna 8 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

    Women use the bathroom 437 times???? I had #26 happen to me it was embarrassing but I handled it well. I walked up to her and told her "wonderful taste you have", she looked me up and down and walked away abruptly, not to mention I didn't go home and change my dress she apparently did...LOLOLOLOL:)

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Welcome back AEvans, come back as often you want I update whenever I can so it's not boring.

  • AEvans profile image

    Julianna 8 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

    I had to come back and see it again, even more hilarious now...LOLOLOLOL :D

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Lgali!

    You are wonderful, thanks for your comment.

  • Lgali profile image

    Lgali 8 years ago

    That was very hillarious! I loved it all

    LOL lOL

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi jjrubio!

    Welcome to my hub I really appreciate your visit & the comment. I am also glad you enjoyed the hub.

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Welcome again Aevans!

    What can I say, women listen & obey to all these people very efficiently.

    Every word has two meaning's it all depends upon the person how he or she perceives.

    The banker tells her........hahaha it is crazy I can't stop laughing......enjoy rest of your day.

  • profile image

    jjrubio 8 years ago

    That was freakin hillarious! I loved it!

  • AEvans profile image

    Julianna 8 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

    OMG!!! I have not laughed so hard, "what does the dentist say?" fun read before I take my son to school and get off to work. Made my morning..Happy Monday :)

  • Mr Nice profile image
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    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi rmshdc!

    Welcome & thanks for liking my hub. Please visit my other hubs too. I believe you will like them too.

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi The Captain!

    Welcome & I already answered to Mighty Mom's suggestion for you is the same too. All we need is listen & obey to each other.

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Mighty Mom! I believe it's two way traffic. we should listen & obey to each other.

    Christoph, I believe already assumed a position of authority when he agreed to I do......hahaha.

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Christoph Reilly! thanks for the visit & funny comment.

    Well then you should start listening & obeying them, you will see the positive results immediately. Good luck

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Frieda Babbley!

    Welcome to my hub. When I first watched this video I was laughing my butts off. That's why I decided to put the link here.

  • rmshdc profile image

    rmshdc 8 years ago from Bangalore

    nice one. made me to read it full twice!

  • The Captain profile image

    The Captain 8 years ago from The Carribean

    Mighty Mom is right, you lily-livered land lubber. A woman needs to know who's the Captain of your ship. Brook no insolence, allow no mutiny. Thats my motto.

  • Mighty Mom profile image

    Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

    They will listen and obey if you assume a position of authority:-). MM

  • Christoph Reilly profile image

    Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

    Dear Mr. Nice. Women don't always listen to me and obey. What can I do?

  • Frieda Babbley profile image

    Frieda Babbley 8 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

    ROFLMAO at the video! Hysterical!

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi einron!

    Thanx, that's what I exactly want to do, make people laugh. I just published another hub. I believe it's very funny.

  • einron profile image

    einron 8 years ago from Toronto, Ontario, CANADA

    Very funny!  Well done. Love the photo

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi K@ri!

    Thanks for the visit, I am happy you had fun.

  • k@ri profile image

    Kari Poulsen 8 years ago from Ohio

    Mr Nice, Very funny! Of course, I had to follow the video link...then I was LOL even louder!! :D

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Kakdila Misha!

    I always try until now had no problem because I can say basic stuff in many languages. If I don't know other persons language then I use sign language........hahaha just kidding. But thanks for the nice comment.

    Paciba Paka

  • Misha profile image

    Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

    Mr Nice is always nice talking to everybody in their own language :)

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Kako si Tatjana!

    Thanks for popping in & looks like you like it very much too. Remember the saying no funny no money & no money no honey.

    G-Ma's are always right & G-Ma Johnson is great.

    lots of love & light

  • Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

    Tatjana-Mihaela 8 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

    Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...........

    Thumbs up, Tony, humor is the best healer!

    Hm...G-Ma gave good suggestion which command is the best: wise woman!

    A lots of love&light

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Kakdila Misha!

    Long time no see, just kidding. I like your new hairstyle. Thanks for the visit & for the nice comment.

    Paciba Paka

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Randy! Thanks for the visit & for your precious thoughts. Well you are right about the Doctor. I will add your line too. Enjoy rest of your day.

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    G-Ma!

    You are so wonderful. Thanks for the sweet comment. I am very glad you loved the hub. You made my day too.

    Hugs & peace for you too......

  • Misha profile image

    Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

    ROFL :D

  • Randy Behavior profile image

    Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

    The doctor has also been know to say, "legs up and scoot your bottom to the end of the table."

  • G-Ma Johnson profile image

    Merle Ann Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

    LOL that was great...loved women do listen and obey....especially 10 tsk.tsk. Thanks for the smiles this a.m. have a fun day my dear...G-Ma :O) Hugs & Peace

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 8 years ago from North America

    Hi Lgali!

    Thanks for the visit and your comment. I am always in search of good stuff.

  • Lgali profile image

    Lgali 8 years ago

    Mr Nice-another funny hub you are really have good collection