Hillary Clinton Announces She's Dropping Out of the Presidential Race

Hillary Rodham Clinton is quitting the 2016 Presidential race. In a move which is sure to generate more questions than answers, Mrs. Clinton issued a statement from her daughter's $10 million luxury fortress. The former first daughter and only child of Mrs. Clinton and her long-time reported secret lover, Webster Hubbell, the former mayor of Little Rock, Arkansas, delivered the document earlier today. Chelsea addressed the media which have been gathered outside of her home since Hillary's disastrous near-fall at the September 11th Memorial this past weekend. She spoke briefly about her mother's decision, saying it was one of the hardest choices the former Secretary of State has ever had to make. Neither former President William Jefferson Clinton or Hillary were available for questions. Hillary has a long history of denying the press opportunities to question her, and it seemed that this would be another major event where the press corps would be forced to rely entirely on written statements. Chelsea did go on to say that Mrs. Clinton wanted her to personally thank the media for their continued support and favorable news stories during her many scandals. In closing she also praised the many generous foreigners who have allowed both her and Bill to live a life of luxury due to their generous donations to the Clinton Foundation and the Clinton Global Initiative.

From the desk of Hillary Rodham Clinton - September 16th, 2016

"When I accepted the nomination in July to be the Democratic nominee for the office of the President in the upcoming election, I had high hopes on being able to complete the grueling process of campaigning even though my health was very concerning to my team. Despite those concerns, I was quite willing to forge ahead, especially since in the prior week, the Republicans chose Donald Trump as their candidate to run opposite me. At the time, the entire Democratic Committee agreed that Mr. Trump had absolutely no chance at gaining the necessary traction with American voters. That being the case, our strategy was one of avoidance and of course fundraising. This would allow me to rest at home and when needed, fly on a private jet provided by one of my Middle Eastern donors, to fundraisers and a few selected events.

Unfortunately, the plan started to unravel when Mr. Trump's campaign schedule revealed that he would be speaking in areas which are usually hands-off for Republicans. Mr. Trump demonstrated that he clearly did not understand how the American political system worked when he tried to speak to my voters. He even had the nerve to reach out to the black and gay communities; pointing out President Obama's failures along the way. No one, including myself, really thought Trump would make any headway with my voters, especially since he is a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, narcissistic, evil, Russian-loving, demonic, humpty-dumpty looking, leech of a man. His negatives were so high that we hardly had to spend any campaign funding on television; which was great since that left me with extra cash to redecorate. Just to be safe, I made a few calls to my close friends at MSNBC, The Huffington Post, and several other newspapers; I asked them to publish as many smear pieces on Trump as they could, including how much of a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, narcissistic, evil, Russian-loving, demonic, humpty-dumpty looking, leech of a man he is. It's such a luxury when you are so closely connected to the willing lapdog media. There are reporters who will ruin their entire careers just to print a story that pleases me and my husband; probably because they know where almost everyone who has crossed us in the past ends up. So many of our former friends, security people, and even a few testy journalists have committed suicide or have died under mysterious circumstances; some right before they were to disclose important information. I'm not saying we had anything to do with it, but then again I'm not saying our hands are clean either. But enough about the glory days.

Hillary Clinton statement continued.....

We put our team on full alert to sift through everything from Trump's past to have at-the-ready for smear purposes, but the results were pale as compared to our expectations. Trump did have four legal bankruptcies from the 500+ successful businesses he runs, and he was divorced, and he filed a lot of lawsuits over his career. The problem was that unlike me, Trump's actions were all legal under US Law. Even our best spies couldn't find a skeleton worth exploiting, which was greatly concerning. At least we had Trump and his big mouth to count on and our press people were eagerly ready to twist everything he said to reinforce the fact that he's a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, narcissistic, evil, Russian-loving, demonic, humpty-dumpty looking, leech of a man. I stayed at home and relaxed while we watched Trump draw huge crowds of deplorable white-supremacist, anti-Islamic, idiots to his events. George Soros, one of my oldest friends sent his goons into most rallies to try and draw the Trump supporters into fist fights so we could label them as ultra-violent, but no one really took the bait.

Then we had to deal with the books that were coming out by the wheelbarrow full. It seems as if every Republican author was able to publish a huge collection of lies about me and my husband, and get them on the best seller lists while my book sales were somehow sabotaged. Dick Morris, once a friend of our family, published his best-selling book Armageddon. Also Hillary's America by Dinesh D'Souza, and Crisis of Character by Gary Byrne, a former secret service officer who was assigned to us when we were in the White House. All three of these became best sellers somehow. Then came Clinton Cash:The Untold Story of How and Why Foreign Governments and Businesses Helped Make Bill and Hillary Rich by Peter Schweizer. We couldn't believe a writer would have the guts to tell people about all our illegal activities in our private foundation; the nerve of that guy.

Hillary Clinton statement continued......

And what seems like a daily occurrence, the Alt-right media started a smear campaign against me using leaked e-mails and my history as their platform. This is clear evidence that the Alt-right media and Donald Trump are Russian plants or spies or somehow influenced by the Russians. Putin wants to fix our elections so I lose, just because I called him out at a meeting years ago. I tried to offer him the standard deal, where he donates to the Clinton Foundation first, then we meet, and then depending on the size of his donation, I would act accordingly. he didn't play ball, so I made the call.

I was just finally getting out from underneath the fake scandal the Republicans dreamed up concerning my personal e-mail server and things began looking better. We took care of FBI Director Comey with some help to get a huge mortgage through our connections so we knew up front he had no intention of pressing the matter. But, in order to keep the Republicans from looking elsewhere for scandals, we let them play this one out for a long time. It gave me time to do damage control until my team could come up with a long string of excuses and people to share the blame with. But before we were fully separated from this scandal, the DNC hack and subsequent fallout emerged to be bigger than either Huma or I thought it would be. We discussed it while in bed one night and decided that we'd get Debbie Wasserman-Schultz to join our team since she had proven her worth by keeping Bernie Sanders from ever being a threat to my nomination. Her replacement is in my hip pocket, which made things nice and easy. Then this Romanian (Russian in my opinion) hacker called Guccifer keeps dropping caches of e-mails from other people and every one seems to be targeting me and my campaign. The wikileaks guy keeps threatening an October surprise, one which I'm certain will be a big nail in my coffin. We've tried to use Clinton-reasoning with him, but he won't budge from his safe house.

Hillary Clinton statement continued....

With daggers coming in from every angle, I've decided to make it official and announce I'm withdrawing. I'm only doing this because I don't want to go to prison or be impeached like my cheating husband. I know President Obama is only supporting me since I promised to preserve his failing Obamacare program. He really doesn't like me and I can't stand him and his wife. Me and Bill fleeced the American taxpayers when we were in office, but the Obama's make us look like amateurs. Look at how much they blow on taxpayer-funded vacations alone. I think everyone, including me, will be happy to see that globalist move on from the White House.

So, with a bit of sadness I am saying farewell. My health crisis has been getting worse over the years and I just can't keep up with Mr. Trump. I'm not looking forward to debating him for fear his attacks on my past would cause a heart attack of a flare up in my seizure disorder. Hopefully, my friends in the media will print their news stories to focus on my highlights after 31 years in public service and not my numerous scandals. They will write about how I courageously tried to meet the physically demanding hours needed to campaign, yet couldn't continue because of failing health. They will talk about my dreams of making America into a progressive utopia and shifting all the wealth from Republican millionaires to Democrat millionaires, most of who donate to my campaign, My legacy will be painted like a Picasso and I'll be able to walk into that last sunset knowing I would have easily beat Trump if I would have been healthier. Especially since he's a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, narcissistic, evil, Russian-loving, demonic, humpty-dumpty looking, leech of a man.

In closing, I'd like to thank George Soros, Cheryl Mills, Terry McAuliffe, Jake Sullivan, Maya Harris, Jim Margolis, Sidney Blumenthal, Robby, Joel, John, and of course my bestie Huma Abedin and the Muslim Brotherhood support she's brought to the group. To all the undocumented Democrats still in the shadows, don't give up the fight. To all the Bernie Sanders supporters who are still hanging out in their hippie communes, now is your time. Tim Kaine, better luck next time. Remember that we need to keep pushing the Progressive/Socialist agenda forward people. Trust in the teachings of great leaders and speakers of the past to guide you; Stalin, Saul Alinsky, Carl Oglesby, Chairman Mao, Ho Chi Minh, Castro, Woodrow Wilson, Sid Rittenberg, and Augusto Pinochet.

On another note, I'll be quietly leaving the country for an 'extended' vacation, in an unnamed country where I'll most likely die before the US Government is able to extract me. Bill and I are going to separate. I only hung on after his impeachment so I could garner political capital and live in the limelight. He spends too much time scouting teenage girls anyway. Thanks for all the donations as they will help me live a life of luxury abroad watching America collapse after the damage Obama has done. I'd say good luck, but you all know it would be a lie. I really hate most everyone in America unless I'm using them for something.