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Hillary Clinton Announces She's Dropping Out of the Presidential Race

Updated on September 16, 2016
RJ Schwartz profile image

I'm on the right side of politics and enjoy a good debate on government, the economy, and the rights of the people.

Hillary Rodham Clinton is quitting the 2016 Presidential race. In a move which is sure to generate more questions than answers, Mrs. Clinton issued a statement from her daughter's $10 million luxury fortress. The former first daughter and only child of Mrs. Clinton and her long-time reported secret lover, Webster Hubbell, the former mayor of Little Rock, Arkansas, delivered the document earlier today. Chelsea addressed the media which have been gathered outside of her home since Hillary's disastrous near-fall at the September 11th Memorial this past weekend. She spoke briefly about her mother's decision, saying it was one of the hardest choices the former Secretary of State has ever had to make. Neither former President William Jefferson Clinton or Hillary were available for questions. Hillary has a long history of denying the press opportunities to question her, and it seemed that this would be another major event where the press corps would be forced to rely entirely on written statements. Chelsea did go on to say that Mrs. Clinton wanted her to personally thank the media for their continued support and favorable news stories during her many scandals. In closing she also praised the many generous foreigners who have allowed both her and Bill to live a life of luxury due to their generous donations to the Clinton Foundation and the Clinton Global Initiative.

Former Mayor Webster Hubbell is pictured side by side with his and Hillary Clinton's daughter Chelsea.  Former President Bill Clinton has never been able to have children since he is sterile.
Former Mayor Webster Hubbell is pictured side by side with his and Hillary Clinton's daughter Chelsea. Former President Bill Clinton has never been able to have children since he is sterile.

Prepared Statement

From the desk of Hillary Rodham Clinton - September 16th, 2016

"When I accepted the nomination in July to be the Democratic nominee for the office of the President in the upcoming election, I had high hopes on being able to complete the grueling process of campaigning even though my health was very concerning to my team. Despite those concerns, I was quite willing to forge ahead, especially since in the prior week, the Republicans chose Donald Trump as their candidate to run opposite me. At the time, the entire Democratic Committee agreed that Mr. Trump had absolutely no chance at gaining the necessary traction with American voters. That being the case, our strategy was one of avoidance and of course fundraising. This would allow me to rest at home and when needed, fly on a private jet provided by one of my Middle Eastern donors, to fundraisers and a few selected events.

Unfortunately, the plan started to unravel when Mr. Trump's campaign schedule revealed that he would be speaking in areas which are usually hands-off for Republicans. Mr. Trump demonstrated that he clearly did not understand how the American political system worked when he tried to speak to my voters. He even had the nerve to reach out to the black and gay communities; pointing out President Obama's failures along the way. No one, including myself, really thought Trump would make any headway with my voters, especially since he is a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, narcissistic, evil, Russian-loving, demonic, humpty-dumpty looking, leech of a man. His negatives were so high that we hardly had to spend any campaign funding on television; which was great since that left me with extra cash to redecorate. Just to be safe, I made a few calls to my close friends at MSNBC, The Huffington Post, and several other newspapers; I asked them to publish as many smear pieces on Trump as they could, including how much of a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, narcissistic, evil, Russian-loving, demonic, humpty-dumpty looking, leech of a man he is. It's such a luxury when you are so closely connected to the willing lapdog media. There are reporters who will ruin their entire careers just to print a story that pleases me and my husband; probably because they know where almost everyone who has crossed us in the past ends up. So many of our former friends, security people, and even a few testy journalists have committed suicide or have died under mysterious circumstances; some right before they were to disclose important information. I'm not saying we had anything to do with it, but then again I'm not saying our hands are clean either. But enough about the glory days.

Hillary Clinton at a funeral of one of her former advisors who happened to suddenly die from unknown circumstances for unknown reasons just before he was about to release information to the media.  Notice the smile on her face.
Hillary Clinton at a funeral of one of her former advisors who happened to suddenly die from unknown circumstances for unknown reasons just before he was about to release information to the media. Notice the smile on her face.

The New Media

Hillary Clinton statement continued.....

We put our team on full alert to sift through everything from Trump's past to have at-the-ready for smear purposes, but the results were pale as compared to our expectations. Trump did have four legal bankruptcies from the 500+ successful businesses he runs, and he was divorced, and he filed a lot of lawsuits over his career. The problem was that unlike me, Trump's actions were all legal under US Law. Even our best spies couldn't find a skeleton worth exploiting, which was greatly concerning. At least we had Trump and his big mouth to count on and our press people were eagerly ready to twist everything he said to reinforce the fact that he's a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, narcissistic, evil, Russian-loving, demonic, humpty-dumpty looking, leech of a man. I stayed at home and relaxed while we watched Trump draw huge crowds of deplorable white-supremacist, anti-Islamic, idiots to his events. George Soros, one of my oldest friends sent his goons into most rallies to try and draw the Trump supporters into fist fights so we could label them as ultra-violent, but no one really took the bait.

Then we had to deal with the books that were coming out by the wheelbarrow full. It seems as if every Republican author was able to publish a huge collection of lies about me and my husband, and get them on the best seller lists while my book sales were somehow sabotaged. Dick Morris, once a friend of our family, published his best-selling book Armageddon. Also Hillary's America by Dinesh D'Souza, and Crisis of Character by Gary Byrne, a former secret service officer who was assigned to us when we were in the White House. All three of these became best sellers somehow. Then came Clinton Cash:The Untold Story of How and Why Foreign Governments and Businesses Helped Make Bill and Hillary Rich by Peter Schweizer. We couldn't believe a writer would have the guts to tell people about all our illegal activities in our private foundation; the nerve of that guy.

Hillary Clinton falling "up" the stairs.  Her numerous health conditions are being used as her exit strategy to leave the Presidential race and the nation before she's indicted.
Hillary Clinton falling "up" the stairs. Her numerous health conditions are being used as her exit strategy to leave the Presidential race and the nation before she's indicted.

Leaks, Scandals, and More

Hillary Clinton statement continued......

And what seems like a daily occurrence, the Alt-right media started a smear campaign against me using leaked e-mails and my history as their platform. This is clear evidence that the Alt-right media and Donald Trump are Russian plants or spies or somehow influenced by the Russians. Putin wants to fix our elections so I lose, just because I called him out at a meeting years ago. I tried to offer him the standard deal, where he donates to the Clinton Foundation first, then we meet, and then depending on the size of his donation, I would act accordingly. he didn't play ball, so I made the call.

I was just finally getting out from underneath the fake scandal the Republicans dreamed up concerning my personal e-mail server and things began looking better. We took care of FBI Director Comey with some help to get a huge mortgage through our connections so we knew up front he had no intention of pressing the matter. But, in order to keep the Republicans from looking elsewhere for scandals, we let them play this one out for a long time. It gave me time to do damage control until my team could come up with a long string of excuses and people to share the blame with. But before we were fully separated from this scandal, the DNC hack and subsequent fallout emerged to be bigger than either Huma or I thought it would be. We discussed it while in bed one night and decided that we'd get Debbie Wasserman-Schultz to join our team since she had proven her worth by keeping Bernie Sanders from ever being a threat to my nomination. Her replacement is in my hip pocket, which made things nice and easy. Then this Romanian (Russian in my opinion) hacker called Guccifer keeps dropping caches of e-mails from other people and every one seems to be targeting me and my campaign. The wikileaks guy keeps threatening an October surprise, one which I'm certain will be a big nail in my coffin. We've tried to use Clinton-reasoning with him, but he won't budge from his safe house.

No longer ashamed of trying to hide here relationship with long-time aide Huma Abedin, Hillary shared this special moment the two experienced recently.
No longer ashamed of trying to hide here relationship with long-time aide Huma Abedin, Hillary shared this special moment the two experienced recently.

Closing Remarks

Hillary Clinton statement continued....

With daggers coming in from every angle, I've decided to make it official and announce I'm withdrawing. I'm only doing this because I don't want to go to prison or be impeached like my cheating husband. I know President Obama is only supporting me since I promised to preserve his failing Obamacare program. He really doesn't like me and I can't stand him and his wife. Me and Bill fleeced the American taxpayers when we were in office, but the Obama's make us look like amateurs. Look at how much they blow on taxpayer-funded vacations alone. I think everyone, including me, will be happy to see that globalist move on from the White House.

So, with a bit of sadness I am saying farewell. My health crisis has been getting worse over the years and I just can't keep up with Mr. Trump. I'm not looking forward to debating him for fear his attacks on my past would cause a heart attack of a flare up in my seizure disorder. Hopefully, my friends in the media will print their news stories to focus on my highlights after 31 years in public service and not my numerous scandals. They will write about how I courageously tried to meet the physically demanding hours needed to campaign, yet couldn't continue because of failing health. They will talk about my dreams of making America into a progressive utopia and shifting all the wealth from Republican millionaires to Democrat millionaires, most of who donate to my campaign, My legacy will be painted like a Picasso and I'll be able to walk into that last sunset knowing I would have easily beat Trump if I would have been healthier. Especially since he's a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, narcissistic, evil, Russian-loving, demonic, humpty-dumpty looking, leech of a man.

In closing, I'd like to thank George Soros, Cheryl Mills, Terry McAuliffe, Jake Sullivan, Maya Harris, Jim Margolis, Sidney Blumenthal, Robby, Joel, John, and of course my bestie Huma Abedin and the Muslim Brotherhood support she's brought to the group. To all the undocumented Democrats still in the shadows, don't give up the fight. To all the Bernie Sanders supporters who are still hanging out in their hippie communes, now is your time. Tim Kaine, better luck next time. Remember that we need to keep pushing the Progressive/Socialist agenda forward people. Trust in the teachings of great leaders and speakers of the past to guide you; Stalin, Saul Alinsky, Carl Oglesby, Chairman Mao, Ho Chi Minh, Castro, Woodrow Wilson, Sid Rittenberg, and Augusto Pinochet.

On another note, I'll be quietly leaving the country for an 'extended' vacation, in an unnamed country where I'll most likely die before the US Government is able to extract me. Bill and I are going to separate. I only hung on after his impeachment so I could garner political capital and live in the limelight. He spends too much time scouting teenage girls anyway. Thanks for all the donations as they will help me live a life of luxury abroad watching America collapse after the damage Obama has done. I'd say good luck, but you all know it would be a lie. I really hate most everyone in America unless I'm using them for something.

Comments

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  • RJ Schwartz profile image
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    Ralph Schwartz 14 months ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

    Sarge - it's a scary thought at what kind of dirty tricks the administration might try if they see her going down in flames. Unlike Trump, she still has a lot of dirty laundry to come out before the race. Wiki leaks already has promised an October surprise so things can only go further downhill. David Brock has gone so far as to offer cash for dirt on Trump; means they got nothing left to hit him on. He stays on message and his support keeps growing, all the way to the White House.

  • RJ Schwartz profile image
    Author

    Ralph Schwartz 14 months ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

    Rock Artist...after that amazing response you need to upgrade your screen name to Rock Star. Awesome

  • Rock Artist profile image

    Rock Artist 14 months ago

    I agree with RJ, I hope she doesn't drop out in hopes that the Clintons will be defeated once and for all. I realize your sarcasm in saying that I should be ashamed for not voting for a woman and it gave me a giggle. Thank you for that because all of this makes my blood boil, sometimes too much I must admit. In regard to Mr. Trump, I really feel that maybe this country should have someone in the White House that isn't a politician already, that doesn't need or want other people's money that will make him do things he shouldn't do and say things he shouldn't say, a person that has a sincere desire to want to make this country stronger and more honorable (sure he's lied too, everyone of us does, he is not by any means 'perfect' but at least he didn't lie to the entire country about many, many, many things for his own PERSONAL gains), and I also think that it's about time that we had a tough talking President that isn't necessarily the nicest person, sorry but that's how I feel. I want a leader that is smart, strong, intelligent and able to negotiate with others. I want a President that doesn't have to hide from his wrongdoings and unethical morals from the public. When Trump gets hit with a negative charge, he comes out to the media and flat out denies it didn't happen and none of the allegations stick, whether or not there is truth to the accusations remains to be seen. I give him benefit of the doubt here. When Hillary gets charged with unethical conduct, she and her staff start spinning a web of lies that snowball, one after another. She can't seem to tell the truth about her health problems either as witnessed by her heat induced collapse, that turned into residual effects from sinus surgery, which turned into apparently catching pneumonia from her staff members who also had pneumonia, which turned into a body double seen leaving her daughter's apartment less than two hours after collapsing 'on camera' - on camera, yes on camera (there - I said it three times, yes I did) saying that she "feels great!". It seems that Hillary does not have any credibility with anyone. She is not even liked by her own party or supporters. I know because I tried to find someone on a YouTube video interview that was voting for her because of her policies and experience and everyone interviewed that I could find said the only reason they were voting for her was because she was a woman. Really? Really??? No one seems to be able to trust anything that comes out of her mouth. How can you be President of a country of 319 million people and have no one trust you or like you for that matter? Even if she wins, no one respects her (if you do, let me know, and I'm sorry for saying that - I should say no one 'seems' to respect her), she hasn't done anything good of any importance that I know about (if you can think of anything, let me know). I realize her dream was to be the first woman president. I hope that some day this country will see a woman president, I hope it's not her, because she is and has been dishonorable and untrustworthy. If you don't have anything to hide, then you don't have to destroy 14 cellphones and use bleach to hide your corrupt emails so that even God can't find them. I like to think I'm open to learning about all the candidates, I have looked into the claims against Mr. Trump and even looked at Gary Johnson as a possible choice. All I ask is that people not be ignorant in selecting Hillary for the White House, look at her record, look at the policies and career of this woman and take all in - if after that you feel that she's a good leader, then by all means I hope you feel confident in voting for her.

  • Sgt Prepper profile image

    Gunny Cracker 14 months ago from Elkhorn, WI

    HRC will not go away quietly. If she cannot fraudulently win the election BHO will resign or leave office suddenly so Shotgun Joe can be prez. Then, lo & behold, we will get our very first female vice-president appointed. The global-elite owe her for not pressing the birther-issue she started and for taking out gay, Chicagoan, Ambassador Chris Stevens who used to 'hang out' at Man's Country with Bathhouse Barry Soetoro(BHO).

  • RJ Schwartz profile image
    Author

    Ralph Schwartz 14 months ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

    I don't want her to drop out personally - the only way the Clinton link gets broken is with a defeat in an election. She'll be done if that happens and she'll fade away or maybe go to prison. The Clintons had their moment but it's past. My opinion of course

  • Dont Taze Me Bro profile image

    Banned cause of pissants promisem and deantraylor 14 months ago from TWO OF THE MANY LYING LIB CRYBABIES OF HUB PAGES

    Rock Artist, you hit that nail right on the head...and drove it through the board! But the democrats would say to you shame on you, a woman, you should be voting for Hillary just because she is a woman despite her corruption.

  • Rock Artist profile image

    Rock Artist 14 months ago

    Wish she would drop out!!! Nixon didn't do anything nearly as bad as this witch and the country fired him as soon as he was found out. It's scary to me that the political party currently in power is so corrupt that they have to let this nasty, evil, condescending, deceitful, controlling, power-hungry, venomous "woman" run for president. She has an apathy for America and the citizens of THIS country that is so apparent it's astounding to me that she should even be allowed to run.

  • TessSchlesinger profile image

    Tessa Schlesinger 14 months ago from South Africa

    Excellent piece of satire. If I had the interest, I would write in the same vein about Trump, but I'm rather looking forward to the realization by Trump's adoring masses that he is simply going to line his own pockets and that of his fellow billionaires while most Americans grow more and more poor. :)

  • RJ Schwartz profile image
    Author

    Ralph Schwartz 14 months ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

    Very observant with the "deplorable" call-out. If I tried to incorporate all of her rottenness, this would have been about 800 pages long....ha ha ha ha

  • Sgt Prepper profile image

    Gunny Cracker 14 months ago from Elkhorn, WI

    Truth IS stranger than fiction so this scenario is VERY believable. Thanks for spelling it all out so succinctly. You didn't mention HRC's recent accomplishment of coining a new noun i.e. "deplorables" which is a basket I'm proud to be in.

  • profile image

    Saddlescamp 14 months ago

    Hahahaha, this is really exciting to read. One can only hope that she would just get out and then stay out of site. So tired of hearing about the scandal ridden clintons, eeeyyyuuuck!!!!! Thanks soapboxie for the entertainment..!!!

  • Dont Taze Me Bro profile image

    Banned cause of pissants promisem and deantraylor 14 months ago from TWO OF THE MANY LYING LIB CRYBABIES OF HUB PAGES

    Like you Ralph, Americans need to have America's back, not Hillary's. Do that and America will be great again. Keep up telling them the truth.

  • RJ Schwartz profile image
    Author

    Ralph Schwartz 14 months ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

    DTMB - thanks for having my back - with so many Hillary zealots shilling for her, we need to keep up the constant battle of truth sharing

  • RJ Schwartz profile image
    Author

    Ralph Schwartz 14 months ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

    Paula - I decided to stop writing my Liberal Newsletters and try something a bit more fun - glad you enjoyed it, now how to make it true......hmmmmm

  • Dont Taze Me Bro profile image

    Banned cause of pissants promisem and deantraylor 14 months ago from TWO OF THE MANY LYING LIB CRYBABIES OF HUB PAGES

    peoplepower73 you just described our current president and you are right, we would rather not have him.

    You need to study up my boy if you think the only Lie Hillary has been caught at is the helicopter lie. Try the video for Benghazi, lied for weeks after even to the families. How about the vast right wing conspiracy - Monica proved that a lie with Willie's semen. Hillary lied to congress, the list goes on and on of her KNOWN lies. Where do you live? Under a rock? Most of America doesn't trust her, why? Because of her known lies, many lies.

    https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=hilla...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dY77j6uBHI

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlmAQXCYSXk

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8FtqzdiYFU

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMtl6-lpb-Y

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 14 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    SON-OF-A-BEACH!! Ralph Schwartz, you imaginative fool! I nearly passed out ....my heart almost jumped into my throat! It took at least 2 minutes before I realized you were punking your readers!

    It's good...really good, even though I could just give you a bump on the noggin for such a prank! Wow....You honestly raised my blood pressure.

    Now go ahead and pat yourself on the back. BTW, Do you write for the National Enquirer???

  • peoplepower73 profile image

    Mike Russo 14 months ago from Placentia California

    Would you rather have someone for president who lies every time he opens his mouth and it is recorded for all the world to see and hear or someone who has been accused of lying, but all the investigations and all the king's men have not been able to prove?

    She has lied about one thing and that is the time she was under fire in a helicopter in the mid-east. But there was evidence to prove it. The rest are just accusations. There is no hard evidence. Your hub is just wishful thinking. You have a great imagination.

  • colorfulone profile image

    Susie Lehto 14 months ago from Minnesota

    Creative writing RJ. There are miles to go yet, and I don't think Hillary is going to make it. I wait for the October Surprise!

  • Ken Burgess profile image

    Ken Burgess 14 months ago from Florida

    The truth is she would never quit, she knows she has the election in the bag... Trump could (and likely will) get more than 60% of the vote... it wouldn't matter if he got 80%... the fix is in... the politicians, the establishment, the powers that truly matter will not allow anyone they consider a threat to become President.

  • RJ Schwartz profile image
    Author

    Ralph Schwartz 14 months ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

    Gregas - yes, it is a tongue in cheek look at the many failures of Hillary Clinton. Too bad she won't do the right thing and drop out of the race. I guess watching Trump crush her in the general election will be compensation to all of America

  • Dont Taze Me Bro profile image

    Banned cause of pissants promisem and deantraylor 14 months ago from TWO OF THE MANY LYING LIB CRYBABIES OF HUB PAGES

    lol Not a work of fiction, but a prophetic peek at a better future.

  • gregas profile image

    Greg Schweizer 14 months ago from Corona, California.

    Ralph, unfortunately this is a work of fiction.

  • Dont Taze Me Bro profile image

    Banned cause of pissants promisem and deantraylor 14 months ago from TWO OF THE MANY LYING LIB CRYBABIES OF HUB PAGES

    Looks like you have to subscribe to read that article.

    "our political system is the reason why our economy is doing so bad" or is Barack Obama's policies really the reason?

  • RJ Schwartz profile image
    Author

    Ralph Schwartz 14 months ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

    Thanks Jack - you are correct, things in American politics aren't trending too well. Did you hear about the latest Harvard University study stating how our political system is the reason why our economy is doing so bad - http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/3e3d9776-7ac3-11e6-ae24-...

  • jackclee lm profile image

    Jack Lee 14 months ago from Yorktown NY

    Ralph, Very funny but true. How sad is American politics... I wish her the best. You need to reclassify this hub under fiction or you might be banned for false information.

    Hillary is staying in the race come Hell or high water...