How NOT to Get Invited to Any More Damn Weddings!

Sure. I know how it is. You don't have to tell me. It's the start of the wedding season. Tra-la-la. This is the time when you are invited to a wedding nearly every weekend, and the furious pace will continue through June and not end until Octobre. You can understand perfectly why you are invited to so many weddings. People like you. They really like you. You're classy and debonair. Your conversation is scintillating. Your humor delights the most discerning listener. Right? Wrong. People don't like you and the betrothed don't either. Nobody does. They want your money, that's all, so get over your bad self. They want their “booty” and the more of it there is, the better, and your 50 to 100 bucks is as good as anybody else's. They don't care if you have to put your dear old granny in the pawn shop to get it, so long as they get theirs.

I'm going to help you out. I'm going to share my secrets how you, like me, can shake the “wedding guest” curse forever. It isn't hard. It just takes a little fortitude, that's all. A little stick-to-it-ness. Follow my advice and you will never be invited to another wedding. Ever.

It's never too early to activate your plan. RSVP is an acronym for the French phrase, Répondez S'il Vous Plaît, but in English it stands for ReSerVation Protocol or Respond Very Promptly. Don't. Your invitation will say something like RSVP by March 30^th. Wait until March 27^th, then write on the invitation:

Looking forward to a lovely evening! By the way, I am lactose intolerant, allergic to shellfish, peanuts, and I don't eat broccoli, brussel sprouts, carrots, or greens of any kind. Will there be something for me to eat, or should I brown-bag it? By the way, I suffer from narcolepsey and tourettes so someone will need to keep an eye on me. And an ear. Ha!

You're not even there yet and already you're a pain in the butt. Good job!

This is a great place to get a bad reputation as somebody who should never have anything to do with weddings. If you are not invited to the Bachelor Party, invite yourself. Call up the groom and say, “So, where are we going for the Bachelor party?" If he balks at your participation in this ritual, find out where he is going and show up anyway. If you know the nationality of the groom, great, but if you don't know, Google “What nationality is the name (blank).” When you find out his nationality, tell the groom at the party that it is (his nationality) custom for the groom to drink 20 shots before the wedding. Make sure he gets good and “snonckered.” Sick to his stomach looped on booze.

Also carry a small spray bottle of perfume and make sure he smells like a French cathouse when he goes home. Women can smell another woman's perfume days later, so this will create an indelible image in her mind. Slip a few notes and telephone numbers in his pockets, too. The groom will naturally blame his condition and smell on someone, and that someone is you. Make sure he knows who is buying the drinks, because this information will spread like wildfire among the female wedding network. You will be known as a person to keep away from their prospective husbands.

If you have managed to make it this far...sorry about that. Now is when you really have to put your nose to the grindstone to insure this outrage never happens again. Many of your future wedding “invitors” will be in attendance so you'll want to put on a really good show. Again, your reputation as a wedding guest can be won or lost here in the final stretch. Insure your reputation will be a bad one.

First up is the ceremony itself. You can get things off to a good start by wearing jeans with holes in the knees and sandals. Nobody wants to see a man's feet ever...not even at the beach. Also, don't bathe for at least two days prior to the cursed event. A little B.O. goes a long, long way.

Finally, when they get to the part about “if anyone objects, let them speak now or forever hold their peace,” by all means, speak now. Object. This will shock and horrify everybody. When asked to explain yourself, simply say, “You know....” You'll be asked for a more specific answer. Your response is, “She gave me crabs!” As soon as several people have fainted and the exclamations begin to wane, add, “...just last week!” In all probability, you will be escorted out of the building—perhaps roughly—at this time. After all, they already have your gift. What do they need you for?

If by some miracle you still find yourself in attendance at the reception, you'll have to keep up your act. That'll show them to invite you to their damn wedding! You don't really want to get drunk because you want to keep your wits about you (and somebody is already planning on beating the crap out of you.) You just want to act drunk. Very, very drunk, and here are some of the things you can do to seal the deal.

• First off, plan your escape route. When you leave, it's going to be in a hurry, most likely with a group of large men coming after you. Choose a circuitous route and an emergency exit. Don't worry about alarms sounding. You may very well want for the fire department to show up.
• Eat several pieces of cake before the bride and groom cut into it and do that “feeding it to each other” nonsense. For multi-level cakes, take a healthy slice from each section.
• Dance with all the old ladies, vigorously. Spin them around. Dip them. Twirl them. The objective is to give someone a serious heart attack.
• Proposition the bride's mother. Say, “Hi there, hot stuff. Whatta you say you and I step outside and do it like monkeys next to the dumpsters, hmmm?” If this line is delivered correctly, her dentures will fall out.
• In the reception line, when you get up to the bride, grab her roughly, dip her, and plant a big wet one on her, sticking your tongue deep down into her throat. Don't stop until they drag you off of her. Now is when your exit strategy comes in handy. Implement it now. Get out and get out quickly.

Now that you're at home and you've put this silliness behind you forever, your work is done. Except your previous efforts have not quite finished. There is still the matter of the gift you have given to the bride and groom. It is customary for them to open all the presents with many others in attendance after the wedding, perhaps in a day or two, or perhaps a week or two after they have returned from their honeymoon.

If you were serious about being excluded from all weddings till death do you depart—and you should be—you have given the bride and groom the perfect gift. That is, perfect to firmly plant your name in the annals of the “wedding guest from hell” for all time. Imagine the brides happy face as she opens this gift of Waterford and that gift of Portmieron China, when finally they get to your thoughtful gift. The brides face turns sour and slowly morphs into a look of horror. Could it be? No. Could you have possibly given them an...an...an old used copy of Hustler magazine? Yes! You would, you could, you did! And it's all gooey and the pages are stuck together! The bride and several guests will make a mad dash for the restroom, but alas, many won't make it, and their effluent will be all over floors, carpets, oriental rugs, walls, and even the other gifts.

You have done it, my friend. Every witness to your creativity will tell others, and on and on, until the whole world knows to never, ever invite you to a wedding. Never again will you have to endure one of these “look at us, aren't we happy and stupid and were going to be happy and stupid together for the rest of our lives” torture sessions. And think of the money you'll save. Literally thousands of dollars stays where it belongs...in your pocket.

So buck up. Don't get depressed just because wedding season is just around the corner. There's only one more wedding you have to go to, and that's the next one. The sweet little love birds will never know what hit them. I now pronounce you Man and a Plan. Amen.

If you don't know the bride and groom well, and they are not likely to know whether you are still in town or not, this method may work for you, enabling you to avoid a wedding without going to all the aforementioned trouble. Simply tell them that you now live in Africa saving the antelope. They wont believe you, of course, so show them this video detailing your animal rescue efforts.