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How NOT to Get Invited to Any More Damn Weddings!

Updated on July 18, 2011
ronsho / flickr
ronsho / flickr

Another Wedding Invitation

Sure. I know how it is. You don't have to tell me. It's the start of the wedding season. Tra-la-la. This is the time when you are invited to a wedding nearly every weekend, and the furious pace will continue through June and not end until Octobre. You can understand perfectly why you are invited to so many weddings. People like you. They really like you. You're classy and debonair. Your conversation is scintillating. Your humor delights the most discerning listener. Right? Wrong. People don't like you and the betrothed don't either. Nobody does. They want your money, that's all, so get over your bad self. They want their “booty” and the more of it there is, the better, and your 50 to 100 bucks is as good as anybody else's. They don't care if you have to put your dear old granny in the pawn shop to get it, so long as they get theirs.

I'm going to help you out. I'm going to share my secrets how you, like me, can shake the “wedding guest” curse forever. It isn't hard. It just takes a little fortitude, that's all. A little stick-to-it-ness. Follow my advice and you will never be invited to another wedding. Ever.

R.S.V.P.

It's never too early to activate your plan. RSVP is an acronym for the French phrase, Répondez S'il Vous Plaît, but in English it stands for ReSerVation Protocol or Respond Very Promptly. Don't. Your invitation will say something like RSVP by March 30th. Wait until March 27th, then write on the invitation:

Looking forward to a lovely evening! By the way, I am lactose intolerant, allergic to shellfish, peanuts, and I don't eat broccoli, brussel sprouts, carrots, or greens of any kind. Will there be something for me to eat, or should I brown-bag it? By the way, I suffer from narcolepsey and tourettes so someone will need to keep an eye on me. And an ear. Ha!

You're not even there yet and already you're a pain in the butt. Good job!

The Bachelor Party

This is a great place to get a bad reputation as somebody who should never have anything to do with weddings. If you are not invited to the Bachelor Party, invite yourself. Call up the groom and say, “So, where are we going for the Bachelor party?" If he balks at your participation in this ritual, find out where he is going and show up anyway. If you know the nationality of the groom, great, but if you don't know, Google “What nationality is the name (blank).” When you find out his nationality, tell the groom at the party that it is (his nationality) custom for the groom to drink 20 shots before the wedding. Make sure he gets good and “snonckered.” Sick to his stomach looped on booze.

Also carry a small spray bottle of perfume and make sure he smells like a French cathouse when he goes home. Women can smell another woman's perfume days later, so this will create an indelible image in her mind. Slip a few notes and telephone numbers in his pockets, too. The groom will naturally blame his condition and smell on someone, and that someone is you. Make sure he knows who is buying the drinks, because this information will spread like wildfire among the female wedding network. You will be known as a person to keep away from their prospective husbands.

The Wedding Ceremony

If you have managed to make it this far...sorry about that. Now is when you really have to put your nose to the grindstone to insure this outrage never happens again. Many of your future wedding “invitors” will be in attendance so you'll want to put on a really good show. Again, your reputation as a wedding guest can be won or lost here in the final stretch. Insure your reputation will be a bad one.

First up is the ceremony itself. You can get things off to a good start by wearing jeans with holes in the knees and sandals. Nobody wants to see a man's feet ever...not even at the beach. Also, don't bathe for at least two days prior to the cursed event. A little B.O. goes a long, long way.

Finally, when they get to the part about “if anyone objects, let them speak now or forever hold their peace,” by all means, speak now. Object. This will shock and horrify everybody. When asked to explain yourself, simply say, “You know....” You'll be asked for a more specific answer. Your response is, “She gave me crabs!” As soon as several people have fainted and the exclamations begin to wane, add, “...just last week!” In all probability, you will be escorted out of the building—perhaps roughly—at this time. After all, they already have your gift. What do they need you for?

Stick you tongue down bride's throat.
Stick you tongue down bride's throat.
waltermonkey / flickr
waltermonkey / flickr
With any luck, bride's father goes to jail.
With any luck, bride's father goes to jail.

The Wedding Reception

If by some miracle you still find yourself in attendance at the reception, you'll have to keep up your act. That'll show them to invite you to their damn wedding! You don't really want to get drunk because you want to keep your wits about you (and somebody is already planning on beating the crap out of you.) You just want to act drunk. Very, very drunk, and here are some of the things you can do to seal the deal.

  • First off, plan your escape route. When you leave, it's going to be in a hurry, most likely with a group of large men coming after you. Choose a circuitous route and an emergency exit. Don't worry about alarms sounding. You may very well want for the fire department to show up.
  • Eat several pieces of cake before the bride and groom cut into it and do that “feeding it to each other” nonsense. For multi-level cakes, take a healthy slice from each section.
  • Dance with all the old ladies, vigorously. Spin them around. Dip them. Twirl them. The objective is to give someone a serious heart attack.
  • Proposition the bride's mother. Say, “Hi there, hot stuff. Whatta you say you and I step outside and do it like monkeys next to the dumpsters, hmmm?” If this line is delivered correctly, her dentures will fall out.
  • In the reception line, when you get up to the bride, grab her roughly, dip her, and plant a big wet one on her, sticking your tongue deep down into her throat. Don't stop until they drag you off of her. Now is when your exit strategy comes in handy. Implement it now. Get out and get out quickly.


Opening Wedding Gifts

Now that you're at home and you've put this silliness behind you forever, your work is done. Except your previous efforts have not quite finished. There is still the matter of the gift you have given to the bride and groom. It is customary for them to open all the presents with many others in attendance after the wedding, perhaps in a day or two, or perhaps a week or two after they have returned from their honeymoon.

If you were serious about being excluded from all weddings till death do you depart—and you should be—you have given the bride and groom the perfect gift. That is, perfect to firmly plant your name in the annals of the “wedding guest from hell” for all time. Imagine the brides happy face as she opens this gift of Waterford and that gift of Portmieron China, when finally they get to your thoughtful gift. The brides face turns sour and slowly morphs into a look of horror. Could it be? No. Could you have possibly given them an...an...an old used copy of Hustler magazine? Yes! You would, you could, you did! And it's all gooey and the pages are stuck together! The bride and several guests will make a mad dash for the restroom, but alas, many won't make it, and their effluent will be all over floors, carpets, oriental rugs, walls, and even the other gifts.

Everyone was happy until you showed up.
Everyone was happy until you showed up.

Your Work is Done

You have done it, my friend. Every witness to your creativity will tell others, and on and on, until the whole world knows to never, ever invite you to a wedding. Never again will you have to endure one of these “look at us, aren't we happy and stupid and were going to be happy and stupid together for the rest of our lives” torture sessions. And think of the money you'll save. Literally thousands of dollars stays where it belongs...in your pocket.

So buck up. Don't get depressed just because wedding season is just around the corner. There's only one more wedding you have to go to, and that's the next one. The sweet little love birds will never know what hit them. I now pronounce you Man and a Plan. Amen.

Bonus Excuse

If you don't know the bride and groom well, and they are not likely to know whether you are still in town or not, this method may work for you, enabling you to avoid a wedding without going to all the aforementioned trouble. Simply tell them that you now live in Africa saving the antelope. They wont believe you, of course, so show them this video detailing your animal rescue efforts.

Video of You Saving Antelope in Africa

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    • Forbestnow profile image

      Huu Phuoc Nguyen 2 years ago from Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

      HubPages is the go-to place to create original...

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Joshing- Ah, you are a natural, Joshing. Some people are born with the gift. You might consider giving lessons on developing ones inherent Napoleon complex. It can by extremely useful for extracting oneself from a variety of social invitations.

    • Joshing profile image

      Joshing 6 years ago from You, I Am

      This is great. But, luckily for me, a few open bars and my bristly Napoleon complex has naturally cut my wedding invites down to those who have no idea what they are getting themselves into!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Yes, it is lurking in there, and sometimes it jumps out from behind a dark corner and frightens me!

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Chris, just another example of the proof that you were put on this planet to make me laugh like a naughty schoolboy. Brilliant writing, my friend, I cannot believe where in your deranged little mind all this is lurking, but lurk it does, and when it shows itself to the world it does it in spades.

      You are the absolute master of the written word.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      A.C. Well, this is out of my territory but you could give a box of used condoms or diaphragm. Or you could just have your hubby do it, or you could take me to the wedding and I could do it. Mine was pretty cool too, very small ceremony, big reception with a 20 piece orchestra and ballroom dancing lessons. Just fun.

    • ACSutliff profile image

      ACSutliff 6 years ago

      Christoph,

      This is marvelous from beginning to end, very difficult for me to pick my favorite evil act, but I must say the wedding gift was particularly devious. Of course, I can't really do that. Can you think of an alternative present for us females who would like to never be invited to another wedding? I keep comparing all of the weddings I have to sit through to my own wedding and it's just torturous! They all suck compared to mine! HAHA!

      This is truly hilarious from beginning to end. Thank you for the laugh!!

      ~AC

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      TruthAwake: You are too kind and two thumbs up is very generous! Glad you enjoyed it and took the time to leave such a flattering comment! Thanks!

    • TruthAwake profile image

      TruthAwake 7 years ago from The Dirty South

      Holy JESUS! You're in much luck that i'm alive to leave you this comment right now, considering i was dangerously inches from death by laughter. (I was that close.) Two thumbs up...I would give you more but I only have two thumbs! Sheer brilliance.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      ahostagesituation: Ha, ha! That's a perfect name for your subject!

    • ahostagesituation profile image

      SJ 7 years ago

      LOL! That's actually how I came up with the name a hostage situation. It came from a discussion about marriage. I'm writing about it.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      ahostagesituation: Say, your name gives me a whole new idea on how to avoid weddings. Thank you very much for your comment.

    • ahostagesituation profile image

      SJ 7 years ago

      Fabulous writing, and great advice!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Anath: Probably, the bride's to be are worried their fiancées will run off with you to...wherever those people run off too. Thank you for the comment!

    • Anath profile image

      Anath 7 years ago

      I never get invited to weddings... I suppose I should be thankful for that!

      Hilarious hub BTW.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      trimar: This is a very interesting problem, and presents unique difficulties. You may have to fall back on the old standards; feigning illness (you'll want to induce some vomiting) or perhaps you win an all-expense paid trip to somewhere that very weekend. Then you go stay at a local hotel and download pictures as though you took them. Good luck!

    • trimar7 profile image

      trimar7 8 years ago from New York

      Any advice on how to get out of a family wedding?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Well, then you will have to move on to the plan, of course. The plan, man, the plan!

    • Constant Walker profile image

      Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

      Yeah, but ... what if the guy in the video doesn't look anything like me?

      THEN WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Yeah. Definitely stick with the BBQ. That sounds like fun.

    • MellasViews profile image

      MellasViews 8 years ago from Earth

      Lordie lord... I will pass on such an event then... however... if I do the BBQ in the backyard thing, maybe the cash out would be worth it. hehe. My realitives are all piss poor though, so I doubt Id bank much. hehe.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      They are really quite expensive.  Ridiculously so.

    • MellasViews profile image

      MellasViews 8 years ago from Earth

      lol.... all that money for a 6 hour event that nearly 99% of all the guests attending hate! lol.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Mella: Hey, I can identify. The Mrs. and I wanted to go to Vegas and get married at the Elvis chapel just for grins, then take the money which would have been wasted and use it for something good. Her mom put the kabosh on that, saying, "No wedding, no money." We was shanghaied!

    • MellasViews profile image

      MellasViews 8 years ago from Earth

      lol this had me laughing till I teared up. I also hate weddings. I mostly though hate when an 'aquaintance' includes me as one of their bridesmaids.... its like... damn bitch I knew you were a fukin loser, but really!?!?!? ME?!?! We barely know one another.

      I hate weddings.. mostly the big over the top bullcrap.... every princess wedding I have ever gone to has ended in divorce. lol.

      Tis why when I get married Im doing a friggin low key BBQ in the backyard. Hell with the swan shaped butter, and angel ice sculptures!!!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Glad you enjoyed it, Misty.  My best friend, at his wedding, passed out on the alter and wiped out the little ring bearer too...and he doesn't even drink!  Thanks for reading!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Sooo funny and brilliant Christoph, loved it. Reminds me of the only time I have ever fainted, which just happened to be when I was at a wedding reception as my friend's "plus one". She was chatting to the groom, I was standing next to her, when my legs just caved in as I clutched frantically for her shoulder. Before I knew it her and the groom were dragging me out of the room with the toes of my shoes trailing along the floor. People were saying "She's had a few too many" etc, when I hadn't even had a drink yet!

      When I finally came round the Priest was with me, and he said, "Don't worry, I am only here to give you the last rites".

      Really embarrassing.

      By the way, I hate men's feet too, actually all feet, male or female.

      Anyway, loved the hub :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Thanks, gwendymom! Thanks for noticing! Ha!

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Congrats CR on your score, I just noticed it too! Woo Hoo!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      C.C. Thanks. Yeah, it pops up there every once in a while. I'm sure it will go back down soon. It always does. Thanks again.

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Chris, did you see your hubscore at 100?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Hi, Gwendy: Thanks for stopping by. Glad you thought it was funny. If you'd like to see the plan in action, just let me know when your family is having their next wedding and make sure I get invited. I'll be happy to demonstrate.

      Hope your day is going well. Thank you for your always appreciated comment!

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      LMAO. This is brilliant, horrible, and more brilliant. I am not sure if I should nod my head in disgust at your antics or laugh my ass off. I choose the laughing my ass off. I really would like to see this plan in action. Too funny!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      JamaGenee: That story is hilarious!

      When I was a DJ, I worked two weddings for "aquaintances". They were both stripper weddings (don't ask) and one was the greatest wedding ever! A huge fight broke out (over strippers, of course) with about 30 people in it...girls too. It was funny to see women in their tacky bridesmaids outfits right in the middle of the fray, kicking, slapping, punching with the best of them. The whole group moved like a giant amoeba across the room, knocking tables, chairs, food, glasses out of their way until - being stopped by the wall - they switched directions and began coming directly at me. I looked down at all my equipment figuring I could save one thing...what would it be? I grabbed my 8 track mixer/recorder and got out of the way. Sure enough, they hit my table and stuff went flying everywhere. The speakers were ripped out and CD's went airborn. At least half of their cases were broken. The bride was coiled up against the wall next to me, screaming and crying, "It's my f-ing wedding! It's my f-ing wedding!" Ahhh....good times. They aren't together anymore either.

      Thanks for coming by and the great story!

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 8 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Christoph, your tips would NOT keep you from being invited to weddings where I come from.  In fact, you'd be #1 on the invite list!  We liked guests who'd make weddings *memorable*!  The more memorable the better!

      Hot Dorkage, I once attended a wedding - yes, in Kansas - where ALL of the music was from a Greatest Hits tape the couple liked, and apparently the tape player didn't have a "forward" button because we sat through 20 minutes of the groom standing at the front of the church saying "Nope, that's not it" songs before it got to the walk-down-the-aisle song.  Never occurred to these yahoos to have anybody pre-play the tape through to THE song *before* the ceremony.  The rest of the wedding went like that too, and no one is the least surprise the couple aren't married anymore. 

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Stephhicks: If they invite me, it wil be a unique wedding, I promise! Thanks for coming by and the comment! I appreciate it.

    • stephhicks68 profile image

      Stephanie Hicks 8 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      My wedding was one of the most surreal experiences of my entire life (yes, I'm still married). I totally get what you are saying. Weddings are such a strange tradition. I now avoid them when I can - unless the bride or groom is super close to me and its a really unique ceremony.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      2 Patricias: Yes, I did that thing where I pushed through everybody and ate all the good stuff. It was just last year though.

      Are you sure Pat didn't just want 2 extra glasses of champagne?

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a comment!

    • 2patricias profile image

      2patricias 8 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

      Fear not: neither of us will invite you to our weddings. Mainly because we think we will stick with our current Wonderful Husbands for a bit longer. Actually, neither of us attended the other's wedding. We didn't know each other, as we were both child brides.

      Mostly, we have been well behaved at weddings. There was one where Pat's son pushed through the reception line and ate all the best food off the buffet (he was very young at the time.) There was also the occasion where Pat went to the wrong wedding reception (by mistake) and downed 2 glasses of champagne before proceeding to the correct reception.

      Thanks for another funny hub.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Ardie: So sorry to have jinxed you. Explain to your husband that you have a "master plan," and attending the bachelorette party is an absolute neccessity. Thanks for stopping by!

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 8 years ago from Neverland

      Oooh, not nice to boot you like that! The least that could have been done was to reimbuse you for everything. Not even an "Im sorry", huh?

      I had to stop back by again to let you know that reading your hub jinxed me. I was feeling pretty confident that I didn't know anyone even close to getting married right now. I thought I had this wedding season off. THEN, I got the invite in the mail yesterday! My husband insisted that I absolutely cannot attend the bachelor party when I mentioned it to him :D

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I know. I take pride in it too. If people don't notice...then I tell them. Ha!

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 8 years ago from australia

      Yes Christoph I have always known I am not normal haha and I just love it.When people tell me I am a little eccentric,I smile and agree.I say "thankyou that shows I am unique".

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Shalini: There are other factors than just the gift, but still, your invitation does indeed sound enlightened and generous! I would gladly attend your wedding, gift or no! Thanks for visiting!

      C.C. Riter: Can you cover me on the air fare? I'll gladly repay you on Tuesday.

      Trish: Thanks for coming by. Glad you were entertained. Thanks.

      Ardie: Yes, the "bachelor party" gambit can work in a variety of situations, and there is no reason why it wont work for you. Should you need any one on one instruction, I would be happy to oblige.

      I forgot all about being asked to be in the wedding. One of my earliest experiences was my friend asked me to be in his wedding - 3rd groomsman behind his brothers - so I rented a tux, flew to Ohio, got a nice hotel room, etc. At the first rehearsal, one of the bridesmaids had begged off due to illness, and because I would make the visual "uneven," the reverend (or whatever he was) kicked me out of the ceremony...rather unceremoniously. And my friends the bride and groom said not a word. I came very close to getting in a cab and just dissappearing. Is it any wonder I hate weddings?

      Thanks for the comment, Ardie!

      Shelly McRae: Well that how I feel about you! Thank you for coming by and the lovely comment!

    • Shelly McRae profile image

      Shelly McRae 8 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Fabulous! Absolutely fabulous!

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 8 years ago from Neverland

      Ha! Another funny read :) I especially enjoyed it because I am always asked to be in weddings and I personally hate going to them! And yes, the season is fast approaching... Next time Im invited to one, I'll surely have to use the bachelor party routine. I think it'll work even more so in a female's case :D

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      This only reinforces my staying single :)

      I've seen way too many folks 'blotto', and it's not pretty.

      As always, a very entertaining read, thanks!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      I'm going to India!

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 8 years ago from India

      Christoph - I'm laughing - you turn something like a wedding upside down with such stylish sarcasm. On a serious note - come to India. As a family, we stamp a 'No Gifts Please' at the bottom of the wedding invitation. So all you do is come and eat, drink and be merry for 5 days - good, no? :D

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Randy Behavior: Ok. Just trying to take a different look at the topic.

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      Free booze, live band, decent food. Weddings are a great cheap date. What's not to like?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      blondepoet: Darn. And I was waiting for you in the kitchen. As for your being not normal, hey, I didn't get married until I was 40. Same for my wife. So not being married hardly qualifies you as "not being normal." As for other things, I can't speak to that since you haven't told me. And normal is not necessarily a bad thing. I consider myself "not normal."

      Thank you for your kind words about my writing. It means a lot to me. Thanks!

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 8 years ago from australia

      Good afternoon Christoph, you are looking as wonderful as ever.Nice shirt.You are holding up well for a man nearly murdered,and flung around in the kitchen at Benson's party.I was about to join in, in the kitchen but as I arrived it finished. Damn these Australain time zone differences.

      Another great story you seem to have a lot of experience in these matters hahah.Weddings..mmm...well I have never had one of these. I don't know whether I ever will. No I am not a lesbian, it is hereditary in my family, but I came out not normal, but not gay either(although I......haha listen to me how did I get from your story to the subject of my sexuality...waffle waffle...Now I dont remember what I was going to tell you next...(the drums fade out,the curtains close)

      Anyway another super, great story to be expected from someone like yourself, if I ever have a wedding,it will be everyone invited, freedom of speech,byo and I shall sing 'Cabaret', as a finale before my departure.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Some of those sexy one's should be mandatory for the bridesmaids. Then I wouldn't try to get out of weddings!

      tony: I don't know, but it's an interesting thought and one worth pursuing. I think you should give it a shot and get back to me.

      LelahKimball. I think you may have taken the wrong turn back at the "satire" sign. If you like them, that's fine. Glad you enjoy yourself. I'll send you some of my invitations so you can fill in for me.

      Thanks for the comment!

    • LelahKimball profile image

      LelahKimball 8 years ago from USA

      I love weddings. Free dinner. Free drinks. Don't know 90% of the people there and can don't need to worry about anything. And what people have to say about the bride can be down right funny. Trust me, I get my wedding present's money worth.

    • tony0724 profile image

      tony0724 8 years ago from san diego calif

      Chris I need your feedback . Is there any chance I can hire someone to do the dirty work for me so I can drink ? I am hoping to be guilty and loathed by association . And I tend to be obnoxious anyway .

    • Proud Mom profile image

      Proud Mom 8 years ago from USA

      Christoph--you might want to rethink this after viewing some of the gowns princessa found in her hub about unusual dresses.....

      https://hubpages.com/style/Unusual--unique-and-fun...

      How most of these are held up is BEYOND me!!!!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      C.C. Riter: Thanks for reading and the comment! Africa's not so bad. I hear there good hunting and you can see rhinocerous horn and elephant tusks for lots of dough! Just stay away form the eboli and you'll be fine.

      Dottie: Remind me to stay on your good side, especially if we attend the same wedding or go out drinking.

    • Dottie1 profile image

      Dottie1 8 years ago from MA, USA

      Well Christoph, I can't deny it, apparently I'm prone while under the influence or while attending a Wedding. Then again, maybe it's just my way of saying Hello!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      CR, that was great. Funny video too. If I followed your advice though I'd have to move to Africa.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Dottie: I'm convinced. Tell me...are you prone to fisticuffs?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Cris A: That's the spirit. You could get a reputation as the quintessential freeloader. Sometimes, that is enough to get you black listed. Princessa: An excellent suggestion, and one all the men at the wedding will enjoy, which will make the bride and all the future brides-to-be green and sure to add you to the list of "Do NOT invite" people. Oddly enough, this strategy works well for men too, but it's difficult to pull off. Can I borrow a dress. Say, a stretchy one?

      P.S. I will behave myself at your wedding. I promise. Now, about that dress....

    • Dottie1 profile image

      Dottie1 8 years ago from MA, USA

      Would the real Dottie please stand up!

      I just scrolled up to that picture again and asked my husband "who is that in the pic" and without hesitation he said it was me.  LOL, it is a spittin image!  I'll have to go investigate!

    • Princessa profile image

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      That was hilarious. If I ever get marry again I'll make sure I'll invite you LOL

      BTW for women not to be invited again it also works very well wearing the most "barely there" dress that you can imagine. A deep neckline or a figure hugging dress will also grab the attention of the male guests and maybe even the groom! That is a sure NO, NO, NO. With that one you are sure to be on every other women's black list ;-)

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      I usually skip the pomp and circumstance in church and head straight to the reception for that's where the fun starts and the food and the booze are! :D

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      ajcor:  That's what they say.  Really!

      Dottie1:  I've been meaning to ask, is there a Dottie 2?  Maybe it is you in the picture.  Let me just make a note in my book:  'Dottie:  leads with her left.'  Ok, I'm back.  I got the picture from flickr, photographer waltermonkey.  Maybe you should go check him out.  Maybe you know him.  At least he didn't identify you by name!

      Ripplemaker:  Yeah, they're not all bad.  Sometimes the food is good and the booze is free.  That's something.  Besides, you're too nice to do any of this mean stuff.  I know you!

      Daveearly:  I have been fine tuning the plan for many years through trial and error (and one actual trial that I don't care to talk about.)  About the cheetah, I can run pretty fast, yea?

      Dave, Dave, Dave.  My young inexperienced friend.  There are gifts at the wedding because people bring their gift to the wedding.  But the gifts aren't opened there.  They are taken home and opened the next day, usually.  Someone takes notes on who sent what so proper thankyou cards can be sent.  These days, gift tables at wedding require a guard as theft of the gifts is a real problem.  They certainly aren't going to open them there in front of god-knows-who, showing them the value of the loot.  Of course, the wedding you attended at the Dew Drop In Bar and Grill may have been different.

      Just ribbing you.  Thanks for writing the comment!

      Shirley:  Hi Shirley!

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Hi Christoph!

    • daveearley profile image

      daveearley 8 years ago from Chicago, IL

      LOL, how long did it take to concoct this master plan?

      That video was hilarious! Man, nothin beats a Cheetah! It must've had a sprained ankle or something.

      BTW, the gifts have been brought to the reception regarding any wedding that I have been to at least.

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Hi Christoph, I was grinning ear to ear as I read your hub. I don't mind attending weddings except during those times when the entire family is invited and I don't know who the bride or the groom is. But we all have to go anyway. So I just decide to enjoy the food! LOL

    • Dottie1 profile image

      Dottie1 8 years ago from MA, USA

      OMG, where did you get that picture underneath the one of you sticking your tongue down the brides throat! I had to do a triple take on that picture because it looks exactly like me! LOL. I know I had a few drinks at the last wedding I attended but I don't remember...OMG! Did I really? I swear that is me in that picture...I just looked again, it's definitely me!

      Well no wonder I haven't been invited to a wedding since! I feel blackmailed!

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      here comes the crying flatulent lady - too funny!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      BT: Say no more, say no more. I understand perfectly.

      Patty: A wedding gift of fresh butter tarts would be not only appropriate but economical as well.

      Hot Dorkage: You could have written a funny hub about that! Forgot the chairs? That's hysterical! Oh, and I didn't mean to follow you around, but I was pretty drunk and I though, "That girls a dork, but she's hot.." and, you know, I apologise.

      Thanks for the comment!

      Hi Shirley!

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Wow, HD...that sounds like an event to remember. I can understand why you just send the damn present and stay home!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Sally: Yes, I couldn't you imagine doing any of this stuff. Cancelling at the last minute is Ok, though. I often don't send my gift until later.

      Your right in your note to Theresa too. It isn't fair. And what about baby showers? That is really a rip off. They should be punished...not rewarded. We should get gifts and lots of them - for NOT having any babies. Hmmm, this sounds like a viable government soc!al program. I'll call Obama.

      Thanks for the visit and the comment. Always nice to hear from you.

      Randy Behavior: You raise a viable point. Sometimes, it is dangerous to go against the grain. Sometimes though, it may simply require your hiring a driver and getaway car!

      Mariesue: Hmmm. Funerals sounds like a good idea. I'll have to ponder that one.

      Yes, family affairs can be a different matter all together. You know a lot of people for one, and second...well, that's obvious. Of course it depends on your family. In my family - being Catholic - a wedding means church service. A funeral means a church service. There's a church service for everything! Baby's first tooth - church service. Histerectomy - church service! Hernia operation - church service. Baby's first bowel movement in the toilette - church service!

      Thanks for reading and the comment. I love it when I'm referred to as an "entertaining nut." Let's have a church service!

      packerpack: Thankyou for coming by and the thoughtful comment. Glad you enjoyed it. Stick around...have a cup of coffee!

      Pam: So, you're one of those cryers, eh. I always wondered why people were crying. Then I got married and I started crying to because I knew what they were doing to themselves! (Just kidding. If everyone was a lucky as me, there would be no crying.)

      I'll bet when you show up, everybody whispers, "Uh-oh, here comes the crying flatulent lady."

      Thanks for reading and your nice words!

      Proud Mom: Hello

      Mrs. Countrywoman! Hello and congratulations again! If I were at your wedding, I would have been on my best behavior. Just considering India in general though, I think my plan would need a complete overhaul. Thanks you for coming my. And oh yea, there is no cult.

    • hot dorkage profile image

      hot dorkage 8 years ago from Oregon, USA

      Me, I just send the damn gift and save the airfare. Usually. But your piece reminds me of some funny things that really did happen when my neice got married and we actually did fly back to Kansas for the wedding.

      The bride's grandparents did not even make it to the reception because they got lost trying to follow the groom's brother who was dying to get to the booze, and no directions had been provided

      They wanted my daughter and me to play piano but had neglected to think that perhaps at an outdoor wedding an electonic keyboard would have to be rented. We rented one for them at the last minute.

      Then they didn't even think that they might need to truck chairs in so basically a few people had lawn chairs in their trunks of their cars and they set them up for the really old people. Everyone else just stood.

      They had the reception in their new digs, which is a collection of double and single wides arranged in a circle. The grandmother who didn't even get to see it, and the groom's mom had gone in on this gorgeous cake. Before they could cut it I happened to look at it and there was a precious little four year old girl in her finest pink dress standing at the table digging her germy little hands in and excavating a large cavity in the front of the cake.

      I won't even talk about the groom's father getting blotto within the first hour and starting to follow me around.... blech!

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 8 years ago from North America

      mating and butter tarts must be kin.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

      Well, we're married for life, but as far as mating goes........

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      Christoph- Now I am wondering your magnetic personality must be encouraging lots of ardent devoted followers (ie., Christoph Cult hub) hence you don't want to be so extremely popular hence to weed out some of your social commitments you must have devised these ingenious ways to reduce strain on yourself from your die hard fans. Thumbs up for a fantastic hub.

      P.S: If you were in India I would have still loved to have you around for my wedding...LOL

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Ag: What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. It's normal for Australians to act like this at weddings. Funny. In that case, I might LIKE going to weddings in Australia.

      Theresa: I know. It isn't fair that they get all those presents. My wife wanted a wedding just because she wanted the booty, but she was too nice about it. We didn't do so well, I don't think. Anyway, whatever we did get was for her. I didn't get anything. We didn't even want to get married in a church, but wanted to go off to Vegas for the weekend, but here mother blackmailed us. No formal wedding, no money. Pooh. So we had a quiet little ceremony in the oldest church west of the Mississippi with the same chalice used by the Pope when he said mass here at the stadium. Then a month later, the reception with an orchestra (24 pieces or something) and ballroom dancing. We had a wing in the Casa Loma ballroom roped off, so it wasn't like we paid for the whole thing. It was fun! You could go early and get free ballroom dance lessons.

      Evilpants: Count your blessings. Besides, I didn't think your kind bothered with weddings. Do they mate for life, or is it more like humans, mating not for life but only until somebody gets bored, divorces, and moves on to the next sucker?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Shady Lady: Yes, I figured you were probably on the giving end of that, too. But since you are new, was trying to be polite! Problem is, guys don't mind it being done to them, so it becomes a whole different thing.

      I emphatically deny the existence of a cult. There is not a cult and never was.

      Anna: You said, "I was young and pretty stupid." Hmmm. Young, pretty and stupid. And naked! Just how we like 'em. Throw in a case of larangytus and you were the perfect woman! (Ok, People! That was a joke so stop writing the Hub PC Police to complain.)

      London Girl: Well, thank you for the kind words! A barrister at a loss for words? Egad. You shouldn't feel left out. Going to weddings gets old pretty fast. Thanks for comng by and the comment.

      Elena: Crashing weddings is definitely not for me, but if it floats your boat...why not.

      Anna: Thats an idea, and I will gladly pass my invitations on to you. You won't mind squiring my wife around, will you?

    • Proud Mom profile image

      Proud Mom 8 years ago from USA

      Filling up with beansand other gas producing foods, Pam? You've put some thought into this. LOL!

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      All I can do is laugh my rear off! This is hysterical AND practical advice. :D Weddings always make me cry whether I actually know the people or not.

      These tips will come in handy for all occasions, and I think fueling up on beans and other gas producing foods are also helpful in establishing yourself as someone to not be invited. ;)

      Well done, and thanks for the laughs!

    • packerpack profile image

      Om Prakash Singh 8 years ago from India, Calcutta

      I just cannot stop laughing when I imagined doing all that! A real good hub. Everybody knows how to be good at such invitation but if they have to be bad then above are the tips to follow making sure that you are bad but not too bad!

    • marisuewrites profile image

      marisuewrites 8 years ago from USA

      Weddings and funerals....all dreaded by me. Any suggestions for funerals...no no forget I ask. But your suggestions might create few funerals LOL

      you're a nut. very entertaining. We have a wedding to attend this August...but its a close relative....so I have to be good. Darn! =)) keep up the good pen.

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      Great advice Chris. If its an Italian wedding you may want to make sure there won't be any Mafioso in attendance. Or it really could be your last. No! I'm not speaking from experience.

    • Sally's Trove profile image

      Sherri 8 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

      Another winner from you, Chris! Fortunately, I don't get invited to many weddings anymore. Unfortunately, I'm such a goody-two-shoes that I'd never have the courage to enact any of these things. On the other hand, I do have a mild passive-aggressive streak, so I'd be inclined to accept the invitation and then call in sick at the last minute. That doesn't get me off the hook for the gift, but it keeps me from enduring the pain of the event.

      Teresa, I really, really feel for you. It's not fair! I suggest you pack up your things and move, then throw a great big house-warming party. Be sure to register with Bloomingdale's and the others, and put your personal registration URLs on the invitations to your house-warming. Also, make it potluck, so you don't have to provide the food.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

      This sounds like sage advice, Chris. I'm sure others will find it very helpful. As for me, I haven't been invited to a wedding since 1987. August 1st, to be exact. That was the day of my own wedding. None of my friends or family have been heard from since. Go figure.

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 8 years ago from The Other Bangor

      Couldn't agree more, and have in fact tried many of the tips you suggest, from a woman's perspective. What gets me the most is this: not only have I had the common decency not to get married myself, but no one has ever given me an equivalent of any wedding gifts -- I have gone through life without all the furniture, appliances, and dishes that other folk get as prizes for being obnoxious enough to get married in the first place. Where's my Waterford, eh?

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Cristoph Reilly , I do boring very well!

      Anna Marie , you could always wear Chris's hat and Sunnies.

    • Anna Marie Bowman profile image

      Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

      Here's an idea, Chris! I love weddings! RSVP that you will be attending, send me the information, along with your gift, and I will go in your place. When they ask who I am, I will tell them that you were called away, due to a serious matter that needed your attention, and I am here as your substitute.

    • Elena. profile image

      Elena. 8 years ago from Madrid

      What a spin to the hubmob! I'm still laughing, and I would GLADLY employ all these nifty tricks, if I was EVER invited to any weddings, but I'm not, it's either my acquintances don't seem to want to tie the knot, or they just implicitly understand I would crash their wedding! Laugh!

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      That is just too damn funny for words - I love it.

      But I feel excluded. I hardly ever go to weddings, my mates don't seem to get married. In my entire 31 years of life, I've been to 4 weddings - ever!

    • Anna Marie Bowman profile image

      Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

      Yes, yes, I admit it! Now get the image of me running around naked out of your head, Chris!! LOL!! I was a lot younger, and pretty stupid.

    • Shady Lady profile image

      Shady Lady 8 years ago from here and there

      I may have been on the receiving end of such attention, but I may also have been on the giving end. Glad you liked my first attempt at writing on here. What is this I hear about you and a cult? I got warned.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Of course, I meant it had probably been perpetrated on you, not that you perpetrated it on someone else. Did you get that?

      You're welcome for the welcome. I just read your "finding a good Man, hub. Nice!

    • Shady Lady profile image

      Shady Lady 8 years ago from here and there

      What I may, or may not, know about such a move, well, I'll leave that alone. Thank you for the welcome!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Shady Lady: Ah, yes. I'll bet you know all about that move! Thank you for coming by and commenting. Welcome to HubPages. I'll stop over with a cup of sugar and read some of your writings. Thanks!

      ajcor: So, you know whereof I speak. That was pretty mean what they did to your soon to be hubby. I think tourettes would make a fun night - as a gag, of course. You could say anything you wanted and it wouldn't be your fault. Oooo. I'd have some things to say!

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Very very funny and in quite wild taste Christoph! Because of my husband's position I too have been invited to far too many weddings and have found it hard to talk to so many different people with a constant smile on my dial - particularly when it gets to politics and people get silly - re. the buck,'s night party I remember what his friends and my brothers did to my first husband - left him wearing his underpants in the dead of night anchored to a statue in the middle of the city - wicked wicked! poor thing... you have many good suggestions - i personally favour and indeed wonder how I would go with a healthy dose of Tourettes!...cheers

    • Shady Lady profile image

      Shady Lady 8 years ago from here and there

      You have a wonderful sense of humor, and your writing style is captivating! I had fun reading this, including all the comments. I think the best tip was to kiss the bride, tongue down her throat and make a run for the door!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      ag: Well, I don't actually have a copies of Hustler, which brings me to your second question, what is it? It is a dirty magazine. Now, I am not against pics of naked women, but that magazine is, to me, really dirty! Kind of disgusting, in fact. That was it's claim to fame.

      Well, when I open my seminar in Australia, I'll have to change my program to do the opposite of every thing I say here. Like being real formal and polite. You'll be so boring they wont ever want you around.

      Thanks for the comment.