How NOT to Write A Love Letter (15 Ways)

If, in the past, you sat down, took pen (never pencil) in hand, and wrote a love letter to the object (person) of your affection and that person never responded, or has disappeared entirely, there may be a reason. In fact there may be 15 reasons.

There are certain things that you just should not do or write in a love letter.

You should not (or never):

• Send a love letter email - This would feel like a cheesy form letter. Are you writing everybody in the hopes of getting a response from somebody? It takes no effort at all to change "Dear Somebody" to "Dear Everybody" - with just the push of the delete button. Besides, a handwritten letter says a lot about you, literally. A graphologist* can take one look at your love letter and gather quite a bit of information. You want your sincerity to shine through!
• Be an illiterate - No one, let me repeat this, no one wants an idiot. Saying foolish things aloud is bad enough but then to immortalize them on paper - big mistake. There is nothing wrong with coming across as educated, intelligent, bright, smart, literate, etc. If you doubt your spelling abilities then write an email first, spell check it - then handwrite your love letter. Better to err on the side of being mistaken for someone intelligent rather than an idiot.
• Write page after page after page - Too boring and tedious. No one wants to keep reading and reading and reading - until you finally get to the point. Less is more and shows you have substance - and can show it on one page.
• Say "I" "I" "I" - This makes it appear as if it is all about you, and you want this relationship for your benefit. Remember, love is supposed to be about sharing in a relationship. Not "I" -ing it to death.
• Use computer paper, looseleaf paper, or a brown paper bag - At best this would show a terrible lack of imagination. At worst it would show the height of shocking cheapness. Take the time to purchase some good paper or at least colored paper. Even weak writing looks better on good stationery. But no clowns or well-known cartoon characters. It may come across as a personal comment about your character - or the person you are writing.
• Sprinkle the letter with perfume, or cologne - This is an old, tiresome, unromantic, unimaginative, overdone, rather desperate idea. It would seem as if you could not sit down and dash off a sincere letter of heart-felt love and affection. Instead you had to go find some chemical laced concoction and fool around with it. If the object of your affection has allergies - you probably won't see that person ever again - and be hated in the process.
• Send a love letter to a man if you are a woman - Sooooo very easily misconstrued. He may read your love letter as a contract to share your apartment, good credit, bedroom, bed, food, etc. with him because...well because you put it in writing. Let him write you a hand-written love letter. Even an amateur graphologist* can figure out a lot about a person from his handwriting - and you need to know who you are dealing with. Talk may be cheap but writing shows some investment.
• Propose marriage - Cowardly. The eyes, and body language will tell your true intentions.
• Write more than one - Don't keep dashing off letter after letter. Make your point in one beautiful, thoughtful, well-written love letter - on good stationery, written with a pen that does not skip or leak. If you get a response then take your time and write another. In the interim you are supposed to plan picnics and arrange dinner dates and so on. Your next love letter can refer to those happily shared moments - which you have created.
• Make an attempt at poetry - No, never. Don't think that just because you can rhyme love with glove and dove and above makes you a poet. Poetry is a true beautiful art. Bad poetry is frightening. You may refer to the writings of a true poet but that shouldn't be in your first letter. In your first love letter, your lovely and sincere writing should shine through, not the writing of a dead poet.
• Write "You" "You" "You" - Sounds too much like you are looking for a servant and are creating a list of all the things your servant will do (aka a contol freak monster).
• Promise the moon and the stars and a rainbow - This is quite lovely and you can write about such, but it should be followed with something realistic, something concrete like: If our date starts at eight, just know, I will never be late (there's a little rhyme for you - and promised punctuality gets a gold star).
• Start a relationship with a love letter - If you hardly know the person, a love letter is always inappropriate. You cannot possibly love a person who you see on the subway, or walks past your house once a week, or gets on the elevator with you. Don't confuse lust with love. Love letters are a continuation of something positive, something that is already happening. A love letter to someone you hardly know comes across as stalking. Creepy stuff.
• Doodle all around the edges - No. Just say 'no' to doodling all around the edges or anywhere else.
• Sign off with "Luv Ya" or "Your Boo" - If you cannot sign off with your real name, you will come across as someone in a committed relationship - with someone else - who is prepared to say somewhere down the line, "See hon, I didn't write that. That person over there is not the object of my affection. That love letter, or whatever it is, doesn't have my name on it."

The best thing(s) to do is:

Keep it short, sweet, simple, and sincere.

*Graphologist - a person who studies handwriting. This practice is thousands of years old. Often a graphologist is also a psychologist as it is said that handwriting can reveal a lot about a person's character. Graphologists are often used in the courtroom. For example: If you watch Judge Joe Brown, many times he will call in a handwriting expert when a defendant (or plaintiff) blatantly lies about not having signed a promissory note. The handwriting expert will describe in detail the similarites of the signature on the promissory note and the signature on the liar's driver license or other signed documents.

Happy writing!