Funny Job Applications: How NOT to Apply for a Job

To land a job these days your application has to stand out from the rest. For some people, however, their application stands out for all the wrong reasons.

Study carefully these bits of information taken from genuine job application forms and curriculum vitae which certainly caught the prospective employers' attention!

Spelling is very important – and of course you can rely on your wordprocessor’s spellchecker absolutely. Can’t you? These applicants possibly thought so:

• I took three months’ break to renovate my horse.
  

• I received a plague for salesperson of the year.

Let's hope he got sick pay.

How much time, I wonder, did these applicants spend examining their application forms before they sent them off?

• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

• Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget detail.

Wonder "if if" she got the job?

• I was instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Was that a typo or a Freudian slip?

• Last job: I was a night stalker at Tesco.

Perhaps he was a shelf stacker who did a bit of stalking on the side.

It's never advisable to insult the Personnel Manager. One person who found this out was the careless candidate who ended their covering letter with this optimistic line:

• Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Forget about being confident and competent and backing up your positive statements with solid evidence - if you don't blow your own trumpet, no one else will! That seems to have been the philosophy of the following two job applicants.

• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

• Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

Inexplicably, the potential employer passed up the chance to 'ooh' and 'aah'.

Interviewer: Do you have a criminal record?

Candidate: We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.

Interviewer: Why is there a gap in your employment record?

Candidate: I could not get a job for three months as I was grieving over the death of my cat.

• I graduated in the top 66% of my class.

• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Try to turn negative points into positive ones. No point in handing the interviewer a convenient reason to reject you. You were out of work for years? You were in prison? You get fired from every job? Paper over the cracks with spin. The politicians do it, so why shouldn't you? Here are some examples you can emulate:

Reason for leaving last job:

• The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

• Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.

• They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

• Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state.

• Terminated after saying, ‘It would be a blessing to be fired.'

• Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable.

When completing an application form, it is important to consider exactly what information you are being asked to divulge. Many applications fail because of understandable, easily-made errors like these genuine examples:

Sex .................OCCASIONALLY............................................

Sign here .........ARIES..........................................................

Interviewer: In what local areas do you prefer to work?

Candidate: Smoking.

Interviewer: How big was your last employer?

Candidate: About 6 feet 3 inches.

The most important question on the application form is “Why are you interested in the position?” Here is your chance to show your knowledge and interest in the firm and succinctly state how your skills and experience make you just what they need:

• I want this job to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail

• As the movie ‘Jerry McGuire’ puts it, ‘Show me the money!'

• My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.

Under “job related skills” – for a job as a web designer:

Can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet.

In this section of the application form you get your chance to set out your transferable and job-specific skills and achievements relevant to your suitability for the job.

• I can moonwalk
  

• I am a rabid typist.

• National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.

• Able to say the ABCs backward in under five seconds.

• I came first in the school long distance race.

• Nominated for Prom Queen.

• I make great lattes.

• I speak English and Spinach.
  

• I bring donuts on Fridays

• I have integrity so I would not steal office supplies and take them home.

• I’m a hard worker, etc.

• I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.

• I am a direct descendant of the Vikings.

• I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

• Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail
  
  
  

Some of the e-mail addresses genuinely provided on resumés:

Lazysod@……

lovesbeer@.......

Batfacedgirl@….

hotsexyluv@......

pornstardelight@........

This is your chance to show yourself to be the type of steady, trustworthy person they should want on their team.

• I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail.

Are you the sort of person who is suitable for the job? Are you a sporty extrovert or a cerebral introvert? A cautious deliberator or an exciting risk-taker? Or are you something else altogether? Your hobbies will reveal all:

• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

• Gossiping.

• Mushroom hunting.

• Painting my toenails in varying colors

• Marital Arts

• Lion Taming

• Having a good time

• Sitting on the levee at night watching alligators

• I enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians.

Good references are highly important, so always contact your referees and make sure they are happy to assist. Or, you could do what these candidates did:

Referees:

• Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.

• God Almighty.

• My dog.

• Please do not contact my immediate supervisor at the company. My colleagues will give me a better reference.

Many people enclose their photograph with their resumé. This can show that you are the kind of smartly-presented, clean-cut person they would be proud to see in their office. However, some people seem to miss the point of this, including:

• The woman who attached a photograph of herself dressed as Minnie Mouse.

• The man who sent a photograph of himself stark naked.

• The man who submitted his c.v. with a photograph of a white man attached. When interviewed via video-phone, he had turned into a black man.

• The man who sent a photo of a male wearing a smart jacket, shirt and tie. Unfortunately, it was a male lion.

When you are happy with your application form, send it in and hope for a positive reply.

If you think the replies listed above were all perfectly reasonable and you just can't think of better, then you may have a problem. Perhaps you should be self-employed, maybe as a singing telegram. If you are of normal intelligence and seriously looking for a job, it may be heartening to read over what these bozos wrote and realize that your own efforts, even if imperfect, are at least in the right ball-park and you could be on the path to success. Good luck.