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How To Appear Normal
There are times in our lives when we have to at least appear to be a decent, normal, capable human being. We have to play the part, or at least attempt to be a normal contributor to mankind. We must utilize self control, and not blurt out the hackneyed jibberish which clutters our brains. This is important at times, as acting on our impulses could lead to awkward looks and eventually, isolation from society. To be blunt, there are many instances when being ourselves is not going to cut it.
Here are a few of those situations:
Job interviews are tricky. Anybody can appear normal on a resume, but when it comes time for a face to face, oh boy. Think long and hard before you speak, don't tell the truth!. And for Pete's sake, no drooling! When asked what your strengths are, avoid answers such as I can drive with my feet after drinking a six pack or how easily you can steal cable tv. Employers frown upon such feats.
How you managed to get the date is irrelevant, but now you have to appear somewhat responsible, or at least functional. This could be big, you may actually find someone else who chews aluminum foil, but you'll never know if you don't make a great first impression.
If dinner is involved, avoid belching or passing gas, as this could end the date immediately. Once you're bloated and uncomfortable, eat slowly and chew your food before speaking. Hopefully this tactic will give you a chance to rethink all those inane things you want to say. Remember, no one cares about your hovercraft blog. Let the other person talk and try not to mention your mother's basement or your new video game.
Where Normal Is Not Too Formal...
Shopping Trips to Walmart- One look at the people of walmart website and it is easy to see that anything goes here. Sizes are disregarded. Walmart is a magical place where a small becomes a large and elastic rules the roost. Underwear is optional, as are shoes, bras, belts, decency, and standards. Come one come all, and don't bother worrying about that pesky hole in the back of your shorts...you look good!
Talking To the Police
Oh boy, just calm down. When asked what happened, try not to let your emotions get the better of you. Let's see, it was you, your cousin, and that son of a b---- STOP. Haven't you seen Cops? Take a breath and stay calm. Now explain to the officer, with as much self control as you can muster, that your girlfriend stole your last cigarette and that she already owed you money for the meth. Be courteous and pleasant to the officer and he may loosen up those handcuffs.
Easy does it. Chances are you're going to jail anyway, perhaps if you're nice the kind officer will allow you to put your teeth back in your mouth before putting you in the squad car.
First and foremost, please, please, try to decline the interview. It's become all too evident that the local news channels will travel hundreds of miles to only the most remote and exotic trailer parks to find someone wearing overalls. From there, they will proceed to utilize exactly 4 seconds of that interview on the air. If you do agree to be interviewed, wear a shirt and try to use complete sentences when explaining the UFO. Be clear and concise when giving details of the probing, because there's a good chance you will go viral...
Applying For A Loan
They used to just hand these things out, all you needed was a pulse. This is no more. No, today, you have to prove that you can repay the money lent to you. Un American? Yes, but these are the rules. When applying for a loan, try to present yourself as responsible, and just for giggles, hardworking. That two digit credit score? A misunderstanding, you now know that a credit card has to be paid down, and the reasons for a credit limit. Dress nice and leave your firearms at home. So many rules!
The Doctor's Office
Try your darndest to shower before your visit. Next, extinguish your cigarette before walking in. Lastly, be sure to cover the rash. The key here is not to stand out in the waiting room. Although if people leave you may get in quicker. But still, tread carefully, it is best not to cause panic. Check in at the window and have a seat. Use the restroom if needed but do not under any circumstances announce upon returning that it felt like you were pissing razor blades. Quietly find your seat, and do not hit on pregnant women. Maybe just pick up a magazine.
We all know that Jr.'s a great kid--that smoldering church notwithstanding--but his teacher has some concerns about his classroom behavior. You may be asked about Jr's life at home. Do not view these questions as a persoanal attack, but rather a chance to influence Jr's instructor on what a great parent you can be. Once again, deep breaths. Do not invite the teacher to step outside. Remember where that got you last time? (See Talking To the Police). Listen to the tearcher's suggestions, even though helping Jr. with homework would really cut into your pro wrestling viewing and you aren't about to let that happen. Nod and swallow the urge to make desparaging remarks. Schools usually look down upon violence, and this could only harm Jr's relationship with his teacher. Do it for the kid.
Being Normal Is Easy!
Now that wasn't so bad. With the help of these tips, you should be appearing normal in no time, masking all of your quirks and habits until you can strip back down to your underwear in the privacy of your own home. With some work, you may be able to pass for normal on a daily basis. A good rule of thumb is behave the exact opposite of guests of the Jerry Springer show. Remember, take it one step at a time, you can't do it all in one day. Best of luck!
You're Doing It Wrong
Jackson, Juan, Joe...etc.
Football Jersey, Wife Beater,Cape
Taking Kid To See Santa
Waiting in line, taking pictures, laughing
Getting into fist fight with other parents
Insert nozzle, fill car while gazing at traffic with faraway look on face
Scream at kids in car seat, leave music blasting obscenities for all to hear, smoke cigarette.
Taking call in public
Whisper into phone while walking outdoors or away from others.
Take call, yelling as though auditioning for a role in the movie Twister. Threaten those with the nerve to look at you.
Going to court
Suit, tie, button up shirt, at least a polo shirt.
I hate pigs t-shirt