How to Tell if Your Husband is an Android

In today's world, with technology advancing faster than the Republicans can lower taxes for the rich, it's becoming increasingly more difficult to keep up with the latest developments in gadgets,contrivances, inventions, contraptions, gimmicks, toys, and widgets flooding in from every direction threatening to drown you in a sea computerized thingamagigs,gizmos and doodahs. And there is nothing worse than being buried in a sea of doodahs believe me.

You cannot escape the fact that 'there's an app for that! ' to fulfill any desire,wish or need you could ever conceive of, and if there isn't now, there will be within the next ten minutes. This is only the tip of the iceberg however.

The rest of the iceberg,currently flooding the market, according to my secret 'techy sources' is something that will certainly astound you far beyond simple devices like iPods and iPads. This is the newest thing--the android husband.

Unbeknown to most every woman on the planet, (until now when I shall expose the plot), is the fact that many husbands are in fact, sophisticated robot creatures , or androids, which are being slapped together by the millions, and exported to almost every country in the world for the double  purpose of product research as well as, in the long-term making men obsolete and totally replaceable. The new android-man is renewable, he is recruitable, he is highly inscrutable and he is refundable (should you prefer a model in a different color,size or shape.)

From what I have been told, of every 10 men you might see on the street, only 1 in ten is human, and that number is decreasing! Something to be concerned about to be sure.

Naturally every woman will want to know if HER hubby is the real thing or a complex of mass of electrical circuits posing as the everyday 'Joe' .

Here are some things to consider:

--Does Albert disappear every night into the garage and lock the door behind him? It could be he is recharging his batteries.

--Does Justin get every question correct on Jepardy? Could be he is an android. (Either that or he taped the show and watched it before you got home and then just played the tape as though it were live--it has been done.)

--Have you ever seen your husband remove his head and adjust some blinking lights inside it? Could be he is a robot.

--Have you ever spilled hot boiling water on him and he didn't react? He is either dead or an android. If the former you have not been paying much attention to him lately.

--Does Michael spray his salads with WD-40 instead of Ranch Dressing ? Could be he is an android with a dry motherboard.

--Before you make love does your husband say 'wait, I have to put my emotion-chip in first'. Could be he is an android.

--Does he refer to your home computer as 'a lower life form' ? Could be he is an android.

--Does he have a 'belly button'? If not, could be he's an android. And even if he does appear to have one, it could be where he plugs himself in to the electricity for recharges.

Now we come to the sticky bit of the situation.

You see, you will have to decide a few things, now that you know that Henry, or Max or Trevor or David, the man you have lived with for so many years, is in fact, not what you thought he was.

He is a man of wires and micro-circuits not muscle and bone. You think to yourself, 'how could I have been so blind?' but don't blame yourself, the new androids are made to fool you, by those with the know-how to do it. It's not your fault.

Your husband may have acted strange, using that force field for example to keep your Mother from speaking when she visited on holidays. Or mumbling in his sleep about nanotechnology, feedback circuits, and collision sensors, but still, how were you to know?

The thing to do now is :

1. Never tell him you know. (This could cause a self-reflective cascade, a contained loop of sorts, in his CPU . Not a pretty site.)

2. Treat him as if he could do everything and he will never get tired--because he can and he won't.

Have him wash and dry the dishes, do the laundry, cut the grass and give you a home-perm. Tell him you want the attic cleaned out, the entire house painted inside and out and make Eggplant Italiano Casserole (Saltimbocca ) for lunch and Osso Buco for dinner and while you are eating it, he can play a Chopin Mazurka on the piano. Don't worry, he can do it all with his eyes closed.

After all, if you have to live with an emotionless, robotic, artificially-contructed man, why not take advantage of it!