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How to be a Good Gardener- NOT - a Poem

Updated on March 25, 2013

My garden now . . .

This is my original vegetable bed that I built a few years ago. This is how it looks this year. Tomato plants are growing, but . . .
This is my original vegetable bed that I built a few years ago. This is how it looks this year. Tomato plants are growing, but . . . | Source

How to be a Horrible Gardener

I am a horrible gardener

But I am loved

I am loved by weeds

I am loved by bugs

I am loved by creatures that eat my plants.


I started out an okay gardener

Industrious, built a bed

Recycling, cover with newspapers

Soil and plant food

And I was ready to be a gardener.


...and my garden then . . .

My first garden had better soil, was more defined (much neater!), and actually grew a few things.
My first garden had better soil, was more defined (much neater!), and actually grew a few things. | Source

I once had a cute little garden

Call it beginner’s luck

Handfuls of red tomatoes

A few squash, more cukes,

But not as much as gardeners want.


I always wondered how those gardeners

Get so much out of so little

8 x 8 square garden beds

Enough to feed the family

My two beds can’t feed just one.


My first raised garden bed did "so well" that I added a second one. Here it is now, complete with weeds. Cute little metal garden angel, though!
My first raised garden bed did "so well" that I added a second one. Here it is now, complete with weeds. Cute little metal garden angel, though! | Source

Gardeners write books on this

I read some of them

And even try some of it

But really, inside, I just expect

My seeds to buck up and grow!


I bought the stuff to be a gardener

The mini trowels and spades—

Is that what they’re called?

The flowery outdoor work gloves.

I even got the rubber mat for my knees.


(It’s still in plastic.)


Oh, my do we actually have a few red cherry tomatoes?
Oh, my do we actually have a few red cherry tomatoes? | Source
Oh, my hard work has paid off. Two, count them, two.
Oh, my hard work has paid off. Two, count them, two. | Source

I wanted to be a gardener

I still try every year

Along with the weeds and heat

And bugs that love my leaves

And paltry stash of veggies.


I am a horrible gardener.

Black thumb and all…

Loved by my weeds

Loved by my bugs

And loved by real gardeners at the Farmer’s Market.


I am the worst gardener.

Horrible but happy

Happy to shop

Happy to buy

And forever loved

By those grocery stores that I keep in business.


I am a horrible gardener.

But I have my place.


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    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Great looking tomatoes...LOL...that sounds like a horrible pick up line!

      Hey, you try, right? I love the line that you expect them to buck up and grow. What do they want from me? I planted them, watered them and tried to keep the weeds back! Seems like those seeds have to take some responsibility, right?

      Love it!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Bill--LOL! Those little tomatoes were tasty! Heck, yeah, I try. I throw out seeds, water, pick a few weeds that keep coming back--why don't the seeds just take off and grow! Dang--maybe I'll get better at it one day. Some Preen would probably help. Maybe some fertilizer, too? LOL. I need a hub "Idiot's Guide to Gardening" in 3 easy steps. Thanks for coming by, Bill. Glad you liked it!

    • profile image

      kelleyward 4 years ago

      Very funny!!! I should add my pictures and you'd see I'm a much worse gardener than you ha ha. Loved this! Kelley

    • Jeff Gamble profile image

      Jeff Gamble 4 years ago from Denton, Texas

      Victoria - Absolutely hilarious! You have the best looking weeds I've seen in a long time!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Thanks, kelley. I really would love to get most of my produce from my own garden, but I don't have the patience to do things right, I guess. I wanna see YOUR pictures!!!

    • ComfortB profile image

      Comfort Babatola 4 years ago from Bonaire, GA, USA

      You, Victoria are hilarious!

      Welcome to the club of horrible gardners. Tried it for 2 years, I actually did very well with my bell peppers and okra, but the weeds and bugs (of all shapes and sizes) just did me in. Now I'm a frequent buyer at the farmers market.

      Don't give up though. There's hope for those rubber mats.

      Voted 'hilarious', that is, funny.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Vee......I'm speechless. Don't know what to say. I'm honored you wrote a hub about me!! Thank you!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Woo, Jeff, you make me blush. :-)

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      ComfortB--Your comments are funny, too. LOL. I'm going to keep trying. I have hopes. My mom had huge gardens even with 4 kids and working full-time!! She canned stuff, froze stuff. I, on the other hand, work from home, have no big family, and harvest two cherry tomatoes. Oh, I did have one squash before the bugs got them. Thanks so much for your awesome comments!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Effer! So glad I could capture you in this hub. LOL. :-)

    • writer20 profile image

      Joyce Haragsim 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

      I'm the same way. I tried growing tomatoes and potatoes I had more luck with the potatoes, really they could have stayed longer in the bed I made but winter was well on it's way. The tomatoes crumped and looked really bad.

      Better luck next year.

      Voted up useful and interesting, Joyce.

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      Two little tomatoes sittin in my hand...

      Where are the rest...Oh well maybe I'll start a band.

      Voted Up!

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      MizBejabbers 4 years ago

      I have eaten some of the most expensive tomatoes in the world -- the few I've grown in my own garden.

    • Darrylmdavis profile image

      Darrylmdavis 4 years ago from Brussels, Belgium

      I got a good chuckle from this :-)

    • rfmoran profile image

      Russ Moran 4 years ago from Long Island, New York

      Victoria, I feel your pain. Great Hub that tells the truth about planting a garden, which I do every year. There are actually people who enjoy weeding. I'm not one of them.Voted up and funny.

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Joyce, I haven't tried potatoes. Maybe I should! Yeah, there's always next year. It is a bummer for me, because I love fresh veggies and I like to save money. Oh, well, I'm doing my part to boost the economy!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Perfect, Curiad. That's what I should do! I remember your hub about tomatoes. So, now, how does your garden grow? :-)

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      MizB--you are too funny! :-)

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      I'm glad, Darrylmdavis!!!! :-)

    • PHILLYDREAMER profile image

      Jose Velasquez 4 years ago from Lodi, New Jersey

      LOL. Did you ever find out what you were doing wrong?

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      rfmoran--I hate to dig, I hate to plan, I hate to weed--why do I even bother? Because I love fresh tomatoes, that's why! Maybe I'll get better!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      PhillyDreamer--I probably don't fertilize the soil right (or at all), and I let the weeds and grass grow back too much. That's all I can figure. I DO water the stuff! How are your gardening skills?

    • PHILLYDREAMER profile image

      Jose Velasquez 4 years ago from Lodi, New Jersey

      I prefer synthetic gardens lol. I plan on buying a mansion tear up all the grass and replace it with astro turf.

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      PhillyDreamer--You are brilliant! I would love astroturf! No mowing. And if I could afford a mansion, I think I would just hire a gardener!!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 4 years ago

      Use those tomatoes as a garnish and you will have accomplished much! I have the same talent in growing veggies. And bugs are one thing I hate to have to deal with indoors and out. Enjoyed your hub.

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      haha, teaches! Great idea. Glad you enjoyed the hub and can relate to my gardening woes!

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 4 years ago

      ah the lovely Victoria - two words which go together so well - and this is so charming and funny just like its esteemed and good natured author - thank you so much for your comment to my gal pal Sannel at wizzley - you made our day - and I am not a horrible gardener - I just don't garden at all - lol lol

      sending you warm wishes and good energy from lake erie time 1:09pm

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Thanks, Epi! I love your kind and wooing words! :-) I want to keep gardening, even though I'm a horrible one. Maybe that will improve. I do plan to see you and Sannel and some others at Wizzley from time to time. Branching out a bit. Take care, my friend. :-)

    • Angelo52 profile image

      Angelo52 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Well, at least your bad gardening led you to a nice poem about it. Enjoyed the whole trip.

    • vespawoolf profile image

      vespawoolf 4 years ago from Peru, South America

      This is so hilarious! The title caught my eye, and now that I read your poem I can see why. I can really relate to this for I am also a horrible gardener!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Angelo, you're right. At least something good came out of my black thumb!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      LOL, vespawoolf! Glad you can relate, although I'm sorry you're a horrible gardener, too. :-)

    • Vellur profile image

      Nithya Venkat 4 years ago from Dubai

      Enjoyed reading, the best thing is that you keep trying. Those tomatoes do look great. Keep trying that is the secret to success.

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Aw, thanks, Vellur. Those teeny tiny tomatoes were great. I'm getting two a day. LOL! Maybe one day I'll try a little harder!

    • Jools99 profile image

      Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

      Victoria, great little tomatoes, enough here for one cracker and a slice of cheese but hey you grew them yourself so they will taste FANTASTIC :o)

      The rain has done for my gardening this year, we have had a months worth of rainfall in one day and everything is pretty waterlogged.

      My self-sufficiency plan are not looking good...but I did pick 3 strawberries from my hanging baskets today so all is not lost :0)

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Hey, Jools, I'm getting about two tiny tomatoes per day. One little snack. :-) They do taste good, though; you are right about that. Hey, good luck with the strawberries. I planted a few plants this year but it looks like they are drying out. LOL

    • Jools99 profile image

      Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

      Drying out? Lucky you! Mine have been drowned by today's further downpour - but I do have lots of them. I just hope they get some sun this week and then I can eat them with cream :o)

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 4 years ago from Houston, Texas

      This was really funny! Still smiling. I particularly loved your ending about having your place. Haha! It is obvious that your tiny little cherry tomatoes are not on steroids. :)) This year my cherry tomatoes are going bonkers! Another year I authored a hub about wondering why my gargantuan tomato plant was taking over the yard. Sounds good, right? Trouble was, it did not produce tomatoes! I guess some years are just better than others for those of us who deem ourselves gardeners. Voted funny and sharing this so that others can have a good laugh today.

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Yummy, Jools. Yes, lots of heat here and little rain. Strawberries and cream sound wonderful!

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 4 years ago from California Gold Country

      We all have to start somewhere, and I'm pretty sure the tempting taste of tiny tomatoes will make you keep trying.

      I liked this, takes me back to my roots.

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      So, Peggy, do you do any particular fertilizing? Only one year did my cherry tomatoes go bonkers and finally froze out in November as they were still producing. I didn't do anything special but stick some extra plants off on the side of the yard. Go figure. Then they won't grow well in the raised veggie beds. Write a hub if you have some gardening for dummies suggestions! LOL!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Rochellee-yeah, I'm drawn in every year, even with being a horrible gardener with tiny tomatoes. LOL!

    • unknown spy profile image

      IAmForbidden 4 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

      Cute poem. Gardening is one of my fave hobby too. And tomatoes are my fave plants. You watch them grow everyday, first you see green circles and then they turn red! Love the hub!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      unknown spy--You're right; tomatoes are kind of exciting to watch. Perhaps next year I will focus on tomatoes only--all things tomato!--and see if I can do better!

    • dilipchandra12 profile image

      Dilip Chandra 4 years ago from India

      Cute writing, the tomatoes at the end looks awesome. I must add, those tomatoes are the main attraction to the hub, enjoyed reading. Thank you.

    • Victoria Lynn profile image
      Author

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      dilipchandra12--I'm glad you enjoyed the writing and the tomatoes! I didn't get many more tomatoes than that. I'm hoping to do better this year!

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