ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How to become a lawyer

Updated on May 26, 2009
Suitable art for any law office
Suitable art for any law office

How I think it should be written

As part of my May writing assignment with an online marketing company, I received a list of numerous “How to” stories to write. Subjects included installing a fitness room floor, understanding stock prices, how to ski, how to change a flat tire and how to fill out your W2. As I respect the company, and particularly the editor who assigns my writing tasks, I do my utmost to make the stories useful and interesting. In this case, I will write the proper helpful how to story, but I thought I would start by writing my own personal idea of how the story should be written. If you are a lawyer or an accountant and cannot take a joke (like most in those two professions) then you probably shouldn’t read on any further.

Basic Requirements

It is preferred that you be physically small in stature (aka vertically challenged) be nondescript in physical features and have an annoying speaking voice. Fear not because we can teach you how to remove any redeeming values that you possess and thus prepare you for the lucrative but uninteresting field of law (Much like your future colleagues). The following is a sampling of some of the courses that you will take in your studies.

Personality 101

If you actually have a personality that people like, we will do everything in our power to train you on how to change those characteristics. It is very important that you are not liked because this could get in the way of making sound legal decisions. Friendship is not to be considered the target but you must have a large group of colleagues that you can consult with and also try to play golf. Golf will assist you in the art of distorting the truth or plain lying that will heretofore be referred to as details as I recall them to the best of my recollection.

Sports 101

Do not fear. This is not a physical education course. It is a course designed to ensure that any skills you have in sports are destroyed beyond any possibility of getting beyond sandlot level. Further, we will teach you how to turn any game that can be enjoyed by the masses and turn it into a business that you will summarily work to destroy by sucking the life and money out of that sport. Professional hockey and auto racing will be used as case studies.

Accounting 101

While there will be some reference to understanding actual accounting practices, so that you can learn to manipulate them in your favor, it is more of a course about professional courtesy to examine what can be learned from accountants that can be applied in the legal field. Such topics as left and right thinking, black and white, and yes or no answers will be discussed. You will learn that no is always the best answer for your clients. This will require that you explain the rationale behind the no answer and therefore charge more time for your services.

Evasion 202 (prerequisite Confusion 101)

It will include tax evasion since you will need to know both sides of this issue—for your client and your own personal needs. It is also a course on public speaking and speaking to the press where you will learn the technique of how to say a lot of words and actually say nothing meaningful at all. You will learn that a date is not a deadline but a stage in the process. You will learn the importance of evasion in that it will prolong the task at hand and therefore prolong the billing cycle.

Those are just some of my thoughts regarding lawyers. Now here are my two favorite lawyer jokes. I tell them to as many lawyers as I can on the 1st tee as they start their game. (I work part-time as a starter at a local golf course).

  1. Why won’t sharks eat lawyers?
    Professional courtesy.
  2. Do you know where lawyers come from?
    They are the result of parents having anal sex.

If I have offended anyone, well that was my intent. You see I could never be a lawyer or even a diplomat at the UN as one customer suggested since my choice of words was very tactful that day. It’s more about why they don’t issue us shotguns at the golf course for the “shotgun starts” for golf tournaments. Our general manager knows that we will use them on customers, especially if we find out that they are lawyers.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Mr. Grumpy 

      9 years ago

      I still prefer the cattle prod and/or StunGun/Taser. Seems to get their attention.

      My favourite lawyer joke....99% of all lawyers give the other 1% a bad name.

    • Pearldiver profile image

      Rob Welsh 

      9 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time.

      I fear you may have been sued at some point pror to this. I'm sure there are many reasons a shotgun isn't provided.. Never forget that is not so much the profession of the man that should be 'judged'; rather the man himself. As a lawyer, I would have to say; "I'll Sue." As a writer/reader the power of writing is borne from the ability to walk a mile in the shoes of your subject.... The shotgun? If you feel objectively that you 'can do better' Then you will be good at beating your best. I hope so, good luck.. & hub.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)