How to become a lawyer
How I think it should be written
As part of my May writing assignment with an online marketing company, I received a list of numerous “How to” stories to write. Subjects included installing a fitness room floor, understanding stock prices, how to ski, how to change a flat tire and how to fill out your W2. As I respect the company, and particularly the editor who assigns my writing tasks, I do my utmost to make the stories useful and interesting. In this case, I will write the proper helpful how to story, but I thought I would start by writing my own personal idea of how the story should be written. If you are a lawyer or an accountant and cannot take a joke (like most in those two professions) then you probably shouldn’t read on any further.
It is preferred that you be physically small in stature (aka vertically challenged) be nondescript in physical features and have an annoying speaking voice. Fear not because we can teach you how to remove any redeeming values that you possess and thus prepare you for the lucrative but uninteresting field of law (Much like your future colleagues). The following is a sampling of some of the courses that you will take in your studies.
If you actually have a personality that people like, we will do everything in our power to train you on how to change those characteristics. It is very important that you are not liked because this could get in the way of making sound legal decisions. Friendship is not to be considered the target but you must have a large group of colleagues that you can consult with and also try to play golf. Golf will assist you in the art of distorting the truth or plain lying that will heretofore be referred to as details as I recall them to the best of my recollection.
Do not fear. This is not a physical education course. It is a course designed to ensure that any skills you have in sports are destroyed beyond any possibility of getting beyond sandlot level. Further, we will teach you how to turn any game that can be enjoyed by the masses and turn it into a business that you will summarily work to destroy by sucking the life and money out of that sport. Professional hockey and auto racing will be used as case studies.
While there will be some reference to understanding actual accounting practices, so that you can learn to manipulate them in your favor, it is more of a course about professional courtesy to examine what can be learned from accountants that can be applied in the legal field. Such topics as left and right thinking, black and white, and yes or no answers will be discussed. You will learn that no is always the best answer for your clients. This will require that you explain the rationale behind the no answer and therefore charge more time for your services.
Evasion 202 (prerequisite Confusion 101)
It will include tax evasion since you will need to know both sides of this issue—for your client and your own personal needs. It is also a course on public speaking and speaking to the press where you will learn the technique of how to say a lot of words and actually say nothing meaningful at all. You will learn that a date is not a deadline but a stage in the process. You will learn the importance of evasion in that it will prolong the task at hand and therefore prolong the billing cycle.
Those are just some of my thoughts regarding lawyers. Now here are my two favorite lawyer jokes. I tell them to as many lawyers as I can on the 1st tee as they start their game. (I work part-time as a starter at a local golf course).
won’t sharks eat lawyers?
- Do you
know where lawyers come from?
They are the result of parents having anal sex.
If I have offended anyone, well that was my intent. You see I could never be a lawyer or even a diplomat at the UN as one customer suggested since my choice of words was very tactful that day. It’s more about why they don’t issue us shotguns at the golf course for the “shotgun starts” for golf tournaments. Our general manager knows that we will use them on customers, especially if we find out that they are lawyers.