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I Said Hold the Damned Mayo! A Primer in the Art of Mayonnaise Hatred

Updated on August 16, 2013
Mayo-free is the way to be!
Mayo-free is the way to be! | Source
Despite coming from the land of the goopy slop, I have much respect for good Frenchies like Marie Curie, Claude Monet, Joan of Arc, and Victor Hugo.
Despite coming from the land of the goopy slop, I have much respect for good Frenchies like Marie Curie, Claude Monet, Joan of Arc, and Victor Hugo. | Source
With French like these, who needs enemies?
With French like these, who needs enemies? | Source

As Usual, the French Are to Blame

The French are treading on pretty thin ice as far as I’m concerned. Sure, they have given the world Louis Pasteur, Victor Hugo, and the Louvre; but they have also contributed mimes and Gérard Depardieu.

They have graced world culture with Monet, Renoir, and Catherine Deneuve; yet they unleash a never-ending torrent of overpriced bottled waters and obscenely expensive perfumes.

The proverbial straw that broke this camel’s back, however, is not one of the above travesties against humankind. The final outrage that has forever steered my mindset into an unalterable bastion of anti-French sentiment is their fiendish, underhanded introduction of that slimy, vomit-inducing condiment of the devil himself into world cuisine.

Mayonnaise… cursed be thy name.

It would take a thousand Jacques Costeaus to fully compensate for that sin against nature.

Author Ed Abbey, a wise man with discerning taste
Author Ed Abbey, a wise man with discerning taste | Source

Mayonnaise, like hollandaise, was invented by the French to cover up the flavor of spoiled flesh, stale vegetables, rotten fish. Beware the sauce! Where food comes beslobbered with an elegant slime you may well suspect the integrity of the basic ingredients.

- Ed Abbey, The Fool's Progress

Personal Conversion to the Anti-Mayo Camp

Admittedly, I have not always approached my loathing of mayonnaise with the intensity and fervor it merits. It shames me to say this, but there was even a time when my outlook could best be characterized as mayonnaise-neutral. That all changed one fateful Sunday afternoon.

I like food. I like to eat it. I eat it with my mouth. As far back as I can remember, I recall consuming food (with my mouth). It is a lifelong habit that I have never broken. Sometimes I go to restaurants and consume food professionally prepared by food-preparation professionals. It was on one such occasion that my abhorrence of mayonnaise was born.

Bonanza, although a standout television program, is a subpar restaurant. It markets its dead animal flesh and tuber fare to the unrefined, undiscriminating, and otherwise culinarily-challenged. In other words, it screams out for my patronage; and I willingly oblige. Despite my preference for consuming dead cow flesh and a general disdain for “rabbit food”, I will invariably cruise the salad bar because its cost is included within the price of my meal and, hey, isn’t gluttony the name of the game?


The Cartwrights would never approve of buckets of goopy slime being served in their namesake restaurant. They express as much in this 1964 Viewmaster reel with strategically-placed middle fingers.
The Cartwrights would never approve of buckets of goopy slime being served in their namesake restaurant. They express as much in this 1964 Viewmaster reel with strategically-placed middle fingers. | Source

The Plot Thickens

On one such excursion to Bonanza’s salad bar, I was delighted, I mean simply delighted, to see that they had a bucket fully stocked with vanilla pudding, one of my favorite dessert dishes. I scooped out a healthy portion of pudding and continued down the line selecting those few salad bar items that I consider edible (including several dozen green olives!). I meandered back to my table, cleared my palate with a healthy swig of tap water, and proceeded to dig into my pseudo-gourmet feast.

Upon taking a massive whomping spoonful of my beloved vanilla pudding, I entered into a state of general distress. It tasted funny. Funny odd, not funny ha-ha. The kind of funny that demanded immediate expulsion. It had an uncharacteristically goopy texture to it and a rancid taste distinctly non-vanilla. My gag reflex kicked in and the offending matter exited my mouth with all due haste, finding a new home on and in my girlfriend’s blouse. I was not pleased. My girlfriend was not pleased. Displeasure hung in the air like a large, unhappy hanging thing.

Cleavage-invading mayonnaise has been known to cause violent outbursts in otherwise docile females.
Cleavage-invading mayonnaise has been known to cause violent outbursts in otherwise docile females. | Source

Mayonnaise-Based Products Make Poor Fashion Accessories

I sat, stunned, pondering what evil substance I had placed into my unwitting mouth and awaiting the return of my disgusted, if not disgusting, girlfriend. Upon returning from her undesired restroom exodus, she assured me, in no uncertain terms, that it is no pleasant thing to clean regurgitated tartar sauce from one’s bra. It was tartar sauce that pushed me over the edge, and it was the insidious presence of mayonnaise (a bad and disgusting thing) that made the tartar sauce so extra-revolting. I blame mayonnaise (and the rotten French!) for my woes, and you can be darn tootin’ I hold a grudge.

Damn you, mayonnaise. Damn you to hell.

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Don’t let this happen to you!
Don’t let this happen to you! | Source

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    • profile image

      Beth37 3 years ago

      Oh my gosh, that's the funniest thing Ive ever read. (Don't tell Mark I said that.) And I love that it's your only hub. lol. I hope you'll keep writing.

      PS, what do you put on your sandwiches?

    • Resident Weevil profile image
      Author

      Resident Weevil 3 years ago

      Thank you, Beth.

      I figured this is probably the only Hub I'll need, as surely 'I HATE MAYONNAISE' is one of the premier and lucrative search terms on the interwebz today. And, if not, color me disillusioned.

      Regarding my sammich adornment: Typically mustard, horseradish, jalapenos. And never, never, never ketchup on a hot dog. That is wrong, wrong, wrong. Almost as wrong as mayo on anything.

    • profile image

      Beth37 3 years ago

      What were you raised by?

      Who doesn't like ketchup on hotdogs?

    • Resident Weevil profile image
      Author

      Resident Weevil 3 years ago

      I was raised by people with the good sense to buy mustard in industrial-sized containers. Any good Epicurean will tell you -- mustard, onions, and jalapenos are the only proper method of dressing a hot dog. And by 'any good Epicurean', I really mean 'me'. I doubt a true Epicurean could so much as mutter the word 'hot dog' without crinkling up his nose and making unpleasant guttural grunting noises.

    • profile image

      Beth37 3 years ago

      Im not a big hot dog fan. I had a very good online friend from England and from what I could tell, he ate mayonnaise on everything. It didn't occur to me that that was just 'his thing'. I thought maybe it was an English thing... From what I can tell, you all eat way too many beans.

    • Resident Weevil profile image
      Author

      Resident Weevil 3 years ago

      Oh, I'm not a Brit. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) They seem a stoic, sturdy lot. But I bleed red, white, and blue. As long as the red's not ketchup (on a hot dog) and the white's not mayonnaise (on anything).

      I think we're making real progress in solving all the world's problems here. At least those that directly pertain to condiment choices.

    • profile image

      Beth37 3 years ago

      You're American? Im sorry. I don't believe you. You are smart funny. There are very few smart funny people. Do you need a stalker? I enjoy your words very much.

    • sgbrown profile image

      Sheila Brown 3 years ago from Southern Oklahoma

      I really enjoyed this hub! You tell it like it is, don't you! I have to admit that I do like mayo, not so much actually mayonnaise but Miracle Whip. I eat it on all my sandwiches. I agree that mustard is the only way to go on a hot dog. I can just imagine your shock when you tasted tarter sauce when you were expecting vanilla pudding! Loved your hub! I hope to see more from you. Welcome to HubPages! :)

    • Resident Weevil profile image
      Author

      Resident Weevil 3 years ago

      Beth -- I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy, a Yankee Doodle do-or-die. For reals. Stalkers always welcome.

      sgbrown -- I'll forgive you your mayonnaise indiscretions in light of your refined hot doggie garnishment. Thanks for the visit.

    • Georgie Lowery profile image

      Georgianna Lowery 3 years ago from Lubbock, TX

      I don't understand how people can eat mayonnaise, that stuff just smells wrong. Unfortunately, I don't like mustard, onions or pickles either.

      But yeah, barfing up tartar sauce is not a good thing.

      And hot dogs want chili, cheese and coleslaw.

      Welcome to HubPages! :)

    • Resident Weevil profile image
      Author

      Resident Weevil 3 years ago

      Danke for the welcome, Georgie. And I'm down with the classic chili-cheese dog, though it's still a bit naked to me without a liberal smattering of onions.

    • profile image

      calculus-geometry 3 years ago

      As a life-long anti-mayonite I've never understood why "with mayo" is always the default setting in highway diners and greasy spoon joints. It seems most people either tell the waiter to hold the mayo, or else if they forget, they open their sandwich and wipe it off with a napkin. Wouldn't restaurants reduce their overhead by leaving mayo off people's burgers and sandwiches in the first place? Oh, and if you ever visit the Pacific Northwest and go out for sushi, make sure to tell them no mayo, because yes, they will put it in your rolls too.

    • Resident Weevil profile image
      Author

      Resident Weevil 3 years ago

      If my constitution were not so strong, the thought of mayo and sushi would be enough to push me over the edge. That takes 'wrong' to a whole new level.

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