I Wanted to Scream At You
I wanted to scream at you the other day...but I didn't. I wanted to tell you how wrong you were...but I didn't. I wanted to beg you to stay...but I didn't. I walked you to the door, gave you a kiss on the lips and quietly closed the door after you left. Then I drank a bottle of wine and cried myself to sleep.
You see...I fully understand the "situation" we are/were in. I think I had made myself perfectly clear as to my intentions. I had been waiting a long, long time for you to make up your mind...but you hadn't. I really don't know what else I could or can do, to make a difference. Once again, I find myself waiting on you.
Why is it that you can't make a decision? I wonder if I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough...too many "miles" on me...I'm too opinionated, not the right race, religion or age...for you. I push too hard, I don't push enough. I've asked for forgiveness...told you I realize that I have made mistakes. You say it's "okay"...but you're behavior indicates that it's not.
You say one thing, but then act in the opposite. Am I expecting too much? Not enough? Have I not been clear? Why is it when I ask you to be honest with me, you talk in riddles? Direct answers aren't available...
You know why I moved here...I had the opportunity to come to this town or another one 3 hours away...yes, you were part of the reason I chose this place. I even asked you if it was "okay" for me to move here. You were fine with it. Now you say that you didn't know I was moving here "for you". Seriously? That's what you're telling me?
Then you say we can be "friends". But you also say that I'm "dangerous" to you. Because you know that when you are around me, you want to sleep with me. What am I suppose to tell you? No? I have never been shy about my feelings for you. I've always been upfront and forward with my thoughts and intentions.
There was a time when you said we could be together. I know that I chose to end the "relationship" as it were. I thought it was in your best interest. I knew how much you were suffering. But you, yourself, said that we were soul mates. Meant to be together. You said that you would always love me. When I told you that I had made a mistake, I was wrong - I should have never let you go - you were, I don't know - flattered? I really don't think you've ever responded to the comment...why is that? Are you hiding from me or yourself?
I guess what I am looking for is this - an honest answer - to these questions:
1. If we are over, then we are over. Tell me that we're over.
2. If we aren't, then tell me we aren't.
3. You have a key to my home. If you intend to use it, then use it. If not, then either return it or throw it away - and tell me that it's gone.
4. I don't know if I can be "just friends" with you. I am still in love with you. I can't sit there and not want to be loved by you. I don't want to be "just friends" with you. I want to be with you. Everyday, always, for the rest of our lives. If you can't do this, or won't do this, then please - just tell me. Don't be vague or lead me on.
5. You have told me to "move on"...and yet, when I have tried - you're not happy. I'm not happy.
I guess the "bottom line" as I like to say is this - and know that it is killing me to say it - If we can't be together, then we can't be anything. It is too painful to know that you are so close and yet, so unavailable. I can't knowingly see you and know that I won't be able to be held in your arms, to be kissed by your lips or loved by your soul. I cry for you at night. I reach over at night to hold you, only to wake and see you're not there. I dream of our nights together, the laughter, the tears, the joy and the love. I have never loved someone like I love you. I have never been loved by someone like you. I would rather be alone than to be without you.
So I end this tonight - not knowing if or when I'll hear from you again. But do know this...I have always loved you and I will love you always.