Realization
I am not the machine of virtue I once thought I was. I am not the force for good I once thought I was. I am a person like any other. I, like everyone else, am caught in the web of my own circumstances. My own survival matters more to me than that of another. I am not the martyr I once thought I was. I am not a hero. I am a person trying to get ahead in my daily affairs. I will do anything to keep my mask on. I will do anything to pleasure myself.
Confronting myself has not been easy, yet here I am. I am an imperfect being. I cannot save the world. Neither can I love everyone around me. I am not the person of goodwill I once thought I was. Neither am I as strong-willed as I once expected myself to be. I am selfish. I am very, very selfish. I break promises because I don't feel like keeping them. I accept myself. I am weak.
I am not sincere. I say words I don't mean. I take people for granted. I often beat myself up before realizing I shouldn't. Consistency is not my forte; inconsistency is. Weakness is the name of my game. I have nothing to offer. For me, even regret is tinged with the pleasure of debauchery.
I hurt people with barbed words before hurting within. I hurt those who reach out to me. Those who reach out to me hurt me. I see no solace. There is much bleakness in my every day. My relationships fail to begin. I am filled with myself. I cannot look beyond myself. I want be someone else, yet I accept myself. This is who I am. I acknowledge who I am.
I am filled with regret. I seem to be getting nowhere, and, yet, I am certainly getting somewhere. This life is filled with questions galore. Nothing is known. I do not know when I will lose in totality. I do not know if redemption is possible. I do not know. I am helpless. Such is life for me. Nothing seems to mean anything. Every effort seems wasted. I cannot think clearly. I am an animal in distress. Debauchery and distress coexist in me. Is this what unity in diversity looks like?
This is my world. This is your world. Welcome to earthschool. Let us coexist.
