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If the Characters in Macbeth Wrote the Local Paper [humor]

Updated on December 5, 2015

Advice Column

Dear Witches of Fate,

My wife wants me to be a man of power. She wants wealth, and I think she is willing to do anything to get financial success in her life. Believe me when I say that she frightens me sometimes. I want to please her, and I would love to be king some day, but I don’t know if I can go through with her plans. They seem evil to me. I want her happiness, above all, but how can I be sure that her plans won’t bring me to ruin?

Signed,

Scared of his Wife

Dear Scared of his Wife,

We understand. Your wife seeks power and you are the only one in a position to take it. What if we told you that everything your wife desires is about to come true? Would you act out her plans if you knew you were to become the next king of Scotland? We think you are afraid of success, not your wife. Be a man and take action. Listen to what she says and not only will her dreams come true, but yours as well.

Editorial

Crime has never been a problem in Scotland under the reign of King Duncan. But with his tragic murder, yet unsolved, more crime than ever finds a home in the once-safe country.

Two other prominent figures in Scottish society have also been tragically murdered: Lady Macduff and Banquo, which means that even those in power are not safe from the crime that penetrates our streets.

Even the soldiers seem to be preparing for a greater battle than we’ve ever seen before. But the main problem is that there has been no news, no information on how we should protect ourselves or how we should feel about the tragic death of our king.

It’s difficult to define how we should feel about King Macbeth. He was a General and a thane, but what else does he have to offer our people? Is he generous, trustworthy? Is he honorable like the late King Duncan? It’s too soon to tell.

But, before anything else happens, be on guard. Until we know who we can trust, it would probably be best to trust no one.

This is a plea to take refuge in your homes. Do not go out on the streets at night until these grisly murders have been solved. As a clever man once said, “there’s something rotten in Denmark.”

Obituary

King Duncan.

King Duncan, 54, of Scotland, was brutally murdered. He will live on in memory as one of the nation’s most honorable kings. Duncan, for the most part, was a quiet, generous king. Beloved by all, even those he called his enemies, which were few.

King Duncan will be received by friends and family in a funeral procession to the Scottish Cemetery of Light, where his ancestors rest in peace. Grave side services will commence, followed by a reception held by the honorable Lady Macbeth and her husband, the thane of Cawdor, Macbeth.

Lady Macbeth.

Lady Macbeth, 34, of Scotland, was a powerful woman who lived by the saying that “life is a game, you either come out ready to play—or you will be defeated.” In her game of life, Lady Macbeth took no chances. She sought a better, financially secure life for herself and her family and she took the action required to get there. She said once that her only regret in life was that she had to fight dirty, at times, to make her dreams come true.

Lady Macbeth is survived by her husband, Macbeth. Funeral services will include a closed-casket viewing where friends and family can pay their respects.

Macbeth.

Macbeth, 35, of Scotland died in combat, the death of a tragic hero. Macbeth rose in military ranks to that of General, alongside his friend and companion, Banquo. They fought with courage and honor. While Macbeth never professed to believing in the supernatural, he did seem to have a knack for knowing what was about to happen next. This uncanny ability led in his rise in power from General and thane of Glamis to thane of Cawdor and, later, King of Scotland following the tragic death of King Duncan. Macbeth took to the throne eagerly, but suffered emotionally upon his wife’s tragic death and never fully recovered to his generous, full-of-life self.

Macbeth is survived by no one. Funeral services will be closed-casket and will be held following the services of Lady Macbeth, which are still pending family arrangements.

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