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In search of happiness

Updated on February 25, 2013

Towards the horizon shines the sun, that ends one day and brings us closer to a new tomorrow.

Chapter 1

Time passed fast as the seasons came and went by, in a manner of speaking, autumn came soon enough, with the chilly weather outside, the great branches of life, keeping us alive, having nothing on but just a few leaves left to cover their naked body, it’s a sad view to be seen, but it’s complex in the feeling it gives, as you pass by the shower of foliage, a mixed state of sadness combined with the furry of the wind, as it hits the mightiest crown of the hazelnut tree, the park seems calm in its emptiness, the chilly breeze creates golden-brown waves in the air, as it picks up the fallen leaves and carrying them across the horizon, a few shapes, that can be distinguished far away between the shades of blue and white of the endless heaven, seem to advance farther and farther away to the sunset, as the king of the sky throws his last rays of hope over the land, staring far away… a small child stares blankly at the sky as he remembers long lost memories, that he wish he’d never knew…

Everything seems like depicted from a portrait drawn by the dark mind of a marked child, but these are just cases that are ignored by those that have that which we not all own… The chilly atmosphere, the continuing fall of the leaves as everything seem to go farther and farther away, trying to escape reality, to find that road that leads to the endless dream world, but in the end… as the leaves hit the ground, the road followed by the winged beasts find it’s end… yet once again the cruelty reality represents hits once again and wakes every dreamer from his state of mind, in which he was lost to the happiness that nothing could disturb his peace of heart and soul… but nothing can last forever, be it happiness or sadness, yet what seem to affect us the most is not the happiness we find, yet the sadness that lasts for just one second, no matter how small the cause may have been , it hits us harder and harder every time, without mercy…

There are times when losing one precious person can be devastating, what is going to unfold before your eyes, is a story of true sadness and denied happiness… one that does not wish for anything but isolation, there are times in which people find a way to protect themselves, shielding their heart from any interaction with the outside world, but those are just masks that last no more than a short while, after which they will be the most vulnerable to the exterior world… but what you will find in the mere words written by this clumsy hands is no more than just a scared child, that never tried or wanted to grow up, one that does not seek happiness n’or sadness, but in truth, one that seeks… just a place to fit in and not be rejected, for the simple fact that he exists, one which is mostly impossible… ‘cause for every person he ends up caring for, he just has one more to hurt…

True sadness… does anyone really understand it… something tells me not, sometimes people don’t get it, not until it hits them at 1000 miles an hour, but… there are those that don’t even need to feel it, to really know what it means to feel all those mixed feelings of guilt, pain, sorrow, misery, what it truly means to be hit by a torrent of sadness, but once it hits at full force, there are always chances that one would recover… yet there is that percentage of population that never recover or it would at least take a great deal of happiness to recover from such a disaster… To some, such a furry tornado hits only when themselves get hurt, yet there are those that do not count themselves as ones to get hurt, but ones that are meant to hurt those around them…

…….

As the wind slowly whispers to those that listen, a long lost ballad of those that perished, a sad story for those that are to read those mere words of pure conditions, one shadow lurks in the fog which covers the vast horizon, slowly stepping past each and every eternal window that hides behind a soulless body, moving to an unknown target, trying to reach one point so far away, that it can’t reach the ending point of an unfinished journey, one that is hidden behind a door that can’t be accessed by a soul that has no rest, one that hides behind a mask, trying to cover all those faults that make him human, there is no way to reach the end of one’s pain if he wishes to not do so…hurting one is what makes it harder to forget about it all, not being able to move on that is the life he has to carry, no matter the time, no matter the place, not being able to reach that point is one that he took on own accord, for he shall not rest until he finds complete redemption for those he hurt, healing for the soul and body of those that suffered from the pain he caused….this is the journey that we follow, no end…and no beginning, just one so far….out of reach objective that can’t be obtained.

As the shadow passed one door after another, a door that led to Heaven or The Infernal Land, he murmured a few words to pass the time, trying to recall a long lost song an angel used to whisper to him before he reached the age of sorrow, a time when he started feeling the pain no one should, a cruel life that leaves you unwillingly to carry on, but only the song remains, as he fails to find those memories of which he long lost, he whistles softly as he moves one step after another through the vast land which separates the living and the dead, searching for a place he used to visit, a long lost person that left him alone on the surface of this world, one which he blames himself for, until one day he shall too suffer the same fate, he shall not stop feeling the pain of being the one to make her go away in such a cruel manner, being so close to her grave, yet unable to remember her face or her voice….to remember those times he was so happily… but what would it matter, words can’t change anything anymore, there is no way left to change things around, to change this world. Everyone suffers in a lone corner, no one ever sees, no one understands, but there is always a way to change things, but no one ever tries hard enough to make everything right before it’s not late, why try when you are destined to fail, that is what most think… but you can’t fail if you won’t even give one small try, yet you shall never know true happiness if you give so easy, but at least you shall not learn true pain or… maybe that’s not true, what’s truth actually… just a few words put up in a sentence to make sense, but that’s exactly what lies are, what’s the difference in fact, something each and every one has a different thought about…

In any way there is no way to change the past, no way to change what’s happened and no possibility to know what is to come, disaster may strike at any rate, no matter the time, there is only one you know when you see it, all you can do is try and give it your all to just… help create a smaller negative impact, but that’s just a fairy, ‘cause no one really cares enough to try, why would it matter anymore, if it would help or not , no one tried to do something , they all go and cry and suffer and just scream it all out, but no one tries to change something, you can’t change what happened, but you can change the impact it has on each and every one, you can turn sadness into… maybe not happiness, but it’s easy to make someone at least smile and forget about it all for just a second, there is no way to just make it oh so much better, but you can always try and improve the situation preceding that disaster.

But….no one really understands that…or even if they may get a glimpse of it they will keep ignoring it, that’s life as it is…it will never change as long as no one shall never try to do it…but thinking back, maybe those that really tried are long gone…and those which never want to give It a try are just keeping everything back…and are more like a barrier between the solution and the fact.

……….

As these thoughts kept passing through his mind and the background getting in and out of sight, as if the surreal and the real kept switching on and off, passing through the gate between reality and dream, our traveler kept moving on, passing by those that passed on to the world of the haunted. One step after another felt like a million years passing in a second, as if life itself was just getting a little bit longer along with the pain inflicted in the time that passed, looking back to those that suffered from the pain our friend has ‘caused and to those that he might hurt, who would have known that all those memories and thoughts would all gather up on one’s mind, as if holding a mountain of pain…a volcano filled up with the dark emotions of a million deaths, so much to be taken by a lone wolf that travels between what’s real and what’s not…a dreamer of sorts, that has no dream to follow, an empty shell with nothing left to share, a heart without anything to be found inside, but an endless void of pain and suffering, who would have known that things would turn out this way, all those events that could turn things the way they are…

As the shadow moved on towards his unknown target, he started to whisper…

“Sigh….it’s been a long time since I’ve been here…..but…somehow, I don’t know if I can do this again, seeing the grave….her grave, I don’t know…..”

… and just like that without even thinking about it twice, he quickly steered to his right and kept walking to a new destination, one that might as well…be the end of his journey, but that is something known only by the Gods, as the end of one journey, does not necessarily mean it’s THE end…

“I guess…even if it’s been this long, I can’t accept the fact that she’s…………….gone”

As he moved along the endless road towards a place he long forgotten…one that they both shared together once, but will never share ever again, who could tell a child that his only guardian is gone forever…who could tell him that the one that loved him without asking anything in return…the one he once said, without thinking that he hates, will no longer be able to share a moment of happiness or sadness together….ever again…but sometimes that’s life, no matter what they say, it’s never easy and no one can really help you feel better….but sometimes, having someone close…might at least keep you still sane.

“It’s been a while…..hasn’t it mother?!...”

As if nothing’s changed the child, which so easily hides behind a mask, so is now in front of us trying to keep hold of a day that past so long ago, one critical time which was more than 3240 days ago…more than 9 years has now passed, but the child still holds onto everything as if just happened yesterday, but no matter the time nothing will change really…nothing will get better…

“But I guess telling you now won’t mean anything…since you can’t hear me…I wish I would’ve been the one to die…at least then he would’ve returned to ya…and make you happy, until that happened…he never knew I even existed, he left you all alone…he didn’t even look back…and I wish…I could hate him for that…but…I just…can not…”

As he threw out all his frustrations, everything that kept piling up in time…something he could not do while being around others, only when the calmness of the night…only the stillness of the surroundings could bring him to show his true face, while…he takes the rest with a mask of indifference, hiding his true feelings from all those around him, keeping the distance from everyone and staying a lone wolf… time passed slowly and the moon now reached the top of its dominance over the kingdom hidden before our eyes and behind the starry sky, that lay over the vast land and sea which stretched across the distance like it was trying to reach new limits, every now and then a small whisper could’ve been heard ‘caused from the calm breeze reaching the continent, which soon was followed by the sound of one’s voice trying to whisper a long lost song, which was for quite some time forgotten by those which heard it as they were sent asleep by those angels which keep us safe and loved as we strive to pass through life itself, those that offer us everything we need to lead a happy life….or at least do their best to make sure we do not miss anything…or feel unwanted…..

Everything was in prefect harmony, the sound of the wind as it passed by the fluffy bower, shaking the mighty crown of the kings of wood, the small voice that got carried along the shallow beds of those which passed down to demise, the shout of a night predator which seeks his prey in the shadows of the night, the clashing of the waves reaching the end of the watery realm…the sounds came into harmony, creating a calm atmosphere in which the night dwelled, as time passed….our hero stared at the stars in peace, whispering a continuous murmur of what was once called a song of memories…as he slowly closed his sleepy eyes…tighter and tighter…

Sometimes…when sadness hits, the best way to forget about it all, is to just…fall in a world of surreal, claiming those which we call dreams to be our own and create a perfect place for us to forget that which gives us the most of pain, trying to surpass our human nature and be indifferent to the problems that seem to come out of thin air….

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