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I am India
How To Answer The Usual Questions Asked Of Indians
To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday:
- Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
- A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....
- Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All
wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do
still use elephants for transportation?
- A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
- Q. Does India have cars?
- A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.
- Q. Does India have TV?
- A. No. We only have cable.
- Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
- A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
- Q. How come you speak English so well?
- A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.
- Q. Are you a Hindi?
- A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
- Q. Do you speak Hindu?
- A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
- Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
- A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.
- Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
- A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
- Q. Are there any business companies in India?
- A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian principles of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard work.
- Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
- A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.
- Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
- A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.
- Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do
- A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.
- Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
- A. I prefer it to coming naked.
- There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.
- You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.
- You have a 'Singer Brother' sewing machine at home.
- Your mother has a minor disagreement with her (or your dad's) sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.
- You call an older person you've never met before "uncle".
- You hide everything from your parents.
- Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
- You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
- Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
- Everyone is a family friend.
- Everyone always called you for help on homework.
- You read law, medicine or engineering at university.
- You were thick (i.e. stupid) so you studied accounting or business instead.
- You know no one who has studied music.
- You went to a university as far away from home as possible.
I LOVE PEOPLE & CULTURES, THEREFORE THIS HUB IS JUST FOR FUN. NOTHING SERIOUS JUST FUNNY, SO HAVE FUN.
Ridiculous language-must watch
- You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
- Your best friend got married at the age of 16.
- You only make telephone calls after 6pm (discounts) or after 9 p.m.
- You like the meat well done.
- You eat onions with everything.
- You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.
- You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
- You say you hate Indian films(/songs) but secretly watch(/hear) them with your parents.
- You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.
- You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you're with but the waiters don't understand you.
- You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite $ex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.
- You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light on".
- You secure your baggage with a rope.
- You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.
- You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight.
- You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member of...the royal family.
- You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.
- Your Dad drives a GM.
- You're rich so you drive a Mercedes.
Arranged Marriage Funny Commercial
Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"
The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" from the uncle.
"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"
A Sardar was sitting outside a store, crying. The manager of the store spotted him outside and asked what was wrong.
Sardar said his mother just died, and the manager said - "Oh I?m sorry. The Sardar's cell phone started ringing and he answered it, saying - "Hello! Haanji. Are you serious?" Then, he kept down the phone
The manager asked him who that was and the Sardar said - "That was my sister?her mom just died too!
God Will Save Me
There came a big flood, and the water around Bhola's house was rising steadily..
Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here. Bhola replied, "No thanks, God will save me."
Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.
As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."
Again, Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."
The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof.
A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, "I'll drop you a rope,grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."
Again Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."
The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Bhola fell in, and drowned.
When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"
With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?"
Funny award winning Indian ad for Heinz - Housewife
How Does An ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) Explain The "Ramayan" To His Son
Son : Pop... what is the Ramayan stuff that all my friends in school talk about..
Pop : So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step mom, or somethin', was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or reserve or somethin'.
Since he was going, for like, somethin' like more than 10 years or so, he decided to take his wife and his bro along. You know... so that they could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary shit, really man, they had monkeys and devils and shit like that.
But this dude, Ram, kicked their ass with darts, bows and arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don't piss this son-of-a-gunz 'coz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him.
So anyway, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta's ass in his own hood. Anyway, by now, their time's up in the forest and anyway, it gets kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch back home. He, his bro and the wife are back home.
People thought, well, you know, at least they deserve somethin' nice and they didn't have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn't take them out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke. And they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps too. So it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks really, they had some local band play along with the fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was the very first musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of the July stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know.
And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started. Cool!!! Diwali Rocks Maaaan! Got it...
A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: "SARDARJI, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".
Q: Why is Delhi a male city (Maha Nagar) and Bombay a
A: Because Delhi has Qutab Minar and Bombay has Gateway of India.