The Inmate of the Month *Grammar Update*

Parts of this story involve drug use, alcohol, and illegal acts. Most of all it’s a story of stupidity. Some of the events are the word for word accounts of the adventure while other parts are pieced together from other accounts.

Three friends (we will call them) Jack, Phil, and Bob decided to go to spring break in Florida. All three wherein college at the time (although Phil was in a different college than the other two), and spring break is a time-honored tradition. All three worked while in college, but one of them (Phil) worked as a bouncer at a strip club, making enough to pay for his tuition and a good lifestyle (nice apartment, Mustang, etc.). Only Phil could pay for the trip as well as supply the drugs the three where accustom to (a little marijuana, coke, speed, and some animal tranquilizer). Jack said he would provide the car and gas for the trip so Phil’s money could buy more alcohol. To help set the scene, Jack had tried to dye his hair red, but after hating it, he cut it down to the roots. Instead of losing the color, his hair went from red to pink.

The three arrive in Florida after a straight drive from Stow, Ohio. Because no one planned this trip, they spent hours looking for a place to stay. Eventually, they found a spot a short walking distance from the beach. None of them where drinkers as much as they were college-age kids (under age) looking to get drunk. So vodka was the drink of choice, the cheaper, the better. Drinking, speed, and (as he said it) horse tranquilizers were the way they spent the rest of the day.

Jack wanted to go to the beach while the other two wanted to go into town and try and sell some of the drugs they brought. Now, this part of the story is unclear. At some point, they began to fight, and in a moment of drug-filled anger, Jack decided he did not want to stay in Florida with the other two anymore. So he packed his bags and left, leaving the two stranded in Florida. Jack had little money, so he decided to do what he had too so he could get back. This included several “pump and runs.” This was before you had to pay before you pump or use a credit card. He would go to a pump as close to the entrance as possible. Pump three to five gallons, then place the nozzle on the ground and drive away. He would do this at least three times (although sometimes in this story he would say as much as six times).

Early in the morning, he reached the West Virginia Turnpike. When telling the story, he would at first say he had no money, but what Jack meant, he didn't want to spend his money on the turnpike. He was saving his money, so he could get something to eat along the way. Jack slowly approached the side of the road near an operations building for the entrance then sped up and around the toll booths. Being a genius, it did not occur to him that they would radio to the next booth and have the police stop him. Jack could have stopped to speak with the officials who would have given him a paper so he could pay the amount later.

Now imagine the scene. Here is this man surrounded by police more than likely either still high on drugs or coming off those drugs with short pink hair. He described the first part of this as looking like the show Cops (one of the police had been on the show) with police yelling with guns drawn. When they had him in handcuffs and heard the non-illegal parts of his story, the laughing began. In the end, his sister came down and picked him up. The small jail facility included a picture (mug shot) of him with his thumb up (pink hair) and a bumper sticker “Inmate of the month.” If I had that picture, I would post it.

The story happened in the ’90s, and as I said, I changed names to protect the stupid. I may have some parts of this story wrong, and it is different from the way the actual people say it. My account is an amalgamation of the story, as told by the three and others who were told various aspects of it. One ironic turn to this story is that Jack now works at a gas station.