Interview with a Six Year Old Comic - The Racing Legend

Yes, I am at it again. My initial interview was such a success that I have ventured into unknown territory. I have interview a 6 year old little boy named Ted. Of course Ted’s family came along for the interview because, well, to be honest I don’t know anything about little boys and I was nervous to be by myself. I mean, what would I have done if he started picking his nose and eating it? Was I supposed to bop him on the nose and scold him or was I supposed to offer him something to wash it down with? Anyways, his mother suggested I caught him during a time that he couldn’t easily get away. So his mother packed Ted and his sisters into the family van and drove to Ohio to pick me up. We then ventured on a 12 hour ride to North Carolina, during which Ted was buckled into his seat and I could interview at leisure. Ted’s two sisters, ages 11 and 14 looked like they were going to enjoy this. They knew Ted couldn’t get away. After some pleasantries with Ted’s mother I dove right into the interview, notepad in hand.

Ardie: Would you rather read a book or write a book?

Ted: Neither. Well, I'd like to write a book, I don't know why. (Ted then looked at his mother, eyes squinted, finger pointing) Maybe so I can tell all the crazy things you do - like you do to me on FaceBook. You thought I didn't know. You're not perfect, mom. But it's okay, I love you even when you're bad. It's the behavior I don't like sometimes.

Mom: Think he's heard that before?

Ardie: Mrs C., I’ll ask the questions here. Ted, what do you want to be when you grow up and why?

Ted: A criminal because I want to taste the jail. Well, not a criminal. Maybe a cop. I love police cars, you know that, mom. I love them dearly.

Ardie: Then that brings me to my next question. What is the most trouble you've been in and what did you do?

Ted: Oh, that is easy. I kicked Halley and she hit her head on the tree. (Looking at mom now) Simmer down, that was a long time ago, remember? (Mom shook her head no in shame.) You already grounded me from EVERYTHING. It'll never happen again.

I could tell this kid had a guilty conscience and a lot to say. I had to make sure mom didn’t interfere until after my questioning. So I steered the questions to safer ground.

Ardie: Who is your hero and why?

Ted: Grandma because I barfed in the shower and she cleaned it up so I didn't have to shower in my barf next time.

This answer made me wonder how many times his mother had made him shower in his own vomit. I was starting to feel bad for the poor kid. But just one look at mom’s face and I could tell she was just as shocked by this answer. So I continued on.

Ardie: Would you ever dress up as Hannah Montana for Halloween? If no, would you do it for ten dollars?

Ted: GOSH NO!! For 10 bucks? STILL....NO!

Ardie: Do you have a girlfriend?

Ted: Umm....No. Duh. I'm too young! And I'm not marrying Katie anymore. But let me tell her, it wouldn't be very nice for you to break the news.

Ardie: If you could pick any name in the world for yourself what would you pick?

Ted: Let's see... Snobnose. Sometimes I just have to read stuff that people wrote and I, I, well, I just have to get in everyone's business. It's a ... what do you call that Monk stuff? Obsession. I can't really help it. Really.

The boy was starting to get too comfortable. It’s a bad tendency children fall into. I had to liven up this interview a little so I prepared to take notes on what I lovingly refer to as “rapid fire” questioning. It always gets the kids thinking fast and a little on edge.

Ardie: Are you annoyed with this interview?

Ted: With what we're doing right now? Yes. A lot.

Ardie: Then I’d like to go through a session of rapid fire questions where I throw out a word and you respond with your favorite answer to the word or phrase.

Ted: {{Blank stare as though asking “what’re you waiting for?!”}}

Ardie: Color

Ted: Yellow. It's the color of...umm.... Because the first time I ever saw it, it was the color of ducks.

Ardie: Number

Ted: My lucky number is 17. It's my number in line order and sometimes when I guess that number, I get stuff right.

Ardie: Holiday

Ted: Christmas because that's the day I stop believing in Santa and I get presents. I know he's not real. I just know.

Mom: Perhaps me having him pick out his father's stocking fillers has something to do with that. Oops.

Ardie: Mrs. C., you’re not in trouble here. Please, let me conduct this interview. Toy

Ted: Cars of course. {{To his mom}} Duh! You knew that. Why are you letting her ask such things? {{Shaking his head in disappointment}}

Ardie: Game

Ted: Oh that's eeeaaaasy. Need for Speed Carbon. The cars are fast and the girls who build them are HOT! {{Looking at mom}} You shouldn't dress like them, though. Not that you're not hot, but you're my mom, so you're just.....pretty.

Ardie: School subject

Ted: Maybe Aidenbelle (I later learned this is a girl in his class). I know you wrote that down. Embarrassing. Okay, coloring.

Ardie: Sport

Ted: Easy. Football. You can hurt people who run from you.

Ardie: Food

Ted: I. Don't. Know. Nuts maybe? No, no, no, no. Beef flavored ice cream.

Ardie: Cartoon

Ted: The Simpson's. Maybe a couple bad words, but there's action, and their skin is yellow.

I could tell the poor kid was getting a little sleepy and I asked mom to pull over so I could buy myself a Diet Coke and use the john. We stopped at a rest area along our route and noticed the poor interviewee had fallen fast asleep. Apparently interviews take a lot out of a kid. An hour later we were finally able to get back to the interview.

Ardie: Hello Ted. Ready to begin again? Yes? Ok, then. What is the scariest thing you've ever done?

Ted: I pulled a clown's nose one time . I didn't think it would come off. Wait, maybe when I kicked myself in the ding dong.

Mom: Isn't that impossible son?

Ted: No. Wanna see?

Mom: Most assuredly not.

Ted: Give me a minute, I have more. I climbed up on my dad's Monster Truck and jumped off the side. {{Turning to look at mom.}} Mom, can we just move on to the next subject? I don't like thinking about that stuff. Oh yeah, I dropped one of your glass pans to see if it would break. I thought I was going to be in bad trouble and you were going to hide my Playstation in the kitchen again. You should remember that cuz I sure do. And I'm telling you, you don't need to do that again. Really. But I know where you hide it and when you're gone, Halley goes in her room and doesn't care what I do.

Mom: I'm going have to look into that!

I realized I lost control of the interview and we’d only just started again! I had to get back on track fast so I threw out a doozy to quiet them both for a minute.

Ardie: Do you ever spy on your sister?

Of course both sisters sat straight up to hear the answer to this question.

Ted: ALOT. Once I spied on Ashley in the bathroom from behind the shower curtain because I wanted to see what really goes on in there.

Ardie: Oh, and have you ever spied on your mom?

Ted: Yes. Indeed! I spied on her arguing with my dad. Don't worry mom, that's all.

This last response got me wondering if that was really indeed all he’d spied mom and dad doing. Oh Lord.

Ardie: If you could have any super power what would you pick and why?

Ted: Blinding power, so then maybe I could steal a bunch of donuts and no one would see me.

Ardie: If you could be invisible for a day what would you do and where would you go?

Ted: Wait, then I wouldn't need the blinding power. A new super power… Let me think on that......okay Chinese Karate so I could give anyone who messes with you a bloody nose. If I was invisible, maybe lock Ashley out of the house and then I would go under the deck, cuz I've always wanted to see a rat or snake. And of course steal donuts, but only when they're hot and fresh at Krispy Kreme.

Ardie: If I gave you a hundred dollars right now what would you buy?

Ted: An apartment that I could live in by myself because these guys annoy me. Well not all the time, but sometimes. Definitely.

Ardie: Are you a good dancer?

Ted: Nnnnnnnoooooooo.... I dance like a clown. Only French Clowns are bad dancers. When you look at me I look like a French Clown. Those black and white ones that pretend like they're trapped in a box. They are creepy. Just creepy.

Ardie: Do you own a slingshot?

Ted: What do you think? Do I have a sling shot? (His sister pipes up from the back seat – “He would most definitely shoot my eye out”.) Ted {{to his sister}} If I had one, Ashley, I wouldn't shoot anything because what if I didn't want one?

Ardie: Okay Ted, you’ve done fantastic so far. Only a couple more questions and then you can bicker with your sister all you want. Ready then? Do you ever put the same dirty socks back on after a bath/shower?

Ted: Yes. Because I can't find any other socks.

Mom: Do you not put your clean ones away?

Ted: I do, but I just really can't find any most of the time because I don't really put them in the laundry. You see, I take them off only at night and don't usually have time to put them in the laundry under the threat of death from you if I miss my bedtime, so I normally just put them on the floor. Those ants or dogs or maybe those big cricket spiders must use them for their nests and steal them when they need them because I only have a few pairs when I wake up. Besides, then you don't have to do so much laundry. I'm only thinking of you, mom.

I couldn’t help it, my professional cool went right out the window at that. I laughed hysterically for 5 minutes before I could ask the final question of the interview. I wiped the laughter tears from my eyes.

Ardie: Lastly, do you think you're mommy’s favorite?

Ted: Yes. Ashley and Halley are more sweet and I'm more obnoxious. Well, Halley's obnoxious too. So actually Ashley's the only sweet one. So I don't think I am the favorite.

Ardie: I thank all of you so much for your time and I will let you know once I get this interview typed out. And please, let’s enjoy the rest of this ride in silence.

I only received blank stares from everyone. Oh, well. I tried.