Street Gangs in Iowa
I am sure that there are gangs in Iowa. Somewhere. Maybe even here. But being an Iowan transplant, I have yet to see the evidence of gang violence, or even gangs, that I have seen elsewhere.
So it got me thinking - if there are gangs here, what are they like? Well, it is Iowa.
The leading gang - the roughest, toughest, indestructible gang is the Corns. You will know them by their ears. They tend to have large ears here.
Their colors Yellow and white. Whenever you see an Iowan in yellow and white, just know they are a Corn. Sometimes looks can be deceiving, though, because if they are wearing silk of any color, they are still a Corn.
Weapon of Choice Worms and Japanese Beetles. Just look out, because those Corns will freak you out with their use of creepy insects!
Secret signs They will pepper their dialog with lots of "aw, shucks!" and will have butter on their giant ears. They also may be pierced with corn-cob holders.
The Soybeans are a pretty big gang here as well. They are very health-conscious, and will tell you how bad high-fructose corn syrup is for you (yes, they started that whole thing!)
Their colors Green and brown. Keep on the lookout for the Soybeans!
Weapon of Choice Tofu. They will under-cook it and make you eat it. And sometimes if they are retaliating against a Corn, they will use Caterpillars.
Secret Signs Usually a pale and bland bunch. They call the immature ones "Edamame" which is a dead giveaway.
The oddest thing about our Iowan gangs is that they rotate turf annually. If you see a Corn on one street corner and a Soybean on another, chances are next year, they will have switched spots.
They mostly hang out in the rural areas, though you can still find them scattered in small numbers around the cities. You can also find them at HyVee and Fareway.
Corns and Soybeans alike are likely to drive John Deere tractors and use their heavy equipment. And yes, they will drive them on the highway, so if you are traveling through Iowa, do NOT blink your lights at them!