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It Stirs

Updated on September 1, 2013
Still the mind
Still the mind | Source
Facing the half formed face awakening in me
Facing the half formed face awakening in me | Source

9/1/2013

The empty parts of me are stirring. They are beginning to wake. After being dormant for so long they starve, they want, and they flush me with feelings that I have not had for a long time. They attack the mind. They paralyze me. They tear me from within. Relentless. I feel all their frustration and impatience which comes from years of entrapment. They pour it freely over me so that I live what they feel. They cause confusion. They work against my true nature. What they want I cannot have. As want comes back into my life, I remember how painful it sometimes was. Still, I am grateful. I would rather take pain and tears then not feel anything at all. I chant this as they fill me with want for the things that reject me, the things that won't allow me to have them. They would have me leap off a cliff and fly with no wings and so daily I go to the cliff and look at the endless sky. I stand there envisioning freedom, wanting it until I collapse to my knees and it brings me to tears as the wind tells me that it loves me and it will embrace me for a while every time I come but that it can't carry me and I deserve so much better than the freedom I would feel in its care. As if it could possibly know what I deserve. Every time I come it shakes my soul and every chance I get, I still go. As time passes, the hurt increases. You would ask me why? Well, loss is loss and hurt is hurt. It comes no matter how you avoid it or what choices you make. I can prolong my exposure to this form or make way for a new form to come take its place. It is always around and cannot be avoided. Those that turn themselves cold in order to avoid it suffer from it privately. Regret and loneliness tear into them at night when no one can see them. If pain and hurt are to be paid regardless of what we chose, then why not extend joy. I may not ever get what I want from the wind or the sky. I may be looked at as second best compared to the birds but I can still enjoy the moment on the cliff. So I will go until the pain becomes so great that it will overshadow the joy of the moment. At that point, my soul will no longer believe that the pain is worth the view. Such is the path of the so called strong.

So I grab the half formed face of that which is awakening in me with tears streaming down my face and I plead my case. Do not try to make me human. I am not a normal woman. I cannot be made to want the things that don't exist to me. I have no past since my memory fades. The only time that the future exists to me is when I look into the face of my daughter. The hearts of this world were not designed to accept me. There is no long story to be had. Very few could find happiness in me for a lifetime. I was not designed to be human enough to want what is found here. There are things that they want and strive for that I may never want. Their goals are not my goals. Their dreams are not my dreams. Many either live for their pasts or for their futures. I only exist in the present. You exist within me. You should not condemn me to feel alone in a world that I was not made for and have already grown accustomed to. My purpose seals my path and tho I am open to it, a long story never comes. If I am ever to fly at all, it may have to be alone without the wind.

With so much left dormant in me I am sure that once I learn how to control this a new one will awaken and throw me out of balance.I suppose it is a good test of my skills of being still and riding the storms.

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    • Moms-Secret profile imageAUTHOR

      Lissette 

      5 years ago from Central Florida

      No Worries Blondey. I was not offended and enjoyed the opportunity to respond. :) Positive words are always welcomed.

    • blondey profile image

      Blondey Hubpages 

      5 years ago

      Thank you Moms, I didn't mean to get personal. This is truly beautiful!

    • Moms-Secret profile imageAUTHOR

      Lissette 

      5 years ago from Central Florida

      Wildlove5, so happy to meet you. You made me smile. I find a lot of beauty in the dark and the sad. You shouldn't feel bad that you can enjoy it too. I put it out here for others to enjoy after all. A lot of times I feel like my ramblings do not make much sense either but they do. Thank you for the compliment and for reading. I hope to stir you again sometime.

    • Moms-Secret profile imageAUTHOR

      Lissette 

      5 years ago from Central Florida

      Welcome Cam8510. It is a special compliment to be shared especially with your sons, one of the closest relationships a person can have.

    • Moms-Secret profile imageAUTHOR

      Lissette 

      5 years ago from Central Florida

      Nice to see you Blondey. I appreciate your words of encouragement. I do embrace myself but part of loving myself includes embracing the dark and the light. I exist best within the bittersweet. Blessings to you.

    • Moms-Secret profile imageAUTHOR

      Lissette 

      5 years ago from Central Florida

      Hello Frank... draining is spot on. Sometimes writing empties me and exhausts me.

    • Moms-Secret profile imageAUTHOR

      Lissette 

      5 years ago from Central Florida

      Mhatter... you and I have the few things in common that make you able to relate to most of what I write. We are both well versed in travel thru the dark places, aren't we.

    • Moms-Secret profile imageAUTHOR

      Lissette 

      5 years ago from Central Florida

      Welcome Cleaner3. I am really happy to have you. What beautiful words you share with me. You are right. Writing for me clears my mind. I empty and then feel refreshed. It's a release for me that brings me balance and peace. I am flattered that you would pledge to reading me for life. Thank you. I will try my best to keep you feeling.

    • wildove5 profile image

      wildove5 

      5 years ago from Cumberland, R.I.

      You stirred my emotions; and I stumble clueless as how to tell you how much I enjoyed it, reading it was as if driving by an accident scene, I want to look but afraid of what I will see. Your writing is beautiful I enjoyed reading it, but it scares me to think I enjoyed reading about your pain and suffering. See that, you stirred me so much I'm not sure I'm even making any sense, so I will simply say, this is a beautifully sad piece you have written!

    • cam8510 profile image

      Chris Mills 

      5 years ago from Missoula, Montana through August 2018

      Thank you. I must share this with my sons.

    • blondey profile image

      Blondey Hubpages 

      5 years ago

      Very beautiful and amazingly penned but also sad, I would encourage you to believe in yourself :) And love yourself, I know I do...even though it's been hard, blessings!

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 

      5 years ago from Shelton

      wow dangers in emotions that stirs you.. Moms.. simply amazing and emotionally draining

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 

      5 years ago from San Francisco

      Wow! you blew me away with this. Or maybe I can relate. thank you

    • cleaner3 profile image

      cleaner3 

      5 years ago from Pueblo, Colorado

      Wow..!!! I pressed Awesome and Beautiful .. not to many can write with such passion as this.. it is wonderful to me, but the release for you must be stupendous as the words pour out , which I can feel... as your words drag me into your mind,, forcing me to envision that which you spit out with an ugly tenderness.!

      P.S. (I know your secret ... but it is safe with me)

      I like your style , your form and the beauty of what you say ..!

      A fan for life..!~

      Michael ..

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