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It’s Not Your Fault

Updated on October 4, 2011
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Your presence has been with me for over twenty years now, never quenching my scorched silent desires. I have created a you, as an escape from my mental anguish, a you that never was and never could have been. We have been rejoined a thousand times in memories distorted by time and shaped to fit my needs. Dreams contain no resolve for your absence, only in the light of day or moon filled skies do you return.

You come on scents wafting from a passing stranger’s cologne and my heart stops beating as I try to see any resemblance in his face or walk, but no … it is not there. A voice captures my attention and I seek the source only to be pushed harshly back into the reality of your absence.

A foolish old woman gazes back from my mirror, worn and lacking that sparkle that once shone like the night sky highlighting a blazing falling star. No blush to her cheeks, only pallor and etchings of un-fullfillment make up the canvas she has long ago stopped painting. It is she who tells the true story of our short time together and taunts me with accusations of embellishing the entire tryst. Her gaze falls on an empty bed, a hand not entwined with yours, no strong arms around her waist and she refuses to remember when this was not true.

It is not your fault that I have spent these countless moments wearing out your memory. I am guilty, the one who took the moments and froze them in time to satisfy my longing that, somehow, it would have become so much more. If only it had been unrequited love, my pain would not be so intense. If I knew that your mind never wanders to the time we had, then, perhaps, this place in my soul would wither and die. It is the not knowing, the what-if’s that have kept me prisoner these long years and though I have gone on and I have loved again and well, there will never be another you. It’s not your fault that I have never let go.


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  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR

    Poohgranma 

    6 years ago from On the edge

    Oh Epi, how you flatter! Everyone on HP or that has read your epigrams knows you are the KING Word Master but I will gladly accept the hugs and loves and am always delighted when you stop by!

  • epigramman profile image

    epigramman 

    6 years ago

    ....you are such an endearing and fantastic writer my friend - and I do so admire you - if I could write this good then my name would be MR. POOHGRANMA - hope all is well for you this weekend and I am sending hugs and love on this Saturday night .... lake erie time 9:09pm

  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR

    Poohgranma 

    6 years ago from On the edge

    @Joe - yes, there are those one in a life time interludes in our lives that seem to burrow their way into our hearts and minds. Thank-you for reading and remembering yours.

    @Billie - I really appreciate a compliment from such a fine writer!

  • Billie Pagliolo profile image

    Billie Pagliolo 

    6 years ago from Laguna Hills, California

    Exquisite!

  • Joe Friedman profile image

    Joe Friedman 

    6 years ago from Chicago, Il

    Deep, beautiful. Expressive of emotions we all have felt and harbored (or still do). For me, it was the sweet cherry taste of a kiss in high school...So long ago, yet still so fresh.

  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR

    Poohgranma 

    6 years ago from On the edge

    Thank you Beata and dear Deborrah K. I do have great memories and my life has been blessed by love and most importantly by the Eternal knowledge that the love of our Father is always with me.

  • DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

    DeBorrah K Ogans 

    6 years ago

    Poohgranma, Lovely, heart wrenching and much compassion, Beautifully expressed! What it all boils down to is; what is most important is "Great Memories!" Each facial line represents an ongoing verse or chapter in The Journey of Life! Love is a Gift from The LORD! The love you have shared will forever be etched within your heart! You are like a fine antique that has aged graciously with time and become much more valuable! Thank you for sharing, In HIS Love, Grace, Joy, Peace & Blessings!

  • Beata Stasak profile image

    Beata Stasak 

    6 years ago from Western Australia

    They say, the most powerful artwork is always created from the most deep suffering and pain....your poem confirms these words...thank you:)

  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR

    Poohgranma 

    6 years ago from On the edge

    Dusty - I never expected to see you here, much less be graced by wise words from my sage of the desert! Thank you amigo for the affirmation then, of just a truth, neither good nor bad ,,, just so.

    Vicki - The 59 years you had with your husband is a treasure not many will ever own. Gary and I have had almost half of that and I do cherish every moment. It takes a good soul to admit feeling bitter but I understand that bitterness is not directed at me, only at the loss of the love of your life. As you said before, there is no cure for that, not now at least. I pray the passing of time will leave you only the sweet half of bitter-sweet memories. God bless you too.

  • baygirl33 profile image

    victoria 

    6 years ago from Hamilton On.

    You are writing my soul.My memories do not belong to a brief love but a love story lasting a life time.

    I,too,go past mirrors that contain pictures of a "foolish old woman" red-eyed and dreary.I,too,remember the vibrant exciting times of glorious youth.

    I do enjoy your writing.The last one made me feel too bitter to comment,but I'm happy for you!

    God bless

  • 50 Caliber profile image

    50 Caliber 

    6 years ago from Arizona

    Aye, foolish? I know not! A brilliant piece such as this, does not originate from there, it has way too much knowledge with in it's words to be dismissed so easily. It is a compilation of words that will ring true for many folks, yes in different ways, yet nonetheless truths,

    Blessings,

    Dusty

  • Poohgranma profile imageAUTHOR

    Poohgranma 

    6 years ago from On the edge

    "You hold on to memories not because you ache for him but perhaps because you simply ache in regret."

    @ Q - My young friend, you have found the answer! I love my husband beyond measure and would not trade the years we've had. It is only that sweet encounter, untested by time and serious trials that haunts me. I had not experienced such abandon in my life before, or since and it was this type of romance that I feel the loss of. However, the life that I have led, true, stable, and loving is also more than I could have ever asked for. You are wise beyond your years!

    Yes, to all of the other comments, yes, I think many will have their hearts and memories pricked and feel the ache. Some paths cross for only a short time and are not meant to stay connected, this must have been one such as that. Thank you all for reading and affirming the emotions of a foolish old lady.

  • rwelton profile image

    rwelton 

    6 years ago from Sacramento CA

    Pooh,

    Once again, an incredibly powerful personal glimpse into your soul. Bathe it gently in the oil of 'loved well'.

    This was beautiful, but a difficult read for me personally, as before I was halfway through, doors I thought long closed, were reopened.

    I am sure you will touch many hearts with this hub. :)

    rlw

  • Rosemay50 profile image

    Rosemary Sadler 

    6 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

    This is a beautiful story of a long lost love, the best love, the one that holds our whole heart and not just a corner of it. Never forgotten

  • stars439 profile image

    stars439 

    6 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

    Beautiful expression of deep emotions. The pain and subtle tortures of fond memories you still seek ,for which your heart desires. The depths of such loses from the heart are like cold golden swords that cut deep that leave cold chills in tired bones. We are in so many ways like the lost and lifeless crustaceans in the seas of darkened waters when our loves are lost , and gone, and all we have left is what is described as reality. When love is lost in any form, or in any way, it is like a monument to a higher , and far advanced agony. In life we can only wait for time to dilute the anguish.

    God Bless you , and may God always accompany your heart with his love to always help you fare better days dear , and precious heart.

  • saddlerider1 profile image

    saddlerider1 

    6 years ago

    I sense so much regrets and what if's in this sad remiss of time past, spent with a lover that you were twin to, soul mate to, heart's bound together and telling each other it was forever. Then it happened, it came to an end, something changed, separation happened, new found loves for both, yet memories linger on for both of you.

    Now all you can do is look back at the past, what you both shared together. I hear you, I feel that emotion you feel. I to was captivated by another and moved on, yet I have never forgotten her and she lingers with me still in different ways such as scents, sounds, actions, walks and facial resemblances.

    Knowing that we will never meet again or be together brings a hollow feeling to my gut. I wake up from the dream and take a breath and am happy to be alive and moving on with my life. This was beautifully worded Sherry, peace and blessings to you. Keep a eye on the future, there is always one.

  • QudsiaP1 profile image

    QudsiaP1 

    6 years ago

    My dear Sherry; your pain is indescribable yet you my dear have done the utmost of jobs in describing each emotion as it pours out from deep within your soul.

    Despite what you see in the mirror; I see a woman filled with dreams that she used each day to make a step towards. You tried every day; you fought every day; you struggled every day. Sherry you have the strength of a thousand titans and you have a heart of gold.

    You hold on to memories not because you ache for him but perhaps because you simply ache in regret. Ache not my beautiful guardian for look how far you have come.

    I may not have known you for very long but Sherry you have been a pillar in my foundation and I love you more than anything.

    *hugs.

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