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It's Not an Easy Life

Updated on April 27, 2020
Hilary Mehr Moskowitz profile image

Hilary is a wife to Ian, who has MS. She is also a high school English teacher, who loves her pups, her husband, and Harry Potter.

My Crazy Ride

This is, I think, my first blog. I want to say that I tried this many, many moons ago, but I am starting over. You may ask yourself "...and how did I get here?" lol...Well, today I got an email from one of my favorite students from this year and she shared her blog with me. I got inspired. The other day, in my caregiver group on Facebook, someone mentioned that they would love to read my story one day. it is. Not my whole story, mind you, but my musing for the day, time, moment, what have you. Now, fair warning, I tend to write in stream of consciousness: (from Google definitions) "a person's thoughts and conscious reactions to events, perceived as a continuous flow. The term was introduced by William James in his Principles of Psychology (1890)." "a literary style in which a character's thoughts, feelings, and reactions are depicted in a continuous flow uninterrupted by objective description or conventional dialogue. James Joyce, Virginia Woolf, and Marcel Proust are among its notable early exponents."
I have been in a severe bi-polar state, lately. Is it due to COVID-19? Is it due to a certain person's briefings? Is it due to being a teacher caught up in the tummult? Is it from being a 24/7 caregiver to Ian?Am I worried that people will die from injecting/ingesting disinfectant and being a guinea pig? Is it my dad's Alzheimers and the fact that I may never hug him again, because he's in assisted living? I am sure it is all and then some. Let's start with COVID-19....this bitch of a virus. Our world has drastically changed once again...I am thinking on a large scale like post-9/11. Life as we knew it on 9/10/2001 was changed on 9/11/2001. I see COVID-19 doing the same thing. Life as we knew it on January 1, 2020 began a drastic change in our world and my life, because the day before I had to put my sweet girl, Latka to sleep. 4 months later I still cry every night. She was my rock. Tears streaming as I type this. She was the comfort I found in times of stress and sadness. Her smell, her feel, her body scootched up to my leg as I sat on the floor. She was the one who dissolved the never-ending knot in my stomach. Yes, I have my boys, Mitzvah and Lev, who I love so very much, but they don't have that sense of calmness and the "it's going to be ok" feeling that she gave me. So, if I think about it, part of my life and heart ended New Year's Eve 2019. I thought it was a shit ending to a shit year and we would enter 2020 with a new perspective. Boy was I wrong! And here we are...Like most people that I associate with I have much anxiety about politics at the moment. It's all so negative. Shit talking and such. Yeah, there are some funny memes that rip on the idiots (at least I think they are...some of my friends don't and that is perfectly ok, because I still love them in the end) in this world. Sometimes making fun of people using memes and gifs are the entertainment of the day and help get you through. But once that is over, it's back to mindlessly scrolling through Facebook and logging into games to get that day's/hour's credits. Does anyone still play Mario Kart World Tour? It's fun. It's a time waster. But it's not fun when I have no friends to compete with. Whatevs. I realized the other day, thanks to COVID-19 that we won't have much or any new TV programming in the foreseeable future...NO BIG BROTHER????!!! There goes my summer fun. ugh...I's not important BUT it's important to me. When you live the sedentary life I do, you tend to look forward to these things, because there is nothing in the world to look forward to as a caregiver with a spouse who doesn't leave the house anymore except for doctors. I have to find something to keep me going. It seems much of my hope for next school year has been ripped out from under me...unless I find elsewhere to teach. I think I was wronged this year. I was given the kiss of death by my current school. For the time being, I will remain, but it leaves a knot in my stomach the size of the US. For me, teaching is where I have my hope. My fun. My life. Acting on the stage of a classroom as the teacher. It's me. Teaching stories and concepts that are important to me, to education, to students whether they realize it or not. That is my passion. That is my hope. That is being ripped away. How much more can I handle? You know, my mom used to say "Most people have a plate filled with life's problems, but you and I have overflowing turkey platters." You were 100% right, mom. God I miss her. I can't believe it's going to be 15 years on June 5th. Where has the time gone?This was, I think, the last picture of us (1997). I'm sure there are some somewhere, but that was before the cameraphone craze. Funny...she loved her St. John knits. The one she wore to my wedding is the same one we buried her in. She was an amazing woman. I'll write more about her at another date. And weddings? Yes, I will absolutely talk about Ian.
For now I will say thank you for reading my first blog and taking a chance on this journey. If you feel like you may want to continue this journey, thank you. If you don't, fuck you....JUST KIDDING! I still love you, too. It's not an easy life I live. But I manage to live it every (well, most) every day.

Crazy Journey


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