J. Q. Zollpatch Kerlytung IV
In this snap, we have captured that most recent instant billionaire, J. Q. Zollpatch Kerlytung IV, age 19, at the very moment he has learned that he alone has inherited the complete and considerable fortune of his dearly departed grandfather — that Pharaoh of Perennial Party Favorites, that Tycoon of Trivial Toys & Trinkets, that Dalai Lama of Discounted Diminutive Decorative Gifts, that Nabob of Noteworthy Needless Novelties — J. Q. Zollpatch Kerlytung II.
Who among us would think that such a great fortune could be amassed from the production and sale of an endless stream of such mundane and innocuous items as disappearing ink, wax lips, ouija boards, hand buzzers, temporary tattoos, rubber spiders, exploding cigars, red hots, crude greeting cards, x-ray glasses and musical toilet seats? Yet JQZK4’s newly-acquired empire is conservatively valued at $113.8 billion, and has factories, warehouses and stores in over 142 countries. (Guess everyone can use some mindless fun now and again.)
It looks like Justin Quincy is finally going to have to give up the aimless and carefree life of a dissolute slacker for a serious(!) career in business. He’ll also have to step up his presence on the local dating scene, if he ever expects to have a JQZK5 to leave the family company to.
Speculation that Grandperé’s massive fortune might indeed pass to JQZK4 began simmering in the business press last summer, upon the untimely death of his father JQZK3 in a famously freaky whoopee-cushion calamity in the company’s primary Shanghai manufacturing plant.
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