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John the Plumber's Dad a funny Australian story.

Updated on January 29, 2011

A beer with John.

I have been known to enjoy a beer, and a beer with John is an experience not to be missed!

John's a plumber in one of Melbourne's outer suburbs. I was invited to drop in for a beer one day recently, and as I got out of the car and headed up the driveway of John's house I see his old man John senior working near the motor of the old Holden Kingswood. The one he still drives.

He has the bonnet (hood) up and he is standing in front of the Kingswood just as near to the engine as his huge beer gut allowed him.

I said "G'day" to him, the usual Australian greeting .....

"G'day???? what's fuggin goodaboudit?" he shouts back, still revving the tits off the old red Holden motor by pulling on the throttle cable under the hood or bonnet.

I thought If I just keep me mouth shut he would just get back to fixing the Holden, but slim chance of that!

"Come an hold the bloody bonnet up for me will yer, yer lazy bastard!"

An old Holden Kingswood like John's Dad's.
An old Holden Kingswood like John's Dad's.
The Holden Kingswood "Cockpit"
The Holden Kingswood "Cockpit"

The bonnet or hood sits on a rod that holds it open, but not open enough for John Senior to reach past his huge gut to get to the motor properly.

Now the old Kingswood is not in great nick. Every panel is dented, and the bonnet flew up once at highway speed and modified itself somewhat, including how far the bonnet now opens.

The bonnet can open much wider than GM Holden had intended it to on this model.

John senior is happy about that because he can get further inside the motor area to keep the old girl running.He just needs someone to hold tha fuggin thing open wider than the bonnet support can reach.

'The fuggin carby's got a fuggin air leak the fuggin thing! he shouts this while he is still revving the tits of the poor old red inline six.

I take a look for myself to try and work out how he came to think the carby was leaking air. I can see one of the vacuum leads waving every time he revs it.

Mistakenly I yell out to him "The leads come off"

He stops revving the poor old Holden.

"I'm not bloody deaf and I'm not bloody blind either yer dozy bastard"

"I can see the bloody leads orff, just put the bastard back on yer dozy bastard!"

I put the lead back on and head over to take the cold beer John Junior has just topped for me.

"What the fug are you grinnin at yer dopey bastard" John senior lovingly inquires of his oldest son.

"Give me one a them blue cans wouldya?

This display of affection takes John back a bit. Sure dad, he says beaming.

The old Holden is left to idle and recover from John Seniors attention.

"Bloody good motors those old red ones" the old man says..

I am used to the old bloke, if you ran out of petrol or your car died at three in the morning, after he had informed you that your a "dozy bastard" he would simply get up out of bed and come rescue you even if it was in another state!

John did just that when he was 20. He rang the old man from 500 miles away in the middle of the night and that was his response.

I also like the old bloke because you know for certain he is not just another person trying to get on your good side!

John inherited his skills from his dad, and is bloody near useless at everything he does including plumbing. John and I go back a few years when I swapped him a motorcycle motor for a plumbing job on my house.

The motor was near new, the plumbing of supposed equal value was crap. It is a waste of time telling John about the quality of his jobs. John never notices any of the damage he does, that's how he does all his work.

He doesn't mean to be like that, he just has a near enough mentality like a lot of other tradesmen. He just wants to get home and have a cold one or ten.

Oh So Funny Australian beer Commercial

Australian priorities. Beer then Sheilas!

John's missus.

John's missus is amazing. She is a tiny woman and almost irritatingly happy and optimistic.After 26 years of marriage she still thinks John is a gift to plumbing itself which is yet to deserve him.

She has never bothered to learn much English although she has been in Australia for thirty years and her friends tease her about it sometimes for a laugh. You can't hurt Rosa's feelings, she only seems to have good ones.

"I doangivashit! she says laughing. "I got my Johnny, I got my home you can gedrooded!" she screeches with more laughter. No malice, just a very nice funny lady who seems to love whatever life dishes up and uses the language she hears most to express herself in English.

I like to visit John. We have nothing in common much, except maybe that John loves his family and they love him and it always gives me a lift to hear him say "My Rosa" in conversation while she looks at him like he is prince charming.

Whenever women are mentioned John swings the conversation around to his Rosa, the best cook, the best looking, the best mother, with a wink covering anything else Rosa is good at.

They have yelling matches you could hear from the moon, but neighbours just ignore them, as fifteen minutes later they are cuddling like bears, saying,"sorry my Rosa, sorry my Johnny" the bastards are nuts! Gotta love em!

John's dad John senior takes no notice of their fights anymore either.He just tells John to say sorry to Rosa.

As soon as the old man has John in earshot he sorts it out. "Get back in there an say yer sorry yer dozy bastard!" John senior never needs to know what the argument is about, as it is simply his son's fault and that's that!

John agrees with his dad about that most times, and Rosa's forgiveness often comes with marvellous desserts or roast dinners, so John does not begrudge his Rosa a "sorry" when needed.


Melbourne has many rich suburbs with the best Streetscapes you will find in any world city, lots of 6 bedroom 6 bathroom houses and apartments with Porches, Rolls Royce or Ferrari's latest toys parked in long curving driveways.

Too often, sad, bitter and frightened people are living inside these walled fortresses,

Some of these poor souls with millions of dollars never have enough money to even feel safe, so they continue to accumulate wealth. This can make them appear selfish and stupid about life, They appear as small people in many ways.

Melbourne also has poor suburbs, where the front yards are covered in broken cars, half fixed then left to rot. Lots of yelling and fighting over money and a heap more love than many who live on the pretty side of town.

These people still know they are alive, and they can be trusted to be there when you need them!

John the plumber is one lucky guy!


Thanks to siddsingh for inspiring this hub.


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    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      So glad you enjoyed it oliversmum.

      John is a romantic, as is his father. Both are very funny guys too. Rosa is a gem!

    • oliversmum profile image


      8 years ago from australia

      earnestshub. Hi. This is a great story.

      John seems to have the Australian language down pat.

      What better friend could you have, you would know exactly where you stood.

      I guess his plumbing skills need a little more practice, but hey who cares.

      Although he probably wouldn't admit it, he is a romantic at heart. His Rosa sounds like a beautiful lady.

      Thanks for sharing this story I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. :) :)

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Glad you liked it!

    • profile image

      plumber melbourne 

      9 years ago

      Lovely post. If I could have been the partner to share the drink with John.

    • cally2 profile image

      Paul Callaghan 

      9 years ago from Paraparaumu, New Zealand

      Too true mate. Love and money don't seem to go together very often


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