Journal of the chaotic mind

I find myself writing more often than normal. Whether, it is a sign for help or just an act of releasing unwanted frustration to maybe grasp some tye of clarity for myself. Do I care what people say? To be honest not really, but from time I do listen and indulge what one has to convey. Emotion can be a joy, is just underestimated from time to time. So it bring me back to my first expression, why is it I write. I do receive joy and happiness from it; they say no one knows you better then yourself. Maybe reach someone who is going through the same thing on a day to day base. Why is time so fragile? It seems the more you allow yourself to extend to people, the more you find yourself beginning to lose time. Like people are an hour glass and as soon as you flip it over you begin this hidden countdown. A lot of people say that experience fuels ambition to experience the inevitable, allows your fortitude to excel and gives you insight and wisdom. I say your fucking idiot. Experience can be proven helpful but what about the emotion that is left to bare. After so long of healing and monotonous bullshit, it should be second nature. So then you begin to experience the true definition of insanity. Repeating the same progress over and over again only to wish upon your own understanding, which the ending equations or circumstances will turn out differently. Do people really expire? I believe they can, it seems a lot of people you bring into your life can hold you back. Keep you in this steadfast and only drag you more and more down into some vortex abyss. Then why do we take a chance? Do we feel that the pain and despair is really worth enduring from one another? I feel almost a fool to smile in public or even for the people that are close to me. Sometimes you feel the feeling is not reciprocated. That if everything was said and done would someone really put their time on hold to try and help one another. I find this common with a lot of people that when you convey a certain experience or situation that is mindfully bothering you; they always start with statements such as I understand or I have been through it as well. It is fucking awesome that a person would convey such apathy, you’re better off saying you never cared in the first place! I believe we all cope differently and coil emotion on a separate level to where understanding one another can become a bit lost. I find myself often praying, and for an atheist it is kind of ironic. Then I feel like a joke. Maybe I am praying to a deaf god, and yeah there is happiness in my life, but the journey to lose a lot to receive a little gratification is not really something anyone should endure. People seem to lose interest when emotion is conveyed from someone other than them; then again whose fault is that! We come from generations of people who are selfish, so by the time it reached are era we sort of had the upper hand and true understanding of being selfish or self absorbed. Where matter becomes an image and substance is just the blood that fills are body. What about a personality? Then again why is it I care so much? Everyone is raised in their own beliefs and we’re only past down traditions that we’re bestowed upon themselves. Then again who is one being to allow themselves to conform? Do we all not have the ability to stray away from the spawns that create us, and become our own people? I fantasize often of just running away; farther away from this lifestyle I have beckon upon myself. Move to a completely different area. I see a couple things wrong with that scenario. Who’s to say the area I move to would be any different. People may not be the same, but the façade they place in themselves allows them to become just another product of their environment. Most of all I am not a coward. You only leave one problem to open the possibility to create a gap of other problems. Honestly 9 times out of 10 if things repeat in your life, in most equations it is not the people you bring into your life that are at fault, but the problem lies with you, within yourself. I find myself thinking of another fantasy. Someone running to me, so lost that they could not bear to be without me. Then I laugh this is me we are talking about. Then I begin to think about how selfish it sounds. So for awhile I placed my admiration in faith and allowed myself to indulge in maybe something bigger then what I could possible understand. Which brought me back to my main point, a deaf god. Faith never really hurt anyone and if people wish to believe then I am all for it. What it did do was allow you to place a false hope in something that you could never understand yourself. It is annoying to hear people say I am one with god or faith has lifted my spirits and gave me courage to live life to a day to day bases. You only created an outlet that allowed you to find strength in your own ambition, and used an excuse to add fuel to the fire, when all you had to do in the first place was believe in yourself. I found a scenario quite perfect for are world and yeah it may have been created in a world of an RPG it still allowed some questions to arise and would explain a lot of what is going on around us. Spoke of a story similar to ours, the epic battle of god and evil. Instead of given it a undefined name as God or the Devil, it spoke of Valmar and Granas. You find the characters like an RPG lost and confused and are thrown into unfortunate circumstance in which they reach deep within themselves to try and conquer. Faith is place in Granas as they venture down an epic battle to fight spawns of valmar in which they we’re concealed in alters, after being broken open due to mans desire for power, wealth, pride, royalty………etc. Only to find at the end that Granas and Valmar had met at last during the battle off good and evil. With Valmar victorious and Granas dead allowed the true insight of why things we’re continuously unraveling. I feel my faith has died and to be honest I could care less. True treasure is to progress through life with confidence in your own self, not to be strayed away by a possibility that you have the opportunity to have a golden ticket into the kingdom of god if you believe to worship the values it had left, seems kind of selfish. So people grasp to their faith, conforming and straying away from what makes them who they are to impress someone who died a long time ago. An wonder why things like an image,power,strength,wealth, are so important to people because it gives them hope. It is just sad sometimes, that things people wish for can be so selfish like the person the worship, so in the end there is no salvation, just a void of darkness that was there all along!

Astonished in my own beliefs to what life has to offer. Yet, what is that holds me back from my true potential. Could it be the things I've done or the things that have happened to me? You know you spend so much time in trying to make people happy, you start to lose sight of yourself. You know I had someone tell me the past doesn't count or doesn't matter. Yet naive some people have placed themselves, our past is what fuses with our soul to make us who we are today. I spent so much time being angry with the way people perceive me. Yet, given the chance they leech or mimic every aspect of what makes you well you. I've heard so many fabrications and un-educated insults in my life I can only but sit there and smile. What is it about me people wish to grab a hold of. I feel a fragment is stolen from me, a piece that is ripped from right under me. Then later unfolds in front of your face as if to mock what you let go. I've had so much taken from me in my life, yet I seem to front a optimistic value. You know the hardiest thing for me was my mom. Yet, somehow I managed to convince myself she is still here. People spend so much time either hating or blaming ourselves and one another. My grandpa also passed away and I supressed so much within myself. Daggers to the heart to me for not having a chance to show a true piece of myself. Not only once have I missed the chance to say goodbye, but life repeats it's self in so many ways. I think in Reality I have grown to hate myself in certain ways. I feel I've been held down so much, the true aspects of me wither away. So do I lose myself in my writing, hoping my life would change, or do I face the hard concepts life has to offer. Forced to overcome and be strong in the obstacles faced with. In honesty I was told no pain is left behind when forced in facing someone’s death. I think what allows us to deal is the simple fact we make ourselves believe they have left to a divine experience of immortality. Where pain, suffering, and despair is flourished for an eternity. Told so many tales the pieces to life's puzzles seem distorted. Were placed to learn and grow with one another, yet we influence only the negative and discomfort that makes life not worth living, is this SIN! Our punishment to be forced alone, confused and backed into a corner pierced with nothing but empty false conclusions surrounded by nothing but complete darkness. Yet, we fill our voids with fabricated atonement and assumptions that blind us from the truth to give us false hope. That one day our life we feel would be worth living to its full compacity. Will the world every reach such atonement? Would we ever live life without questioning what is right in front of us? A battle of good and evil that is not faced in the world but what is faced internally within ourselves. To reach that level of self-comfort, to bestow the knowledge to one another is almost impossible. With views and values, people will always only believe what is truly felt within one's heart. So then we clash as many scenarios in the past to cause pain. World Trade Centers, Pearl Harbor, Wars that cause so called causalities. Are placed in the hands of people who believe they can play god. Were explained of a divine spirit to give us hope to help us fill our pain and expanded voids. To give us the courage to face one another and help complete the goal of self atonement. It's better than facing the world blind folded and feeling destructed in the actions we take. Life is a story, and in my story I choose what happens and the way I cope with the things that surround me. For my life would not have meaning if it wasn't my story to complete self-Atonement.