Julius Caesar—The Rap Version

I am great Caesar’s ghost.

I made old Pompey toast.

I own the world from coast to coast

and today I’ll be your host …

Chorus: JC Hammer … Ho, ho, great Caesar … ho, ho, great Caesar (repeat)

I was married to Calphurnia

whose dreams gave me a brain hernia.

She dreamed she saw a flood

of my precious blood.

She said, “Don’t you leave our home

cuz it’s getting weird in Rome.”

Then along comes Decius,

funny guy but devious,

who contradicts my wife—

“It’s not about death, it’s life!”

“Caesar shall forth,” I say, taking charge

on the morning of the ides of March

Chorus

On the way to the Senate,

I saw a dude and said, “Wait a minute—

The ides of March have come!

How could I be so dumb?

So on the day of my death,

the Soothsayer saith:

“Beware, Caesar, the ides of March

are here, but they’re not gone, no not gone.”

Then all these traitors crept up on me,

some behind, some on one knee.

Cimber, Brutus, that fool Casca,

Decius Brutus, Ligarius, and Cinna,

that skinny-freaky Cassius—

what an assius—

while Mark Antony was with Trebonius.

I had just said my last great lines

when Casca stabs me from behind.

Twenty-three times they stabbed me,

butchered and made me bloody.

And just before I fall,

the unkindest cut of all—

Brutus my flesh began to flay,

so I said, “Et tu, et tu, et tu Brute.”

Chorus

They carried me to the marketplace,

but my Mark Antony was on the case.

Brutus was a fool!

Mark Antony was my tool!

Brutus gave a short speech first.

He really shouldn’t have—but he durst.

Then Brutus jetted away and I’m happy to say

that his life was forever cursed.

Mark Antony then rocked the house,

and made Brutus not a man but a mouse.

He showed the Plebes my will,

and made them want to kill, kill, kill!

He used sarcasm, made the crowd spasm,

and Brutus ran for the hills …

Chorus

The night before the big battle,

Brutus I wanted to rattle,

so I told him he’d die at Philippi,

that he’d be slaughtered, my oh my.

Then on the day of the fight,

my spirit showed its might.

First I took strange Cassius,

and then I took Titinius—

both of them killed with the

sword that stabbed me,

and then Brutus played “to be or not to be.”

With Mark Antony closing in,

Brutus, the coward, did himself in,

saying, “Caesar, now be still.

I killed not thee with half so good a will.”

Chorus

So now this tale is ended.

I must float on, I durst, I durst.

My honor has been defended,

though Willie’s lame ending was the worst.

Remember great Caesar’s ghost …

He was the almost-dictator with the most …

Stab wounds …

Yes, I said stab wounds …

He was Swiss cheese …