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Just Joking...

Updated on October 4, 2008

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.

"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.

"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.

"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"

"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"

"Five dollars," was the familiar response.

"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do,"

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young boy asks his Dad:

"What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says:

"You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my

son, THAT is confidential.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"

Santa wrote back,

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says: "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a good lecture should be like a girl's mini skirt...

long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

young girl praying: please God let me marry an intelligent man

God replied: thats impossible, because intelligent men don't get married.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"

Son: "I will choose my own bride!"

Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure,

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"

The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really,really hurts."

The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Then why are ALL of grandma's hairs white?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A very sexy & attractive female employee said her boss:

Sir, will u remove something from my breast?

Boss wow, what`s that?

Employee: Your eyes sir.......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, an cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat,20 cat, seconds cat !

... Now read it without the word cat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady lost her purse in a bustling department store. She searched everywhere she had visited, but just couldn't find it.

Finally, a little boy approached her and asked, "Ma'am, is this your purse?"

Jubilantly, she grabbed the purse and cried, "Yes! Yes, it is! Thank you so much!"

Then she looked inside and was suddenly confused. "But how strange... when I lost it, I had only a hundred dollar bill, but now I have five twenties!"

The boy replied, "That's because the last time I returned a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What did Tarzan think when he saw a dead Cheetah?

Wow! New Underwear.

Comments

Submit a Comment

  • profile image

    Adam B 

    9 years ago

    there are some good ones there.

  • Rhym O'Reison profile image

    Rhym O'Reison 

    10 years ago from Crowley, Tx

    Here is one you might like:

    ENGLISH LESSON:

    On my 58th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a witch doctor living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.  After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the witch doctor, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected.  You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.  'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'  I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working? ' 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4 ,' he responded. 'But when she does, the medicine wil l not work again until the next full moon. ' I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for? '                                                   

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

  • topstuff profile image

    topstuff 

    10 years ago

    This is a way to keep an idiot busy for twenty seconds.Lovely shotOh,a real meaningful joke is of son and father.This is how business is done.Thanks this hub brought smiles on my face.

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

    Cindy Lawson 

    10 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    excellent and hilarious as always.

  • Rhym O'Reison profile image

    Rhym O'Reison 

    10 years ago from Crowley, Tx

    I needed some new material. Mind if I use a few?

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