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LOOKING b. Malin

Updated on February 18, 2011
A New Day...Photo by Stephan
A New Day...Photo by Stephan


Looking back over some of my earlier writings, I rediscovered this piece neatly tucked away and almost forgotten...Now I'd like to share it.

Mother died in September, but that still doesn't stop me from wanting to write to her, or call her on the phone, just to know that she is there. In reality I know that she is gone. I know that I will never see or speak to her again. But I do not accept these facts that are so cold and final, and true. I want it all to just be a bad dream, that I will wake up from.

The other night I did dream of Mother. It is a strange dream filled with confusion. Except towards the end...I find myself in a darkened room which contains two twin beds, that are separated by just a few inches. I am lying on one of the twin beds and Mother is lying on the other. We are silently holding hands with one another. I am staring silently up at the ceiling slightly in awe of my situation, almost afraid to breathe.

I look across at Mother, who died a month after her seventy-fifth Birthday...She is still beautiful. I can see the outline of her lovely golden hair. She in turn, his staring sadly back at me.

"We miss you Mom" I say softly. "And I miss all of you" she replies back. I don't remember doing it, but suddenly I am sitting up, and so is Mother. We are now facing one another and both our hands entwined with one another.

"Oh sweetheart, she sighs, my baby girl". I am almost Forty years old...But to my Mother, I am Bobbie, to her, I will always be her baby...her youngest child.

"Oh Mom" I say softly, I want to choose my words carefully..."What's it like on the other side"? She seems to heave a heavy sigh before she answers me. "Oh Bobbie", she replies, "I just didn't know that I wouldn't be able to work anymore". "Oh Mom" I sigh, I miss you so much". She looks solemnly into my eyes and replies back, "I know, I miss you too"...And then she repeats those sad words..."I just didn't know that I wouldn't be able to work anymore". This woman, my Mother was a "work-a-holic" here on earth. Please God, I think silently to myself, Let her dust the clouds, or be your Assistant, she takes dictation, oh so well...and Management?...She can do anything!

Once again we are staring silently at one another. I want to comfort her, to say more...But the room is growing darker...It is getting hard to see her...And then she is gone, and I am alone. I feel hot and sweaty as I wake up and look at the clock. It is seven fifteen, and it was only a dream...or was it? I'm not so sure.


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    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      No you're right, we never get over the loss...especially the need to be able to talk to our Mothers...Mine did not get to raise me, but the bond we formed at nineteen (for me) was so special and wonderful. Thanks for all your kind comments, they are always appreciated...we are a lot a like. LOL.

    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 6 years ago

      Hi B, It is wonderful that you found this piece years later and you are able to see yourself healing and successfully getting through the grieving process. I don't think we ever really finish grieving. We will always miss our mothers. I just lost my Mom this past October, and I am still at the stage of dealing with the idea that I will never see her again. When I have dreams about my mother, I wake up disappointed that they were dreams. That is what is so strange, all other dreams, I wake up knowing they are dreams, but with my mother, it is like I have to rewind to figure it out. My friend told me they are visiting us. Maybe they are. But seeing your Mom in butterflies and remembering her in poetry is a beautiful thing. You write from your heart and move so many of us with your words, your memories, and your experiences.

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      What Beautiful words, Epigramman coming from your heart...They are probably smiling down and feeling the Love...Thanks for sharing your thoughts and compliments.

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 6 years ago

      ......well this tribute and cherished memory strikes deeply with me because my mum was my best friend - and she made me (along with my other best friend, dad) the person who I am to this very day .......

      I love when you write from the heart - and it's better to have loved than not to have loved at all - and you definitely show that in your writing .....

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      Oh Vocalcoach, thank you..Yes, finding it, made me remember how I felt, and how that dream was such a welcome one...that's how she was in life, popping in and out, but always there when I needed her.

      Bbnix your words are so truly appreciated, and EVERYONE loved this woman, she was one of a kind.

      Fossillady, it felt like a "gift" at the that left me peacefully and able to go through a very ruff time in my life...divorce...a move...IT was just like her to be there, even though she seemed to be having a hard time "Not working in Heaven"!

    • Fossillady profile image

      Kathi 6 years ago from Saugatuck Michigan

      Sorry b. I guess I was confused by your question at the end! I'm so glad you found this dream hub again and I hope it bought your spirit closer to your mom.

    • bbnix profile image

      bbnix 6 years ago from Southern California

      Your writing is so beautiful. I feel like I know your mom and miss her so terribly too...

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 6 years ago from Nashville Tn.

      This is a fantastic piece b. Very special and how amazing that you should find it now. You are so sweet to share this as it does help others too. I love it. Voted up and beautiful!

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      Yes, I did move on...but it took a few years...That's why finding this piece that I had written back then, felt so special now to me... I needed to share it. Thanks for stopping by and your lovely comments.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 6 years ago from Wales

      Hi b.Malin,

      I think our grieveing goes on forever but we do adjust so that we learn to live with this life changing loss.

      However it is so important that we learn to move on and this is what our loved ones would want us to do.

      Thanks for sharing these beautiful words, your mum must be very proud.

      Take care


    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      Lovely comments Bluestar, thanks for reading and for your thoughts on this subject...and thanks for enjoying and for sharing the perfume of knowing your Mother is near.

    • thebluestar profile image

      Annette Donaldson 6 years ago from Northern Ireland

      Oh hun, we all miss out mothers when they are no longer with us. You are so lucky to have remembered her with such love and clarity. Sometimes our minds play tricks on us and we believe what we want to see. I always know if my mother is near because I smell her perfume. Whether it is fact or fiction, it always makes us feel better and that to me is what really counts.

      Lovely sweet hub with great sentiments.

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      Cheryl, she was such a good listener...Remember sitting around my pool, while she also held court. Thanks for your lovely comments.

      Fossillady, what do you mean by, "What is your hunch about it"? Yes, the dream gave me and Mother, a second chance to be together, and say goodbye.

    • Fossillady profile image

      Kathi 6 years ago from Saugatuck Michigan

      Good question, what is your hunch about it? It sounds to me like it could have been a visit from her. Did it give you a feeling she was okay?

    • profile image

      Cheryl Kapelner-Champ 6 years ago

      Outstanding, love it. Your Mom, what a dear woman, & a blessing to have known her.

      Mother Lightning


    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      Erin, what ever it felt so real. As I told Breakfastpops, and stated to God, Mother needed to do something...and she was happiest working...She was a business woman...She died suddenly without being able to say goodbye...this dream was our goodbye, and that was very comforting. After that dream, the family would "joke" that Grandma, my mother had found a job in Heaven...or there would be no peace!

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      This piece was written back in the l980's...Now so many years later, she is a wonderful memory, her presents is felt when I see a Monarch Butterfly...but that's another Hub.Thanks for your comments WillStarr.

      Breakfastpop, when I relayed the dream to my Aunt, My Mother's Sister, She said, that I did talk with her...because that is what my Mother would have said, not being able to work, she loved being in business...and had a great business sense...Yes, I too considered this "Dream" a gift.

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Wow, b.,I might say you had a visitation in your dream but usually there isn't any speaking and you just get this feeling of peace and comfort that washes over you and moves through you. You also could have pulled that image out of your subconcious to feel you mother with you. Do you still worry about her well being? I don't understand why she would be telling you that she didn't work. Thanks for sharing!

      Love and peace!

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      I have had dreams like this and I consider them to be a gift. I always end up wondering if it really was a dream because there is something about the experience that that defies description. Voted up and awesome.

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      The grief abates with time, but the sense of loss is permanent.

      My parents passed away in 1999 and 2002, and I still miss them, although I have accepted their deaths.