ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing

LOVER MAN, "MAGGIE" & ME...by b. Malin

Updated on May 12, 2011

JUST THE THREE OF US...

I dedicate this Hub to every Wife, Lover, Mother or Girlfriend...We must Revolt before it's too late...This story is for you!

Lover Man, "Maggie" and Me, we are quite the "Threesome". I feel like she is always there. Oh not in that way... She is not allowed in our Bedroom, our Sanctuary of Love...But in the Car, we never go far without her...So this is where my story begins. Lover Man, gently, oh so gently turns her on. Programs her and She "lights up" when she sees his reflection. He smiles and says "Hi Maggie"...yes he has named her...and I could swear, I hear her purr. She and I just Glare at one another. I don't care how strange that may sound, it's true. He turns on the ignition and we are off, just the three of...just the three of us.

Every time we pass the right junction, she gives him a soft bell and he talks back to her, and she to him in this Sexy Foreign sounding voice. It all seems to intimate for me to handle. You think I'm crazy, really, well how about when I am trying to have a conversation with my Man, and as soon as she hears my voice...She will interrupt in a LOUD nasty sounding voice..."Error, Error, Reroute, Reroute". Which of course upsets Lover Man and he now has to push buttons and get back on track, as she smiles at him...And then in spite of Everything he does, she manages to get us LOST!

Huh? you say, how's that happen?...I'll tell you how...She hates Me, and hearing the two of us laughing, or talking, or "God forBid" listening to the radio, will set her off. Of course after she has us both SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER....our little Savior, manages to save the day and gets us back on our way. I once heard him say, "Thanks Hon" and he was talking to HER!

However there is a happy note to this tale...on our last destination, she pulled her usual routine of REROUTE, REROUTE, half way through our trip. What she didn't know, was I knew how to get there. I turned to Lover Man and smiled sweetly as I said "Don't you dare...we are going in the RIGHT direction...And if that Bitch doesn't shut her mouth, I am opening the window and throwing her OUT"! They were both silent for a moment. I went on, "Look what she's doing to us, we used to be so Happy in the car...Yes, we got LOST plenty before we purchased her...and we YELLED AND Screamed at one another. Because you Men won't ask for directions...But now I can't even talk to you without "Maggie" butting in...Either she goes, or I do". Again all quiet.

Here's the compromise...Most times now Lover Man will turn her off if we know where we are going...or he will turn her voice down and look at her map...And We get to Talk or listen to the Radio, and I'm in Heaven...But I swear I can hear her say "Dumb Bitch" as she rings her Bell LIGHTLY, as she softly gives directions...All the while GLARING in my direction. Watch it Girlfriend, I say silently to her, I'm the one he takes to Bed...So don't try Screwing with my Head...YOU are nothing more than a GBS, who can be REPLACED AND DON'T YOU FORGET THAT"...and you know, I don't think she will, we've reached an understand.

So that's my tale of Lover Man, "Maggie" and Me...Just The Three of Us, Just the Three of Us!



Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      Hi Maggie, so glad you stopped by to read and thanks for the compliment on this one, it is greatly appreciated.

    • Maggie-May profile image

      Nadine M AuCoin 6 years ago from the Island of Cape Breton to the Eastern Shores near Halifax, NS

      Cute, those blasted infuriating gadgets! Nicely written,

      MM

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      Thank you Colin...Although trust me, I do have a pretentious bone or two...they just haven't risen to any Hub occasion. So glad you stopped by and had some fun!

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 6 years ago

      ...always a fun time to be had with you and your writing - and you don't have a pretentious bone in your body - and that's what I love about you - you're always so witty, charming and refreshing ....

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      She (the GPS) seems to like "MEN" so I'm sure she'll be Crazy about your son, so who knows what she's capable of! So glad you found this Hub fun Sally. Thanks.

      Well hopefully "IT" (the GPS) will have Steve Tyler's personality! Because the female counterpart is a "BITCH"! Thanks for you fun comments Shygirl.

    • profile image

      shygirl2 6 years ago

      Very cute and clever story, b. Malin. Thanks for sharing it with us. I'm glad I don't have one in my car yet. But, if I ever do I think I will name my Steven (for Steven Tyler)? ~lol~ : ) Loved it!

    • Truckstop Sally profile image

      Truckstop Sally 6 years ago

      Fun hub! My baby will turn 16 in just a few months, and in the anticipation of getting my car . . . he changed my GPS from a man's voice to a woman's voice. Wish she could help him be patient, stay in his lane, go the speed limit, use the blinker, use the rearview mirror . . . Ha!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      why Thank You Acetnna, I'm trying to have a little "Fun" with all our modern Gadgets, that are SUPPOSED to make LIFE easier...Glad you got a Laugh!

      If we did the two of them would probably DITCH Lover Man and I and go merrily on their way...Us never to be seen again! Nice thought, Mslizzee.

    • mslizzee profile image

      elizabeth 6 years ago from Buncombe County, NC

      Listen B, she is very jeolous and possibly needs a guy of her own. Could you install a male GPS?

    • acaetnna profile image

      acaetnna 6 years ago from Guildford

      Totally creative and so very funny. Awesomely brilliant as always!

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      And that's why I Revolted Karanda...This little machine "Maggie" was NOT going to get the best of me...And Men and Directions...Don't get me Started! So Glad you enjoyed.

      I think it's the "accent" Chatkath, I could see the name "Helga". So glad you liked my story, Thank you!

      I think Everyone has stories after they buy a GPS, AliciaC. Thanks for your thoughts as well.

      Chspublish, it doesn't always matter about Direction, that GPS has a MIND of it's own! So glad you found it fun.

      Oh Fossillady, you are too Funny...Glad you came by and made me Smile too.

    • Fossillady profile image

      Kathi 6 years ago from Saugatuck Michigan

      I thought Maggie was a cat, but reading the comments I realize it's one of those GPS voice activated gadgets! Okay, now it's funny, I was feeling sorry for the cat! lol

    • chspublish profile image

      chspublish 6 years ago from Ireland

      Hi, is it a question of going in the right direction for all three? Sounds quite a day out when out and about. Thanks for the fun.

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 6 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      Your hub is so funny, b. Malin, and very creative! I don't have a "Maggie" in my car, and I'm not sure that I want one after hearing about your adventures!

    • Chatkath profile image

      Kathy 6 years ago from California

      This is so funny, My Dad's is called Helga, not sure where he got the name but she is always there to navigate life's detours. What a great story! Rated up

    • Karanda profile image

      Karen Wilton 6 years ago from Australia

      That was one clever Hub b.Malin and yes I can relate. What is it with men and directions? Beats me that they'll listen to a machine (we have one called Gloria)even if she does put him on the wrong track more often than not.

    • b. Malin profile image
      Author

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      You are such a good patient man Fiddleman, your wife is a Lucky Lady! Thanks for the comments.

      So true Breakfastpops, so true...Thanks for enjoying and your fun comments, but what else can we expect from one of the best!

      Attaboy, WillStarr, and then she probably yells, Reroute, REROUTE! As only she can.

      Thanks Dallaswriter...what we become in our cars...it's Shocking, Ha, Ha. Thanks for your wonderful comments and for enjoying.

      Hey Cheryl, sometimes we just gotta laugh at ourselves...Thanks for enjoying!

    • profile image

      Cheryl Kapelner-Champ 6 years ago

      Very, very smart & cute. Quite the cutting edge of travel!

      Keep up the good work & travels too!

      lol,

      Cher

    • dallaswriter profile image

      dallaswriter 6 years ago from North Carolina

      Great HUB! I love all these comments too. We have yet to invest in one of these but I have one better. My husband who for over 20 years hates my driving and my method of getting from A to B; has now decided instead of fussing at me which usually leads to a fight, that he will just settle for being the Garmon! It is funny and he makes his point and the best part... I can ignore him or turn him off! Bet he didn't think about that:) LOLOLOL Very good hub, made me laugh ALOT!

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I turn left when she says right just to show her who's in charge.

      That $#%&@! :-0

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      The idiot we have in our car nearly chokes when we don't take her advice. When she says "recalculating" it's as though she can't tolerate one more minute of us. For my husband and me it's not a threesome, it's us against her. For the life of me I can't remember her name!

    • Fiddleman profile image

      Robert Elias Ballard 6 years ago from Zirconia, North Carolina

      Lord knows I have always need none of these gadgets but we have had excellent adventures by taking the wrong exit and sometimes my wife's left is right, right?